Interferring when a matter of security

[Chameli420]

Sister and her husband got some marital issues a while back and things have Alhamdulillah improved but the scars from the past are still there. They both are struggling in their relationship and my sister is going through a serious depression.

In that context, I see my sister being kind of laid back when it comes to her kids’ security in some cases. Her husband doesnt seem much bothered about the details around the house and is working night shifts so he sleeps during most of the day and goes to work when he wakes up. My sister is kind of raising 2 kids on her own and I see that it is hard for her.

Often I tell her to do some of the stuff differently and she complains to me that I make her feel like she is a bad mum. After that I stopped pointing out stuff for her as I didn’t want to cause her more tension than she is already feeling.

I just love and adore her kids and I don’t want anything bad to happen to them. I get afraid when I see her laid back attitude and that is why I kept pointing out the ‘faults’ before and also as sisters one speak very frankly so perhaps I said things harshly sometimes due to surprised/chocked reaction on what she did.

The other day my sister drove the babysitter home while her kids were sleeping at home – ALONE. Ok, maybe I am just freaking out on this because I have heard so many scary stories on what has happened when kids were alone at home. But still I think that kids should not be left alone even when it is only for 20 min. anything can happen. Like if the kids wake up and hurt themselves or there is a fire or anything else. Noone can save them if something happens and they are too young to open the main door to escape etc.

I want to call her and tell her not to do this again. EVER! But she hasn’t told me this. My mum told me this and if I call her only to tell her off, she will certainly get offended.

Do you think I am over reacting here? Or would you have done the same thing for your sister/brother’s kids??

[tweety_pie]

Re: Interferring when a matter of security

^^ No i dnt think u r over reacting, i would do exactly the same, U r worried because you care about ure nieces/nephews and your sister.

It is important to take care in how you convey your message though. Your sister will most probably not interpret as u being caring but rather that u r highlighting how bad a mother she is although this isn't the case.

[wildhalcyon]

Re: Interferring when a matter of security

How ironic. She realizes that she needs a babysitter but chooses to leave them home alone to drop off the babysitter..the person that she acknowledges needing by virtue of hiring her.

First of all, how old are these children? Many places have laws in place that state that 13 is an age when children are generally considered old enough to be alone for SHORT periods of time.

If she is suffering from depression, then all your words of advice will fall on deaf ears. People in a state of depression are unable to make connections and some people even give the same advice to themselves but just are unable to act on it.

The best thing is firstly give her as much support and relief as possible. If she is in a depression, one was to get her out of it is for her to get out of the environment causing the depression. I have to assume that the children are not of school going age if they are home with her. Can they find some private daycare to give her a few hours or few days off from the kids? If not, she needs to do something..go to someones house, start some classes where babysitting is provided etc..

The other thing to do which is equally important is to somehow convince her to see a doctor who can diagnose her and if she falls under the depressive state, can prescribe medications for her. However, I say this with a caveat because if she is suffering from environmental depression, no medication is going to work for her as long as her environment is the same.

In which case, I would say, it is better for the couple to end it and separate than for the children to grow up in a broken home. The father is obviously not able to spend too much time due to his shifts and the mother is obviously out of it AND I am 100% certain the children are having to observe the parents constantly fighting. This is absolutely not good for the kids and unless the conflicts are resolved amicably (which they havent if she is feeling depressed), it will only get worse.

[CM]

Re: Interferring when a matter of security

Woman if this is a serious issue why are you typing about on GS? Now on to some simple questions to see if your "concern" has actual value.

1. Do you know if your sister tried to find someone to look after the kids before she dropped off the babysitter?
2. Do you know if she did as a first resort or a last resort?
3. Do you know if this happens often of was it a one off thing?

What other "security" concerns do you have regarding your sister and her children? Does she let them run around with broken glass? Does she tell to accept candy from strangers? Does she regularly leave them alone with no supervision for hours?

What exactly are these numerous security concerns that you have?

Look if this was my sister I would ask her if I could help, instead of raining on her parade, I would be supportive. Acknowledge she has a rough deal, offer to help her when I can. Amazing you are ready to judge her and not offer any sort of help? You have not mentioned you have offered help to lighten her load or make it easier.

You know you can sort out your babysitter security concern by offering drop off the babysitter when your sister is not home.

[Kinzz]

Re: Interferring when a matter of security

^ but if one is busy her house how can she go and help her sister??this is only thing which she ( chameli ) is doing to give her sister a advice...

and chameli no matter how she feels but plzz keep telling her im sure one day she will understand/ realize...and tell her if her husband is careless...than she is also a careless mom..she is doing same thing to her kids...
and leaving alone kids in home is dengerous even if they are sleeping or awake..

[Jaanwar]

Re: Interferring when a matter of security

Instead of judging your sister, help her out. She is in a bad situation, and apparently majorly stressed out. Its a whole lot easier to sit back and comment on how people manage their affairs, but it takes some serious bollocks to lend a hand.

[redvelvet]

Re: Interferring when a matter of security

Hi Chameli,

I agree with Jaanwar above.

Most parents in general will get upset when one (family member or otherwise) tell them how to handle their children because then that makes them feel like incompetent parents....it's a sensitive issue.

ALSO, please keep in mind that you said your sister is going through depression now. And when one is depressed, they deeply internalize criticism. In other words, since your sister is depressed, she will be more sensitive to your reprimanding/criticizing/scolding/suggestions.

Here are some suggestions that I have:

1) Spend time with your sister and ENCOURAGE/PRAISE/COMPLIMENT **her. She's depressed and it won't hurt for her confidence to be boosted. Parents feel good when someone praises their children, so praise her kids. AND when YOU SEE your sister doing something positive with her kids..............PRAISE HER!** Being a mom is a tough job, and when you're depressed, every job becomes much harder. Praise her for positive things she is doing.

2) **Try to **HELP OUT your sister. BUT DON"T MAKE IT SEEM LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE PARENTING. When you're visiting her and she looks tired, tell her to take a nap and offer to watch the kids or take them to the park. When she's busy washing the dishes, help the kids with their homework, for example.

3) **Sometimes we need a **change in environment, otherwise we get bored and exhausted. Take your sister out of the house sometimes. Maybe when the kids are at school, you both can BOND AS SISTERS and go shopping together, get your nails done, watch a movie together. This will help strengthen the relationship you have. ** After all, you were HER SISTER.....before you ever became a KHALA and before she ever became a MOM.**

4) SPOUSAL BONDING.....Depression affects self-esteem and one thinks that they are not good enough or worthy enough. Your sister and husband should spend time bonding together without the kids. Consider discussing this strategy with her husband in a private meeting. Maybe during the day time....him and her can go to the beach together, or for a romantic lunch, or shopping, or maybe some light traveling. And during this bonding....you or your mom can watch the kids for her.

5) In my opinion, since your mom knew about her leaving the kids alone to drop off the babysitter.....then YOUR MOM should have been the one to tell her not to do that in the future. As I said earlier....that you have to praise your sister. People ARE MORE LIKELY to listen to your suggestions/criticism IF YOU AlSO DISCUSS their positive points. There is a rule that for every ONE improvement area you discuss.....you need to bring up *TWO **positive points before that. When you **praise your sister and compliment **her on positive things she's doing with your children.....the *"suggestions for improvement" **will seem less offensive.

6) ** **Getting help. Talk to your mom about this, so that your mom can be more supportive as well. Your mom should try the same strategy........PRAISE her for the good that she's doing......and offer suggestions gently (not in a lecturing way and not in a harsh way). Also, consider having a private meeting **with your sister's husband and explain your concerns to him. Since her husband sleeps during the day, he can't see how the kids are being raised. So, tell him all the wonderful things your sister is doing with the kids....and then a couple of suggestions for improvement. And tell him that **HE **should **TRY PRAISING/ENCOURAGING her....and offer these safety suggestions gently.

^ When your sister sees that she's surrounded by people who are positive and encouraging and appreciate the good things she's doing....it can help heal the depression a bit and encourage her to better herself and be more careful with the kids.

***** If you're afraid that your sister might leave the kids at home while dropping off the baby-sitter, please discuss your concern privately with your mom....maybe she can try talking to your sister about this positively. OR...you can consider discussing the issue PRIVATELY with her husband and ask him to bring up the matter casually. You know better which option would be most effective.

***** Also, as CM suggested above, get to know all the facts of a situation before judging your sister. And have faith/trust in her abilities as a parent.

I apologize for the long post. But I hope that it will be of some help.

[malta]

Re: Interferring when a matter of security

So your sister in law is on vacation now?

[X2]

Re: Interferring when a matter of security

I see posts asking chameli to go help out. I have a couple of things to note about that, they could be in diff cities, countries, continents..you can not physically go and help out then.

Otehr security or safety issues like outlsets not being covered, wires around as trip hazarads, bathrooms not secured, staircases not secured etc is something someone can help in a trip.

But advise is not to be underestimated. because its the parents that have to be responsible, u can tell them, show them, teach them..but learning, and doing what is right consistently is something that only parents can do, unless someone wants to move in and take over child care responsibilities.

You can go and secure all outlets, and if the parents dont care or are not careful, when the open an outlet for something they can choose to leave it open...not sure if it will send some sort of batman signal for chameli to run back and secure it again.

[X2]

Re: Interferring when a matter of security

Chameli, supportive and all is fine, but if she is going to be defensive you cant help it, what u can help with is being gentler when u give her advise, and have a bulk go through your mom as well, so she does not feel u are picking on her. Indirect advise someties is very helpful, send her some books that cover these subjects, even have your mum send them and say hey ther eis some good advise and tips here, not sure what applies to you and what doe snot, but its a good resource etc.

more than anything, u and your family need for her to seek proper help for depression

[Chameli420]

Re: Interferring when a matter of security

I dont live in the same city or country as my sister. I have done everything possible to talk to her on phone, send her information on e-mail, talk to her when I visit. Either there is no reaction or she just says that she cant do it all alone or that I make her feel that she is a bad mum which has never been my intention.

My mum was the babysitter that day which ‘complicates’ this issue cuz mum didn’t stop her but let her drive home so she could get home and sleep.
All family members seem to have given up on our sister as she has a tendency to overreact a lot when she is given advice. She would pack her stuff and leave our parents place if the other siblings talk to her about these or other issues. She just doesn’t want to listen to anybody.

I feel sorry for her but I think she behaves very childish sometimes. She is going through a depression but is not willing to receive any kind of help, be it from family, doctor or anyone else.

I feel that her miserable marriage has effected her this much and they have been close to get a divorce several times. But for now they have decided to be together for the sake of the kids.

The kids are 4 and 2 years old.

[wildhalcyon]

Re: Interferring when a matter of security

People who are only together for the children will only make their children and themselves more and more miserable and depressed- I guarantee it.

Unless the couple resolves their conflict their children will only learn that when a problem arises, dont deal with it. They will grow up with issues because their parents have constantly surrounded them with problems but no solutions.

My heartfelt suggestion is that the couple separate for a period of time and use that time to work things out. Under no circumstances should they return unless their issues are resolved.

Her childish behavior etc...is just a cry for help. Take her out of that environment and get her busy. I dont know which country she is in but if it is a western country, there are a lot of support services for single mothers.

Also, if she lives with her parents, the biggest mistake family does is to start dictating to a child who has returned home. She was probably being bossed around by hubby and also feels that she is a married woman now not a baby so doesnt want any more lectures. And your family needs to be supportive to her decisons. If she wants to separate or divorce, tell her that you support her regardless.

I am not a person who advocates divorce but I truly believe she needs to be away from hubby and to use that time to become independent and develop skills to be able to support her kids if needed. When she feels like an independent person and not reliant on hubby, she will feel better.

[nadz123]

Re: Interferring when a matter of security

leave her alone guys, i think she tried whatever she could, when i have issues with my sis/ or anyone, most of the time they wont even listen to me, let alone take my opinion on how to raise their kids, most people get offended anyway if you tell them how to raise their children or anything regarding their kids. so i think your mum should do something or just tel her how it is, cos if something happened to the kids, you would blame urself too for not speaking sooner...

[Gr8Heera]

Re: Interferring when a matter of security

She is under stress chameli. No matter what ppl can't be 100% perfect she might make mistake in parenting or other things normaly and in stressed situation they might make more mistake.

She has to be careful about her kids safety no matter what. I can understand your concern. I know without any situation my cousin aka my brothers wife oh my Allah I can't tell you what not she used. She let them play with knife all we can understand as she were 3 sisters an later had brothers and she also only got 3 daughters and she want them to be adopted by anyone even strangers or die.

So she didn't like me so I use to tell to my mom how to deal with the situation and use to tell the rules here. My mom use to take care of kids and she never left them as she use to say that she will kill my potes behind my back. I use to laugh at my mom that she is their mom you think like that.

Yes she was right only once she came to visit other brother and one of my bhateejeeji playing with her sisters fell down and after a long time didn't come up she didn't check up she was sitting on other corner of the bed. After a long time she checked and my bhateeji was bayhosh had something coming out from her mouth.

She hid from all of us Now a lady infront of my sister saying you have to take care of that girl she is now having siezures. That girl also behave abnormal.

When first I saw she is doing something wrong with her daughter I said don't do that. My mom and sister said she will mind it so don't say anything. Let her do whatever she does.

Since then I never said anything to her but to my mom and use to tell what the rules here. She use to leave kids home alone. One lady said you deals like your kids "kutta billi" not like human beings. Because my mom wasn't there.

Whatever wrong she does don't say that your doing this is wrong. Never ever ever ever said to her no matter that you are wrong or you are doing a wrong way.

She needs support desperately. Giving her something to read would be a gr8 idea but it won't help much as during the stress ppl feels like not doing anything, not reading and doing nothing. She won't read.

Help her without saying anything. If you realy want to say whatever she does espcially matter about her husband always say you are right. Whatever you are doing is right. Whatever he is doing is wrong.

For the kids don't say ever that you are doing bad for kid or you are a bad mom. Just say that these things might be dangerous for kids. Or tell stories what you know, listen, heard or read.

Never ever say whatever you doing are wrong or you are not a good mom.

Always say you are right. During stress ppl behave abnormal do you know when? when they love a lot to their spouse. When they get stress from their love wallah they get so much stressed.

Ohhh yeah one more thing ppl you make things miserable may be your brother in law or either your sister or both don't want to change. Agar sahi karna ho to bura kioon karain. Kis ko samajh naheen ata kay kia ghalat hai aur kia sahi aur kon kahan ghalat kar raha hai.

So this is the reason if there is a problem in a marriage it doesn't solve. If a budha does something wrong he knows his wife due to love won't do anything wrong so he keep doing and think she is fool so he doesn't change. If he doesn't change than problem is not solved.

Trying to make things means again your sister going to sacrifice. Not only sacrifice but sacrifice more than before. It means she will get more stressed. And she won't like or wouldn't be able to handle any critisim.

Just pray for her and her kids and brother in law that Allah give him and both the aqal to deal well to each other and kids safety.

Allah pay bharosa karain Allah hifazat karay ga Uskay buchchon ki. Just keep praying for her and also helping her. Whenever you talk make it good time. Make her laugh. Say funny things that makes her laugh ask her to go to park or other activities with kids. Give gifts to her that interests her. Like some ladies like reading risalas and other things. Talk about closthes designs what's in these days, weather.

She need support from all you guys for sure. Tooooo much support. Always say yes you are right. First shee need support and when she will know that all of you are supporting her then when you will say things she won't get offeneded.

Ask your mom to help her out as much as she can. Tell her what to do in different situation.

Allah uski help karay ameen. I can understand all very well as been through that type of situation even very bad situations but we dealt it. Allah helped us Alhamdolillah.

I can understand how much you all will be stressed. The whole family will be understress.

I will pray for your sister ask her to pray too.

[Gr8Heera]

Re: Interferring when a matter of security

Sometimes parents don't take right steps as they say ohh hum larki walay hain. We can't do anything. Those are stupid as my parents did too. But we brother and secretly dealt it. They told my parents ask our oppologies we oppologies to our parents and brother in law and his family but from our nazar warned brother in law that you ain't gonna stop us.

Later he was begging us and my whole family then we ask them to come and with izzat take my daughter if you gonna do anything wrong we gonna kill you guys the whole family. lol