I have been offering successful resistance to the pressure exerted by my family (specially my parents) thus far. But now all excuses have finished (educational, professional etc) and they are not gonna let me stay like this in near future. I realize that somethings are inevitable and it is gonna happen sooner or later so I have been preparing myself for a commitment since a while now.
My parents have been suggesting names since last two three years. During that period, I had emotional attachment with someone (too bad things didnt work out) so never really thought about them but now things have hit fourth gear.
I am finding it hard to commit myself to certain someone who does not really ‘click’ and does not manage to strike ‘that’ special string inside my heart. There were one or two really good proposals that I closed down even before my family could initiate something. (a) It kinda broke their hearts that I dont trust their judgement and (b) I felt really bad about If i am being a na shukra?
Then I managed to satisfy myself that it is wrong to commit to something when you are not cent percent sure about it. I might not be an ideal proposal for anyone and even the girl can have some objections and if she can overcome them, why cant I?
There are some desperate people I know I might end up like If I keep following the same route. They must have had their own reason(s) for not marrying thus far but this is one situation I would like to avoid.
Should I just shut up and let my family decide or should I do something about it myself? Did anyone else go through or is going through similar personal struggles or Do I sound too shallow here?
Though its surprising how I began to know myself better through all this.
Re: Is it a wait for someone to 'click' or a Fear of commitment?
let them suggest a proposal but don't commit to getting married without getting to know that other person first. sometimes, it takes more than just "looks" for someone to "click." Just because its kind of semi-arranged by parents doesn't always mean that the other person has no chance whatsoever to have a place in your heart. use your parent's judgment to your advantage.
Re: Is it a wait for someone to 'click' or a Fear of commitment?
I dont see anything wrong in exploring rishtas. Ofcourse not at the same time. But if ur parents do find a girl that they think is suitable for u then whats the harm in in meeting her getting to know her a bit? Ofcourse u have to make it clear to ur parents who in turn have to make it clear for the girls parents, that there shud be no commitments attached to meeting the family. Mostly paki ppl have this strange thing that if u meet a family to see a rishta then thats pretty much settled right there and then and if u reject the rishta after having met once or twice they get upset.
Everyone has their own preferences as to what they seek in a future partner. But I think one of the most important things is if u both can laugh together and have the same type of sense of humour. That will make it much easier for u to feel that special "click" in ur heart. But to find out if the girl has the same type of sense of humour as u requires that u guys have some contact. Just remember to make it clear that both parties have 100% right to stop the rishta if they dont feel it is a right rishta - there is no harm in that.
Re: Is it a wait for someone to 'click' or a Fear of commitment?
My parents have been suggesting names since last two three years. During that period, I had emotional attachment with someone (too bad things didnt work out) so never really thought about them but now things have hit fourth gear.
I am finding it hard to commit myself to certain someone who does not really 'click' and does not manage to strike 'that' special string inside my heart. There were one or two really good proposals that I closed down even before my family could initiate something. (a) It kinda broke their hearts that I dont trust their judgement and (b) I felt really bad about If i am being a na shukra?
Then I managed to satisfy myself that it is wrong to commit to something when you are not cent percent sure about it. I might not be an ideal proposal for anyone and even the girl can have some objections and if she can overcome them, why cant I?
There are some desperate people I know I might end up like If I keep following the same route. They must have had their own reason(s) for not marrying thus far but this is one situation I would like to avoid.
Should I just shut up and let my family decide or should I do something about it myself? Did anyone else go through or is going through similar personal struggles or Do I sound too shallow here?
Though its surprising how I began to know myself better through all this.
Sounds like fear of marriage to me. I went through the same thing. I would advise you to do the same thing I did. Make istikhara and meet the girl once. Get to know what she would expect from a husband and tell her what you would expect from a wife. Try your best to convey what you are like from your own perspective, and try to find out what she's like.
That's what I did, and Alhamdulillah it worked out great. Before going into the marriage, I was really scared of it. After marriage, I felt that I should have done it sooner.
Re: Is it a wait for someone to 'click' or a Fear of commitment?
Saby, give people a chance. Sometimes, a click isn't instantaneous and develops after a little time. Maybe you can talk your parents into allowing you to meet one on one in a casual setting with the rishta after the "official" meeting. There will be less pressure on both of you without the presence of the elders and you can get to know one another better and see if there is compatibility.
Re: Is it a wait for someone to ‘click’ or a Fear of commitment?
Asif2000: I did not say that the other person has no chance to ‘click’ if she is chosen by my parents. But getting to know her is a bit trickier as I will write below.
Re: Is it a wait for someone to ‘click’ or a Fear of commitment?
You are abs right but sadly that is the case here in our society. Thats why it is highly unlikely that I will get the chance to know her a bit better and then call it off and vice versa. My parents obviuosly wont object but it is still a pretty conservative society and not without basis. I have seen some terrible unethical blunders by guys in similar circumstances.
There is bound to be some gamble in relationships specially wedding and I understand that. But I have to make sure that even that gamble is a calculated one rather than a hit-and-trial one. I dont dub it as fear of marriage but yea not surprised you see it that way. I agree with your later statement though. And I am glad for you if things worked out well
Re: Is it a wait for someone to ‘click’ or a Fear of commitment?
Read my replies above. My parents will have absolutely no objection but the way some proposals have ended in our society leaves parentsdubius and skeptical about this step as they fear for broken expectations and immoral silence afterwards. I dont know If i am kaking sense or not.
LoL!
..no need to waste more time ..ur already very hee old .