Re: Interferring when a matter of security
Hi Chameli,
I agree with Jaanwar above.
Most parents in general will get upset when one (family member or otherwise) tell them how to handle their children because then that makes them feel like incompetent parents....it's a sensitive issue.
ALSO, please keep in mind that you said your sister is going through depression now. And when one is depressed, they deeply internalize criticism. In other words, since your sister is depressed, she will be more sensitive to your reprimanding/criticizing/scolding/suggestions.
Here are some suggestions that I have:
1) Spend time with your sister and ENCOURAGE/PRAISE/COMPLIMENT **her. She's depressed and it won't hurt for her confidence to be boosted. Parents feel good when someone praises their children, so praise her kids. AND when YOU SEE your sister doing something positive with her kids..............PRAISE HER!** Being a mom is a tough job, and when you're depressed, every job becomes much harder. Praise her for positive things she is doing.
2) **Try to **HELP OUT your sister. BUT DON"T MAKE IT SEEM LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE PARENTING. When you're visiting her and she looks tired, tell her to take a nap and offer to watch the kids or take them to the park. When she's busy washing the dishes, help the kids with their homework, for example.
3) **Sometimes we need a **change in environment, otherwise we get bored and exhausted. Take your sister out of the house sometimes. Maybe when the kids are at school, you both can BOND AS SISTERS and go shopping together, get your nails done, watch a movie together. This will help strengthen the relationship you have. ** After all, you were HER SISTER.....before you ever became a KHALA and before she ever became a MOM.**
4) SPOUSAL BONDING.....Depression affects self-esteem and one thinks that they are not good enough or worthy enough. Your sister and husband should spend time bonding together without the kids. Consider discussing this strategy with her husband in a private meeting. Maybe during the day time....him and her can go to the beach together, or for a romantic lunch, or shopping, or maybe some light traveling. And during this bonding....you or your mom can watch the kids for her.
5) In my opinion, since your mom knew about her leaving the kids alone to drop off the babysitter.....then YOUR MOM should have been the one to tell her not to do that in the future. As I said earlier....that you have to praise your sister. People ARE MORE LIKELY to listen to your suggestions/criticism IF YOU AlSO DISCUSS their positive points. There is a rule that for every ONE improvement area you discuss.....you need to bring up *TWO **positive points before that. When you **praise your sister and compliment **her on positive things she's doing with your children.....the *"suggestions for improvement" **will seem less offensive.
6) ** **Getting help. Talk to your mom about this, so that your mom can be more supportive as well. Your mom should try the same strategy........PRAISE her for the good that she's doing......and offer suggestions gently (not in a lecturing way and not in a harsh way). Also, consider having a private meeting **with your sister's husband and explain your concerns to him. Since her husband sleeps during the day, he can't see how the kids are being raised. So, tell him all the wonderful things your sister is doing with the kids....and then a couple of suggestions for improvement. And tell him that **HE **should **TRY PRAISING/ENCOURAGING her....and offer these safety suggestions gently.
^ When your sister sees that she's surrounded by people who are positive and encouraging and appreciate the good things she's doing....it can help heal the depression a bit and encourage her to better herself and be more careful with the kids.
***** If you're afraid that your sister might leave the kids at home while dropping off the baby-sitter, please discuss your concern privately with your mom....maybe she can try talking to your sister about this positively. OR...you can consider discussing the issue PRIVATELY with her husband and ask him to bring up the matter casually. You know better which option would be most effective.
***** Also, as CM suggested above, get to know all the facts of a situation before judging your sister. And have faith/trust in her abilities as a parent.
I apologize for the long post. But I hope that it will be of some help.