is my husband wrong?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Ive found myself in a very sticky situation and dont know what to do about it. I got married in March and so far married life has not been very easy. Some of you might remember the whole story regarding my wedding and how it was so short notice due to my mothers sudden cancer diagnoses, to put it simply I dont think I was ready for marriage. Me and my husband have been fine though mashallah, we have gotten on really well and he has been very supportive with all that is happening. I lost my mum in July and I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with such a big loss. And yesterday my husband suggested something to me that really devasted me.

I live with my inlaws, mashallah they are all very nice people and I get on amazingly well with each and everyone of them. My husband is very close to his family but yesterday he told me he wants us to move out into our own home. It really came as a shock to me because weve not had any problems or anything with his family. They are all away doing Hajj at the minute mashallah and he wants to tell them soon after they come back.

I told him that I didnt want to move out, I’m a very family orientated person and living alone is just not for me. My mother in law has been like a mother to me and I dont think I could deal with moving away from her and the rest of the family. One of the reasons his mum warmed to me so much during the whole rishta process is because I said I would hate to take a son away from his mother, and that living with them would be like a gift not a chore. He is adiment though and even had a huge argument with me about it. I honestly dont know what to do. I asked him if it was because of something that has happened but he said no, he just ‘feels like its the right time’.

We’ve had a huge fall out over it and I’m really confused, his family is amazing. I dont want to leave them, so why does he? We wouldnt be moving too far but the thought alone scares me. How will his family react, and will they think its secretly my decision? I feel like it might tear the family apart and with my sister in laws wedding coming up soon I dont want things to be bitter.

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Re: is my husband wrong?

well how can you assume that the family might tear apart? or that things would get bitter? Maybe the family won't take this as a negative gesture but might support it.
Maybe your husband wants the change because he needs to get away. If you truly do feel that you cannot live without his family then TELL HIM THAT. Honestly..if he really does want to move then you should move. Maybe he will miss his family and realize how you feel and move back in with them? Good luck though!

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Re: is my husband wrong?

oh honey im so so sorry about ur loss. :(

but ur problem is unique....lots of girls would KILL to be in your position...
I definitely think you should communicate to him how you feel about it. Maybe right now is not the best time, since you have been trhough a devastating loss and you are not ready to so to speak "lose" your in laws as well?

Gaming Addiction
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Re: is my husband wrong?

*If you not gonna move away far then, im sure ur inlaws wud visit u on a daily basis. Your not gonna be alone, ur gonna be with ur husband. To start a family of ur own maybe? Talk it out with ur husband and tell him how u feel and how much u appreciate his family being there for you. *

5

Hi Sonia,

MashaAllah you're very lucky that you have such wonderful in-laws that you don't want to move away from them. Most of the stories here in the Life forum are the opposite where the girls have dreadful in-laws and moving out is not an option for them.

It's a tricky situation. Has your husband provided any other reasons besides "it's the right time?" I don't think it's a good idea to tell the parents that he's moving out RIGHT AFTER they come back from Hajj. His parents are going to come home exhausted from Hajj and they're going to come back looking forward to reunite with family and feel that spirit of togetherness....and then he plans to hit them with this news??? He's not using his head.

If he wants to move out, then he should have this discussion at a more suitable time. I suggest that you urge your husband to have this discussion after your SIL's wedding. A wedding should be a happy occasion for the bride and her family with fond memories to look back upon. Your SIL should not have to deal with family drama and grudges during the time of her wedding. So explain this to your husband and urge him to wait until after the wedding. Meanwhile, continue talking to him and urge him to explain his reasons for wanting to move. If you are so set upon wanting to stay with his family, then explain the benefits of living with a joint family to him. Explain to him that you don't want his mother to think that YOU secretly advised him to move out and that he should not make it appear to them as if you had any role in his decision (that would be unfair).

Goya -ARY
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Re: is my husband wrong?

Hello!

Im sorry for your loss :(.

I think you need to talk to your husband after he has calmed down a little maybe, just to find out why he is so adament on you guys moving away other than 'it feels right', also you may need to gently remind him that you recently lost your mother and got married which are two huge life changes and dont quite have the energy to deal with another one just yet.

But also maybe be open minded to his view too, maybe he has always dreamed of being independent once he got married living the newly married young couple family life, maybe he wants you to not be so dependent on his family? who knows what the reasoning is.

mA you seem to have an understanding husband with understanding in laws and im sure they will listen to you when you talk things through with them.

good luck hun and keep us updated!

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Re: is my husband wrong?

meh-e-hairat hoon k dunya kia sai kia ho jayee gee ....

will post my suggestion sometime later ...right now I am taken and stun its always other way round with girls :)

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Re: is my husband wrong?

You married to your husband not to his parents.. he has all the right to move out, who is asking you to cut all the ties between your inlaws.. have them come over, cook for them, go out shopping. etc.. etc.. and if you still wont budge, then i'd be very annoying as well if i were your husband.

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Re: is my husband wrong?

It might be really good for you. Being independent and running your own home. Maybe it will empower you and help you grow.

10

^ Agree.

Sonia, you can try your best to convince your husband to continue living with his family. You can even tell him to mention that "moving out" was HIS idea and not yours since you're worried that his family might assume that it was all your doing.

You can try to get him to delay moving out until after his sister's wedding, especially if it will be taking place in the very near future.

BUT as Mc12IT has mentioned, you have to ask yourself who are you married to? Are you married to your husband? Or to his family? Let's assume that your husband stays with his family but he feels miserable, wouldn't that eventually take a toll on your marriage?

I'm not trying to burst your bubble here. But in the event that things don't go the way you want, I'm trying to get you to consider your husband's point-of-view. Moving out doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't love his family or that he's not family oriented. There are some people who live away from their family but have so much love for them. And there are other people who live under the SAME ROOF as their family and treat them like dirt. Maybe your husband feels that it would be less stressful for him financially if you both lived separately. The more people you live with, the greater the expenses. Maybe your husband is thinking about this issue in the long-term. Maybe he feels that things can have the potential to get complicated (drama, future arguments, jealousies) in a joint-family system. Maybe he thinks that once you both have children, things will become more complicated or crowded. You can request him to find a home that is closer to your in-laws; that can be a compromise. To alleviate your loneliness, you can visit your in-laws often. Perhaps this experience will provide you with a new found confidence and independence as mentioned above.

Talk to your husband about his reasons for moving. And in a situation, where both parties hold such opposite views, realize that one person is going to lose. And to make the best of this situation, both parties should compromise to meet at least some of their needs or desires.

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Re: is my husband wrong?

Sonia,

Are you very close to your inlaws? Do you hang out with them a lot? Spend a lot of your time with them? What does a normal day look like in your home? What is your relationship with your husband like? Does he ever complain about not seeing you enough or spending time with you?

Do you think maybe your husband feels you're too close to his parents and he isnt getting what he should be getting from you? Attention, love, support, couple time, etc. Usually when MEN suggest moving out its either due to this reason or its because they really do want an independant life and the joint family system isnt for them.

One idea is to make sure you dont move too far away so your life is a little independant and you can go to your inlaws whenever you miss them.

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Re: is my husband wrong?

^ Ditto

Maybe your husband and you dont get to spend alot of time together when your in-laws are around. You might be thinking that its enough but for him, it may not be the case. As far as your in-laws thinking that it was your secret desire, I dont see any point in it. You should ask your hubby to tell his parents of what HE has decided and you as a wife are supporting his desire. No one is to blame, as long as you and your hubby are happy together. I am sure your MIL got you married to keep her son happy, if that isnt so, wats the point of getting a bahoo.

Moving out doesnt mean you are at war with your in-laws. If your husband is suggesting it, it maybe coz he wants to start a family. However, ask him to wait till your SILs wedding.

Whatever you do, keep your husbands preference in mind. You dont want to end up creating misunderstandings with your husband for the sake of living with your inlaws.

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Re: is my husband wrong?

first women complain when they are majboor to live with their in-laws. then they complain when husband wants to move 'away' from his parents.

What is this?

the thinking/ideology of this gender is a big joke. I understand...

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Wow Sonia. You really made me happy with this post of yours cuz before this i have always heard the opp from girls and how they r dying to get away from their inlaws n all. So you have shown me some hope. Really respect you for that.

I am sorry for your loss and I think Allah has given you your loving inlaws to make sure after your mother they are there to take care of you. I dont understand why your husband wants to move esp if he has no reason for doing so. It's kinda strange. You should let him know your stance at it and if he still wants to move maybe you can talk 2 his family and have them know its def not your idea and that you would love to stay with them if they can make their son change his mind.

All the best.

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Re: is my husband wrong?

You're lucky, just listen to your husband.

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He isn't wrong. Maybe he feels he needs space or wants to be more independent. Did u ask him as to why he wants to move out? Plus it's not like he is ending all ties with his parents, he just wants to have his own place. It's totally normal. As his wife, you should support his decision. If you were the one suggesting to him that you want your own place and don't want to live with your in laws anymore, wouldn't you want your husband to support your decision? My advice to you is just to support your husband every step of the way. If you listen to him now, later on he might just listen to something you want. The more you argue and say no, the more he will stand to his decision.

Slap of Obama
17

right.....so when women complain that they do not want to live with in-laws it's a problem for you......and then when someone complains that the do not want to move out it's a problem for you.

the fact that you believe one or two examples posted in an online community represent the opinion of the entire gender is testimony to your level of intelligence.

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The reason I say it might tear the family apart is because as I said, living together was a huge factor for my mother in law when she chose me. She was estatic that she had found a girl that was not only willing but insisting on living together. My husband is so close to his family I dont want them to think because hes married ive taken him away from them.

I tried explaining to him that with everything thats happened, i couldnt handle another big change, he just simply said i'd have to deal with it. I feel as if somethings happened but hes not telling me about it, I dont know how to get him to share his feelings. He says he wants to start looking for houses now and I think he means move in before his sisters wedding. She has been like a big sister to me and I know this is gonna effect our realtionship. My mother in law is gonna feel like shes lost 3 kids in the space of a few months.

I dont think I'm ready to move out and be independent, my husband baing a doctor is out of the house a lot too, night shifts, travelling for conventions, lectures etc so to him it wont be any different but I will be home alone when he is not here. I'm working part time with my father in law until I continue my studies next year and it is so much easier to deal with the business living under the same roof. I feel moving out might affect mine and dads relationship too. I do spent a lot of time with my inlaws, but I always give my husband time. Infact my inlaws sometimes have to encourage me to spend more time with him. Mashallah we are a very big family, 4 of the kids are away at boarding school during term time, so its not like I'm always busy with them or ignore my husband in anway. Well he's never complained about me spending time with them so i wouldnt think that is the reason. We have family time and then we have alone time. i dont think its jealousy or I hope it isnt.

As far as starting a family goes, he's made it clear he doenst want children for another 3-4 years. Until hes established work wise and can cut down on working hours etc. Financially allhamdulilah he is not under any strain, my inlaws have made it clear they dont need him to support them. The family business covers all household costs so what my husband makes literally goes straight into his pocket. He uses his money wisely and invests it in different ares so moving out would probably be more of a strain than living with them. Ive also taken over all of mums responsibilities in the house, im the person who cooks and looks after the kids giving mum and dad a bit of a break. theyve worked all their lives and it is so nice to see them happy and doing what they want when they want knowing they dont have to worry about the house. but when i move out and bhaji is married, its gonna be all down to her again.

I feel they might not believe my husband when he says its his idea, you know when they say a wife is like an underdog? she'll get the husband to do what she wants without being the bad guy?
Ive just always grown up with a big family, before i got married i lived with my 3 brothers and their wife and kids. my parents loved it and I know how devastated I would be if anyone of my brothers said they wanted to move out. The house is big enough to accomodate us all, mashallah he has 4 sisters and eventually they will al be leaving and im afraid mum and dad will feel alone. I mean obviously i will move if he is insisting on it, yes im married to him not his family but i cant digest the fact that he wants to in the first place. its really breaking my heart, i dont know what life is gonna be like when we live alone, i dont think im ready for such a big step. Im just so used to living in a big family even the thought of living alone scares me. sorry for such a long post, I know im acting very immature but i just need someone to talk to about this.

Slap of Obama
19

u know what, try approaching him when he is calm and in a better mood. Then try and discuss your feelings and tell him how you feel, exactly what you are mentioning here on this forum. Try to prevent arguments. Get him to listen to your side of the story, and then have him tell you his side of the story. I am sure the two of you can reach some sort of compromise.

20

is ur new bro in law suppose to live in the same house too?

dont say no to him and dont ask reasons or explanations to him at this point of time because u might gonna irritate him more..... if he is not willing to share, then just let him be that way for now...start showing some interest in finding the new accommodation and try to get it closer to your inlaws... after moving out u can still spend as much time as you want at your inlaws house .. he wont stop you...right? it would be more or less like just sleeping at your own place.. who knows he might want privacy in that regard .. hehe...

and btw... dont worry about what your MIL will think.... i m sure she will be fine once u will continue the same day to day routine even after moving out.