Been seeing this pakistani girl for four months and been on many dates with her. She dont want commitment because shes not sure about me. She has made comments about how there are so many options so its tough to choose one. Shes 25 years old. She has has spent the nights with me but doesn’t want to define relationship but doesn’t want to end it either. I want serious relationship. What should I do?
Re: is she using me as a back up?
Tell her you want a serious relationship, stop sleeping with her and see what she does.
Re: is she using me as a back up?
Reha- Epic Rumi quote btw. And yeah man sleeping before Nikkah is totally not cool. What if you prego her, then what? You want aunties gossiping about you?
Re: is she using me as a back up?
You are letting her use you. Have some self respect and stop being her f-boy unless that is your goal.
Re: is she using me as a back up?
You want a serious relationship and she ain’t ready. I’d say start looking elsewhere. Continuing to see her(or not) during this period is completely up to you. That said, breaking it off might be a good idea if you’ve gotten too attached to her because it’s gonna be tough for others to measure up if that’s the case. Otherwise, do what what she’s doing, keep seeing her until something serious comes along.
Re: is she using me as a back up?
Is she using you as a backup? Looks like you clearly know the answer to that question but developed feelings for her and are thinking twice about leaving her. These kind of relationships are toxic OP, it’s going to be tough but just let her go.
Re: is she using me as a back up?
Should I continue seeing her while finding another girl? Basically do what shes doing to me? Feels wrong. Been trying to emotionally distance myself from her. Sad state of affairs. It difficult to find loyalty and exclusivity when people these days think there so many options out there
Re: is she using me as a back up?
Listen to your conscience and inshaAllah things will fall in place. Why would you want to invite bad karma into your life by deliberately hurting/playing someone? It’s only a matter of time before the effects of our sins and errors catch up to us. You can argue that “But at least I was sincere with her”…but how much weight does that argument even hold? We show the sincerest devotion to a person while showing a deliberate disregard for Allah’s boundaries…and then we expect Allah to make that same relationship or venture successful. We end up robbing our lives and relationships and goals of blessings when we go about them in the wrong ways.
I might sound harsh and preachy. But just looking back on my own experiences…whenever I transgressed limits…no matter what aspect of life it might be…it eventually brought me misery.
So, let her go. When someone truly cares you, there would be mutual exclusivity. They won’t tell you that they’re considering other options. Nor would they be okay with you considering other options. Go about your rishta search the decent way…without crossing limits…and you’ll find someone who has greater regard for you.
Re: is she using me as a back up?
If it feels wrong it’s wrong. Stop seeing her, go through the grieving process and look elsewhere.
Re: is she using me as a back up?
Did you propose her and she said no or are you basing your ‘analysis’ on indirect discussions?
Re: is she using me as a back up?
We had talk she said shes not sure. She said she doesnt want to define or label the relationship but doesnt want to end it either
Re: is she using me as a back up?
Refer to your last thread…the one about your ex? In that thread you had said that you’ve learned your lesson and that you’re not gonna fool around anymore. And so here you are several months later…back on the forum…telling us about this new girl…and that she has “spent the nights with you.” I’m assuming that means you both have slept together? IF SO, then you haven’t learned at all from your last experience and heartache. So, you need to reflect over this.
If someone knows fully well that you have feelings for them and that you have become attached …and they still want to keep you around while searching for other options as well, that’s rather selfish. It may seem flattering …to an extent…that they don’t want to let you go, but it tends to be more about their own convenience especially if they still wanna “shop” around.
If you believe that you still have time, you can try waiting around for her in the hopes that she’ll change her mind…if you’re convinced that she’s the one for you. But in doing so, make it clear to her that you want a commitment and to protect yourself from getting hurt…stop all physical intimacy with her as it will only lead you to greater attachment and more pain if you don’t end up with her. You could try giving her some space as well. Sometimes a bit of distance helps and other times it backfires and only widens the gap. It can go either way; it depends on the relationship. But regardless of whether you end up with her or not…stop the spending of nights together. It’s never to late to repent and go about things the halal way.
And again, don’t do to her what she’s doing to you. Two wrongs don’t make a right and eventually what we do to others will come back to us sooner or later.
Re: is she using me as a back up?
she’s stringing you along till she finds greener pastures. Ask her bluntly what she wants, if its not what you want, cut her loose (respectfully) and save yourself any further heartache
Re: is she using me as a back up?
It is one of my favorite quotes by him. Love Rumi.
Re: is she using me as a back up?
I have a real life example of this..although I have been doing things Islamically (don’t date around, respect boundaries, keeping parents involved…etc), but I tend to talk to several ristha’s at once. At one point up to 5, any ways… I was talking to 2 girls at one time a couple weeks ago. The first girl i was talking to a longer time period..maybe 5 weeks, and felt it was nice talking to her but I really enjoyed talking to the second girl more. I was talking to second girl for 3 weeks. I felt I wanted to get more serious about marriage with the second girl so i told the first girl… hey, i don’t think it’ll work out. The same day, later that night the second girl drops a bomb to me about going separate ways. Needless to say I was devastated and still am. 
That’s karma right there if I ever seen it. I wasn’t really sincere with the first girl after the first week of talking. But I was completely sincere with the second one..
I learned a lesson, in that don’t waste peoples time, and be 100% sincere/honest with people even if you come across as a asshole. A little different from your predicament but the point is the same.
"Karma’s a ***** - rumi "
Re: is she using me as a back up?
you tell her your ammi is looking and she better make up her mind soon.
Re: is she using me as a back up?
She is using your or not, Allah knows better but you are leaving too much on “what she want”. What do YOU want? do u want to continue the fling OR you want to get into proper relationship and get settled? Have you made your mind that she is THE ONE? Tell her what you want. If she cares and if she is interested, she will respond positively else just move on.
Last time I spent 2 hours on a peshawari chappal shop at Tariq Toad trying to choose from 10s of chappals/sandles, khan saab (shopkeeper) told me “chalo chaloo bhai aagay niklo. tum ko chappal laina waina hai nahi time mut barbad karoo hamara”
Re: is she using me as a back up?
i like the example of chappal here :halo: