Is it okay to have high expectations?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Most people say one should not have high expectations for marriage because they find it hard adjusting to changes or ‘real’ married life facts later.

I am not sure what i am searching for is high expectations or basic requirements that every one needs, am i being overly demanding or its okay to ask for it?

I am a well educated person, i mean my scooling was in the best school of Pakistan (not that i call it best but its known to be best), my university for Bachelors & Masters was again ranked as containing the cream students. I am 26 years old, average looking but now i am healthy too. Like any other girl, i want some one well educated, belonging to a shareef sweet educated family and well stabled too. I also want him to be reasonably good looking or better as is. Sometimes, i feel may be i have developed too high expectations for my partner which is why things arent settling down that way.

  1. If i am from a very well educational background and have been among the top most students, is it okay to ask the same for my hubby too?
  2. If i am average looking and not the slim trim modern looking girl, is it okay to ask for some one good looking?
  3. If i belong to a stable progressing family (not rich but self sufficient), is it okay to look for some one more stable or well to do?

I really need to know if i am at fault with my expectations or this is what every one wants and if as per people the age is going out, is really the fault of my expectations, my fat look or its just not meant to be right now?

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

Ambitions and expectations should be in line with your skills and abilities and should match what you bring to the table. Then if they have high chance of getting full filled , otherwise there is high change tha you will end up being a highly frustrated , disappointed and angry person.

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

***Those are basic requirements , I'd hardly call them high expectations !

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

You need to read what she is brining to the table. :smack:

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

I think one should have high expectations out of yourself and THEN others.

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

I agree with sheyn, these are very basic requirements that u look for in ur future spouse. If you are masters then u definitely and should not be marrying a matric pass guy. And in terms of financial stability, asking for similar status as yours or higher is perfectly fine. I would say its not meant to be right now, just hang in there you will inshallah find a guy who will match ur requirements. :)

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

I think they are high expectations. Here is why:

Marriage is not about how perfect the other person is...its about how perfectly you two work together.

About the education bit, some people are book smart while others are street smart. Meaning, a degree is a great way to ensure a future but is it really a deal breaker? I dont think so. If he didnt go to a top tier school, it doesnt or at least shouldnt disqualify him. There are thousands of average universities producing above average professionals.

About the financial status...its wrong to hold someone to financial standards and it always comes with a price. You think a well-to-do family will not have their own expectations from you? A financially stable family will want someone equally stable - if not more. Plus, this stuff gets old quickly.

About the looks part...a man once asked me why women expect all the romance and charm to come from them when the women dont even care to look like victoria secret models? Bottom line: if you want looks, so does he. A good looking man is usually well aware of his value and is looking for someone on the same wavelength if not better.

What I am trying to say is...education (having a degree) is a reasonable expectation but wanting him to be better off than you and better looking than you...is UNreasonable and materialistic.

Remember something, all that glitters is not gold. What you want is not necessarily what you need or what is in your qismat.

You're looking for perfection but it doesnt exist.

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

what does that mean??

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

I don't think your expectations are high at all.

When looking for a spouse, NEVER lower your standards, EVER. You get married once (inshAllah and Allah forbid anything happen) and you want to make sure you get a spouse that perfect for YOU. Not everyone is perfect all around but you can find someone that is perfect for you.

Also, make sure that you live up the expectations you have for your spouse yourself as well. You'll always get what you are.

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

Ans #1 Well. In our culture, its definately not O.K. But that doesn't mean its not possible cuz many a times i have seen very goodlooking guys marrying average looking girls. See not everyone goes by looks majorly, maybe what they are looking for is something else and maybe you score higher on that. So it really depends on your luck.

Ans #2. Again. It's not wrong but i see girls and guys who are rich usually gets away with alot of flaws/drawbacks just because they are loaded. Where as girls who may be very goodlooking, educated and all the good stuff but if they are not belonging to a well to do family they will have issues in getting a good rishta. But there are times when the guys family is actually wanting a girl from a less rich family so that they can have better control over her or something of that sort?! so again it really boils down to what kind of rishtas you get.

Luck is the keyword my friend. Also one must do their best to improve on their drawbacks. If you are fat, why can't u go to a gym and work on yourself?. I am sorry but i have said this to another friend of mine too that why should u expect somebody fit and smart to marry you if you yourself are not in a good shape? Just like i wouldnt want to marry a fat guy, i wouldnt expect him to marry me either if i am fat. You are 26 not 62 so don't stress over that. I am not saying that sit at home and relax BUT do your part and rest leave to Allah and he will do the best for you. InshaAllah. Many duas for you :-).

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

What I mean is you will only live with a guy for so long before you start to see how important other things are versus his financial status.

You want him to graduate from an Ivy League school

You want him to be handsome

You want him to be rich

Are you bringing the same to the table? Are you extremely intelligent, beautiful and rich?

Do you really think a man who has all that will be okay marrying someone who isnt at least his equal?

The other thing is...if you place so much importance on these things...you're missing the entire point of it all.

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

yep people have to realize that life is not a romantic novel or movie. Ground realities are harsher than their dreams.

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

but who got the perfect husband?..i never heard anyone saying that she got the perfect person no matter itz a love marriage where they dated for years or an arranged one..:confused:

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

that’s because it’s human nature to complain. We as humans are NEVER content with what we have. Even if we have a huge mountain full of gold in front of us, yeah we’ll enjoy it for the moment but soon, we’d be wishin for a second mountain of gold.

We have to learn how to be content with what we have and when we are content with our spouses, we will realize they are the perfect ones for us.

And i’ve heard many, many people say they are 100% satisfied with their husbands. Both love and arranged. :slight_smile:

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

I think its important to have realistic expectations...not lower your expectations.

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

matric pass guy can't make a good husband?? Arrange marriages are nothing but a f******** business deal!!!

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

Strongly agreed =)

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

my husband is fa pass then he had to take over the family business cos his dad died at 19 yrs he was ceo and the youngest of 6 siblings he mashallah honoured his parents wishes respected their friends even now looked after his sisters(eid their kids weddings etc..)and alhumdolilah we are financially sound.Dont knock guys who dont complete school educ.cos its the mothers tarbeyat family up bringing and general knowledge that counts in the long run...money comes n goes and they say its in the hands of the woman..!

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

You can have high expectations in the beginning of the process but as the time passes, the expectations and criteria do get relaxed because we get more experience about people... e.g. from experience we do get to know that gorgeous looking guys can be sometimes ill-manned and average looking guys sometimes have excellent personality... so usually girls and their families end up deciding what is considered best at the moment which might be very different from their original expectations and criteria...

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Re: Is it okay to have high expectations?

Its okay for you to ask all those things as long as the basic requirements are fulfilled. The qualities that will last a lifetime are a someone who belongs to a decent family, has a reliable and decent character, is religiously aware, knows whats going on around him/her (Affects their life-choices). Yeah, sure you're right to expect those things but that doesn't always happen. Don't be put off though.

  1. You're perfectly entitled to expect a spouse on par with your education level. Although education should not be a deal breaker if the guy is financially stable. There's plenty of examples all around us where uneducated or drop-outs have achieved a lot more than people who've got PhD's and what not.

  2. Look for guy who is physically able, everything else is given by Allah. In Islam you can look for a mate based on their looks. So I don't know why everyone is knocking the girl for expecting a good looking guy. Islam says you can look for a spouse based on looks. I'm sure there's hadith saying (Paraphrasing/Simplifying so forgive me) that parents should marry off their girls to better looking or atleast similar looking husbands. Don't force them to marry people that aren't on their level.

  3. Yep, again this is your basic right to expect a guy who's of a better financial background. This is marriage and you both will have responsibilities. It is the husband's duty to provide for his parents, wife and his children. So ofcourse it makes sense to find a guy who is atleast on par with your family as you are self-sufficient and he is more likely to be too.

So whatever, you don't have high expectations but its the perspective that is important. May Allah help your endeavours and give you a great companion!

P.S. There's a saying (Which has no bearing on the topic but its kinda funny) which goes along the lines of 'Larkion ka rishta apnon se nichay karo, Bahoo ki Qadr ho gi aur Larkay ka apnon se uppar, Kaam Aye Ga'. Of course, that means pretty much the same thing for Larka/Larki but thats how it goes anyway.