I have a problem with someone close to me…iv tried really really hard to reason with them…they have a serious attitude problem…i genuinely feel they arent well…now being a rational person…iv tried to reason with this person in the hope that they will realise the error of their ways and change…unofrtunately this rarely happens and eventually that rational conversation turns into aggressive arguing and intense frustration…
What im slowly realising is we spend too much time on changing people than we do at changing oursleves…fact is sometimes we need to accept that people wont change and they wont be influenced by reason…
This person knows exactly how to upset me and knows which buttons to press…what im trying to do is eliminate the pride and ego and eliminate these buttons to make these relations that bit easier…
Iv realised i can only do whats in my control…currently i start off rational and end up aggressive which doesnt solev anything…I need to learn to deal with them better…i cant keep whining about what that person does cos it doesnt change…
So from now on iv decided that this person can do whatever they want to me…but ill deal with it better…i wont curse and i wont lose my temper…regardless of how cruel and harsh their treatment is of me im going to learn to understand that they wont change…why reason with an emotional unstable person…
Im a person with a lot of pride and ego and swallowing that is gonna be hard…but for the sake of harmony im willing to change the way i do things…
Sometimes you have to be the better person and not retaliate…this is going to be difficult for me…but if i eliminate those buttons…they have nothing to press on…hence no arguments…
So what im getting at is that a lot of problems can be solved if we look at what we can do with ourselves rather than what we can do to other people…we learn to adjust and change even if it goes against our pride and ego…we work to eliminate any means of them doing soemthing…if they cant get to you then the abuse will eventually stop…
Not easy having to look inside yourself but if done correctly can make life a lot easier…Work on changing yourself and Inshallah that person will learn to change themsleves aswell…
a relationship can survive inspite of heated arguments and ensuing frustration and anger. however ending the argument could be indicative of a desire to end the relationship altogether. what kills a relationship is silence, indifference and aloofness. if you care about the person despite having serious disagreements with him, you should not cut him out of your life. what you can do, however, is to listen to him but don't follow his advice or accept his reasoning if its not convincing enough. argue with him, but don't get agressive. don't end the argument, end his manipulation by getting you angry or upset in reaction to these arguments. but if relationship is not important enough, you don't have to reason with this person at all.
Thanks Amorphous...
In my case the person is family so cant be broken off and i love them too much to do that anyway...i also know that she lvoes me but she genuinely has problems...so like i said in my post i have learnt to accept that they wont change...i do whats in my control which is state my case and speak rationally and if that doesnt work then leave it...i no longer see any point in proving them wrong or showing them the error of my ways...
Knowing im correct is good enough for me...it allows me to sleep at night and improves the harmony amongst us...
Like i said in the post...the issue is dealing with your own issues and not focussing on changing the other person...so if that is the case that i am the one messed up so dealing with my issues is beneficial to me...and if she is wrong then iv done whats in my control...you can spend your whole life trying to change someone and make them see reason and the error of their ways...its better off focusing on yourself...
What im slowly realising is we spend too much time on changing people than we do at changing oursleves...fact is sometimes we need to accept that people wont change and they wont be influenced by reason...
This person knows exactly how to upset me and knows which buttons to press...what im trying to do is eliminate the pride and ego and eliminate these buttons to make these relations that bit easier...
Iv realised i can only do whats in my control...currently i start off rational and end up aggressive which doesnt solev anything...I need to learn to deal with them better...i cant keep whining about what that person does cos it doesnt change...
So from now on iv decided that this person can do whatever they want to me...but ill deal with it better...i wont curse and i wont lose my temper...regardless of how cruel and harsh their treatment is of me im going to learn to understand that they wont change...why reason with an emotional unstable person...
Im a person with a lot of pride and ego and swallowing that is gonna be hard...but for the sake of harmony im willing to change the way i do things...
Sometimes you have to be the better person and not retaliate...this is going to be difficult for me...but if i eliminate those buttons...they have nothing to press on...hence no arguments...
So what im getting at is that a lot of problems can be solved if we look at what we can do with ourselves rather than what we can do to other people...we learn to adjust and change even if it goes against our pride and ego...we work to eliminate any means of them doing soemthing...if they cant get to you then the abuse will eventually stop...
Not easy having to look inside yourself but if done correctly can make life a lot easier...Work on changing yourself and Inshallah that person will learn to change themsleves aswell...
I think you have become a better person with a bit of soul searching and self evaluation. Great lessson for all ego maniacs including myself.:) :)
what kills a relationship is silence, indifference and aloofness
Totally agreed. It is very important to be honest and open if you care about one another...however, this is only productive with tact and diplomacy
I am generally a passive person and have found that simply remaining calm and controlled when someone else is close to losing their rag can really help to diffuse a situation.
Your reactions provide ammunition for a further onslaught...I am impressed that you've decided to be more rational rather than fanning the flames. It is very difficult to begin to do this when you are accustomed to fighting tooth and nail to preserve your ego
you.