It’s a kind of traditon in our family of marrying among relatives/cousins only.In our entire family,no one so far has married any one else other than relatives.Even if any one had shown any interest of marrying any one outside relatives,after being discouraged and scolded badly,no one has gone ahead to do so.
So now, for me and my two younger sisters,my parents have selected our cousins.Actually they are the only ones of our age groups who are left in our entire family,so my parents have no choice than to make us get married to them,as there are no other options among our relatives.But,the problem is that,those guys,none of them are properly educated,neither they have any ambitions in life nor our mindsets match. so neither of us want to marry the respective guys our parents have chosen for us.When I tried talking to my parents regarding that,they told me that,there’s no other options,as they don’t want to get us married to anyone other than among relatives as,according to them,any one outside relatives would demand lots of dowry,etc and would have lots of other demands to be fulfilled,and also,they believe any one outside relatives couldn’t be trusted,as marrying one of them may result in divorce/misery as someone outside relatives wouldn’t be as comprimising as our own relatives.So, what our parents are actually giving us guarantee of is this,by marrying our those cousins,we would never have failed marriage atleast as those guys would always be compromising
it's time for you to break away from the norm of your family.
your parents aren't right at all. it's your future, it's a marriage you have to go through, the person should be of your choice and quite frankly someone who you're willing to spend the rest of your life with. honestly, this sort of mindset where 'cousin marriage is best' needs to go. settling for someone who assures you some sort of stability of not ending things in a divorce is not a good idea either, because you don't know how secure or happy you will be in that relationship...just like you don't know whether there is someone else out there who would be a better match.
but of course, women don't have feelings as such...and they're probably just a baby bearing food making machine who should speak when spoken to and spend the rest of their days cleaning and obeying every desire and command of their sartaj.
[/off topic rant]
good luck!
to sound a little reasonable, if you really don't want to be the rebel of the family then you could meet your potentials and see how it goes, if you really really cannot manage it then stick up for yourself and tell your parents no is no. admittedly, they will be mortified distraught and horrified with how their beti is disobeying them but you know what? they're your parents, and they'll get over it. throw in a couple of tears too!
desis and their weird notions...they don't know where the culture line ends and the religion line begins.
Strongly agree with Sweet. Its quite a ridiculous perception really. You guys should step up if you really don't want to go through with this. Their stand is immoral, unfair, unethical and un-Islamic (If that is their peg). Just hope they see sense and you get enough courage to believe in your own self. It is truly disgusting, this trend.
Your parents are right. Only as long as you end up agreeing to what they're saying. Get me?
Also you could explore these rishtas as Sweet has said. Make an educated guess.
And no, course it's not fair.. I don't think these family marriages are less trouble-free anyway, just they are less likely to end in a partner walking away, not that that's always even a good thing.. Expect lots of tears and tantrums if/when things go wrong because parents can't/won't stand up to other family members..
Just as ur parents know he prob won't ever divorce u, his parents will think the same about u and know they can prob get away with behaviour a 'stranger' might not tolerate..
You can try to reason with your parents as much as you can .....BUT.....that may be like talking to a brick wall if their minds are firmly made up (which is likely since cousin marriages are like a tradition...or practically a rule in your family). And some parents think that pressure and emotional blackmail and threats of kicking you out of the house will get their kids to back down. If you KNOW that your parents are DEFINITELY going to do this..............then you have to take stronger action than simply trying to discuss the matter with them. This could mean that you:
1)Talk to a family member who has some influence over your parents can is open-minded and reason with them.
2) Firmly tell your cousin and his family that while you respect them, you have no desire to marry them....and WILL NOT marry them. If your cousin and his parents have ANY self-respect......they woulnd't force the rishta after being rejected. And if they get angry and treat you like crap........that only goes to show that they never respected you to begin with......and therefore you don't need to worry yourself over them. Your parents may be angry.....but I doubt they'd disown you. And I doubt that your parents will be angry forever.
3) Do you have a job? If so, then maybe explore the possibility of moving out. That might even make them back down.
I know that it can be scary to take a stronger step...but it sends out a firm message. I think many women just give up after the emotional blackmail and scolding they receive from the parents........and they don't do anything after that to get themselves out of the situation. If you advise the girls to tell the cousin and his parents you don't want to get married.........they don't want to because they're afraid that the cousin's family will get mad and relationships will be spoiled. The way that I see it..........if your relatives truly love you.......they won't force a rishta on you. If your cousin respects you....he won't force a rishta on you. And if they DO force you.........that means they don't care about you.........that they're more concerned about their own ego/desires...........and therefore you shouldn't waste your time being worried about how "such" people will be offended/angry,etc. You gotta be strong. You try a smaller and more calmer strategy......if it doens't work....you move on to a more stronger step......if that doesn't work....then you try something a bit more agressive. I'm not advocating that you take a drastic step right away. But if araam se samjhana is not working....then you have to explore other options....especially if your basic Islamic rights are being violated. Khaandaan is going to criticize you, but they're not going to pay for your wedding.....and if you have a miserable married life.......they're not going to help you resolve your problems. They will simply eat the wedding food and judge. They'll always have opinions (either positive or negative)...that's the way of the world. If you don't have the courage to face the reactions of your family.....................then marry your cousin.
You can log into every desi forum out there and complain about marrying your cousin to strangers and to people that know you.......but complaining won't accomplish anything unless you take a firm stand. To answer your question.......common sense will tell you that your parents are NOT BEING FAIR. There's nothing in religion that says you must marry your cousin or someone chosen by your parents. Don't confuse family traditions/culture with religion.
And no, course it's not fair.. I don't think these family marriages are less trouble-free anyway, just they are less likely to end in a partner walking away, not that that's always even a good thing.. Expect lots of tears and tantrums if/when things go wrong because parents can't/won't stand up to other family members..
Just as ur parents know he prob won't ever divorce u, his parents will think the same about u and know they can prob get away with behaviour a 'stranger' might not tolerate..
Agree. That "reasoning" can be used to justify ill-treatment. Gosh we can be pathetic as a culture sometimes.
My dad always wanted someone they knew for his daughters because they had a bad experience with my first engagement. The guy turned out be a real jerk including his family so they are very hesistant to let the girls get married to someone they don't know at all. They don't emphasize cousin marriage but do like the idea of someone a friend of their or a realative so they know somewhat about their background.
That doesn't sound fair at all. From what I have seen cousin marriages don't always work, just as those not within the family sometimes don't work. All families have some seemingly crazy traditions, but surely your parents have to understand that the primary concern has to be how you will mentally get on with someone. If you havn't already tried, explain your concerns to them. Perhaps tell them that you are happy for them to choose someone, but can't they look at other people they know, like friends as has been suggested above. Also, what would happen if there was nobody of suitable age in your family?
Wow so what if those cousins are cruel or just psychopaths, are they still better b/c they have the same "blood" coursing through their veins??? I know some people like that...I wonder if parents even love their kids that they subject them ot that kinda torture of living with them!
My dad always wanted someone they knew for his daughters because they had a bad experience with my first engagement. The guy turned out be a real jerk including his family so they are very hesistant to let the girls get married to someone they don't know at all. They don't emphasize cousin marriage but do like the idea of someone a friend of their or a realative so they know somewhat about their background.
sniff sniff that's like my story but in my case the whole family turned out to be something different from what they initially posed as.
Yes, but our parents are quite difficult to understand anything. If argued and opposed with them,they would give tons of examples that how some people in our neighbourhoods married some people from outside khandaan and how they all lead a miserable/failed marriages.
