is marraige becoming a joke/race-to-beat-others?

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** DISLAIMER: This rant is purely based on my own personal views after observing my family members (elders) and other close family friends. Please dont’ take this as a generlization of all desis (even though …)**

For last 1 year i have been quitely sitting with elders of my family and observing them on why do they take decisions that sound insane to me. I have observed 3 marraiges in this time period and they all had something in common.

I was amazed at how much was spent in just 1 week. The average shaadi of a close male cousin costed huge. And yet at this very point all the lectures that i had recieved on “don’t spend money on fazool stuff” meant pointless to me. I was actually pretty mad at myself for observing those rules to save up money at the age of 13.

Now i am not against spending money on weddings, after all its an happy occasion and the couple should be happy at this occassion but what i found odd was of all the people in the wedding - the couple (especially the groom since i knew him personally) and his parents were the most tensed. Ironic isn’t it?

They tried everything to make people happy. From offering them free stays to free air-fares to lunch/dinners every day/night before the wedding and even after these huge gifts for them and Allah knows better. Yet these very people were the one who still werent’ fully satisfied. From comments such as: “dhulan ka zevar halka tha” to “chicken tikka kuch phheka tha” .. sigh

For those who know me, i have been planning on getting married myself inshaAllah soon – still in waiting list. But after all this i wonder what happiness will me and my family get after wedding. I am afraid that it might just turn out to be another “lets beat them at this” game. Where decisons will be made to make “others” happy rather us. “others” who are not even significant in my eyes.

Enough said about what has been happening. I am sure none of this is new to any of you. And for those who are married and had their wedding according to their plans - i salute you and wish you all the best for the future - inshaAllah.

But for those of us who are thinking of getting married or are about to get married (or are sitting on the sofa in their wedding and reading this post from their BlackBerry or some other weird wireless device) have you thought of a plan? I dont want to go to another extreme by saying have to wedding in a masjid and all is well but rather just to get a wedding where our parents are not pleasing others, where couple is not actually looking to impress other rather a wedding where two families are starting a new happy journey together.

Maybe i am just over reacting, maybe i am missing some points but after 3 weddings i think the chances of latter happening are very low.

Anyho i think i have said enough in this post..

thanks for reading and if you have any comment/advice/rant/jokes to share feel free.

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Re: is marraige becoming a joke/race-to-beat-others?

I know for my parents this wedding is about my khushiyan and his..and I'm pretty sure his parents are the same way as well. The only thing I can think of where theres conflict btwn me and my parents is where the nikkah/wedding will be held. I'm afraid if I hold it in westchester or in the bronx, nobody will come. But then my mom told me that I go to Brooklyn and Queens all the time to see them, and that's a 3-4 hour commute for me. So if they can't come one night to wherever I hold the wedding..then they can go screw themselves :)

But i do want a nice, big wedding, big fancy dress, good food and a gorgeous halll...this is the only day , only cereemony i will ever have and I want it to be memorable. I.e., i dont want it to be like the weddings i've seen in Pak that werent' exactly modest but they weren't fun either..

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Re: is marraige becoming a joke/race-to-beat-others?

your 'rant' is well founded, most desi wedding are extremly wasteful (however i have been to some very nice modest weddings which i enjoyed much more than the over the top weddings), but coming from someone who just got marreid the process is still very fresh in my mind, and i think that parents do feel pressure to provide the best they can for their kids. my wedding was a big deal for my parents and they had been planning it for a very long time, so i mostly respected their decision. it basically comes down to compromise, you have to pick your battles.

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Re: is marraige becoming a joke/race-to-beat-others?

Sara: big weddings or small weddings its all your choice. As long as it is making you happy and its not done just to make rest of the family members happy while stressing your own parents/yourself. Wish you all the best for your future! :) May Allah make it full of happiness. Ameen.

Ramsha: by wasteful, i really do mean that people disobey their own teachings of spending moderately. Moderate means different for everyone.

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Re: is marraige becoming a joke/race-to-beat-others?

Aansoon!

I opened a thread about this a while back, here it is you may find it interesting.

I went to my weekly sisters circle yesterday and a very interesting topic was discussed that affects nearly all of us.

Weddings.

What a big importance they are in Pakistani culture, how much money is spent on food, clothing, decor, venue, music, entertainment etc. They are a sign of status in society, ie: the bigger and more extravagant your wedding is, the more well of you are.

Well nearly all of what we generally do on a Pakistani wedding is actually against islam and the Sunnah, and after listening to that talk i felt extremely ashamed and guilty.

Dholki wedding songs - Haraam

The duff is allowed in Islam, one end of the drum can be beaten and nasheeds or islamically acceptable songs can be sung. In Pakistani weddings we tend to hold 2/3 special dholki nights where cousins and family members sing dance and eat. Even mixing with bro-in law and cousins is very bad in islam but this is seen as acceptable in our culture.

Rasme- Hina

Henna is sunnah, and applying it is very good. The actual Mehndi Rasm is
Taken from the hindu's, we spend so much decorating a stage, flowers, food, bride in yellow, free- mixing, guys dancing with girls, music and unessacary actvites.

Baraat

In islam the actual wedding is just the Nikah ceremony. Pakistani weddings tend to have the big hoo haa, horses, flashy cars, hoards of food, again music and dancing, free mixing including other hindu rasms such as dood pilai/joota chori/kursi. All of these are bidah, even if we can't be perfect muslims how hard is it to stay away from hindu rasms and innovations?

Bride

In Islam the wife is not a show piece to be displayed on a stage to every uncle/cousin/pervert/ghair mahram. Is that how you would like your wife to be, all eyes on your wife on the day she will be looking the most beautiful?

Walima

Walima is sunnah in islam. This is a feast given after the marriage by the couple, which the husband pays for. Walima is a party of joy for the celebration of the newly formed family and for announcing that this couple are now husband and wife. We spend excessive amounts on 5/6 course meals per head in flashy venues, while there are people outside begging for food. Is this morally correct?

In conclusion, after listening to this I was very afraid and prayed that when I get married I hope I stay away from this ignorance false way of celebrating my marriage. The Prophet Muhammed PBUH was the most amazing man in this world and he promoted simplicity. He never showed off.

We as humans get deviated and attracted to wealth show. How simple was the wedding of the QUEEN OF ALL WOMEN Bibi Fatimah Ra, or the weddings of the Sahaaba? Are we better than them? No! They deserve more but they set us an example to follow but unfortunately we become JAAHIL and feel the need to show off. I hope our generation can change these traditions for the coming generations. It is sawaab of 50 shaheeds to whom soever follows and keeps one sunnah of the Prophet in a time of corruption.

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Re: is marraige becoming a joke/race-to-beat-others?

Inshallah,

I would make every effort to arrange my marriage in a mosque with a simple Nikah ceremonny followed by a "walima" the next day. I wish to keep the guests only needed to make the Nikah "proper". Girl's parents, mine, Maulana, Witnesses etc. No big gathering and no expenditure from the girl's side.

We forget something that it is the responsibility of the boy's side to bear the burden of marriage. Girl's side is not to make such expenditures.

I am determined.

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Re: is marraige becoming a joke/race-to-beat-others?

Thanks Puchi Kuchi! that was very helpful.

Lahore981: I wish you all the best for your future and inshaAllah things will turn out according to your plans.

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Re: is marraige becoming a joke/race-to-beat-others?

These weddings are all part of the hindu tradition that we all bought along with us when Islam was founded.... it is a shame.