interfering relatives.

Lifestyle Parenting, Household Affairs and Cuisine corner
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this is something that bothers me, and its now bothering me more…i asked on the parenting section about my 2month olds chesty coughs, and honey was mentioned. sahar told me its not recommended by docs for infants…anyway i googled it…and to my shcok i found out why…and what can happen if they react to it etc…so im not giving her honey anymore…however reason i ws giving it was because my mum said to…same with my aunts and random aunties, who give their 2 cents and we rush out to do them because we think itl help our kids get better…i came downstaris today to find my auntie sowing garlic onto my 2month olds bib,-for her nose to unblock…without asking me, and now i found out we were wrong to give honey as its a pure form of bacteria and can lead to botulism etc…but our elders are full of this desi totkas…and it can be harmful, now im going to pak, il get more and more crap tips which maybe theyl even do without me knowing…my mum once told my some random stupid b**** in pakistan ( sorry im that angry) CUT OFF MY EYELASHES when i was 3 yrs old because pir zyda lambein grow hongey…crap…now i dnt mind if adults do crap to themselves…but doing it to a child/infant and without parents permission is taking the *****.

my mum was almost offended when i was said dont use talcum powder on my babies bottom as the particles can lead to them ingesting it and getting their chests infected etc…mum was like but ive used it on u lot, and ive had 5 kids, basss tumhe zyda patha hai na …and she got midly miffed…

how can u stop others from using/offering their desi crap to you, esp when it concers your child…my mum is my mum i can say whatecer to her, because we are like friends too. but how do you treat this situation with other auntijeesssss…

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Re: interfering relatives.

This is a toughie...do not know what to tell you.

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Re: interfering relatives.

There's a lot of issues you're talking about here, nadz. I'm dealing with much of the same, and I had thought about opening up a thread on this topic myself.

We live about 10 minutes from both sets of our parents. Both Nana and Dada respect our wishes as parents. Abu might suggest things, "Like oh by this age we usually do this, or don't you think she should try that" but he never gives her or does anything without consulting us.

The story is totally different with my mother and MIL. MIL (super-health-conscious always going on about eating healthy, reducing sugar, reducing salt blah blah) was the first to give Bunny a taste of an ice cream sandwich, without asking me or hubby. She insisted it's "thora sa" and all that, but of course then Bunny started eagerly reaching out for the sweet concoctions every time she saw them. Even when we said the doctor said not to give her dairy, she continued to offer Bunny butter, cheese, and yogurt, and then I had to specifically say, "That's dairy; we're waiting until 1 year to give her that." And then it suddenly clicked that when we said no dairy, we meant no dairy.

Ammi is the same way. If Bunny shows interest in ANYTHING others are eating (and she ALWAYS shows interest and starts going "nam nam nam") Ammi says, "Oh bichari ko dedo, she wants it, bechari bechari." And I'm like, "She's not bechari. She is fed and taken care of well, she is not missing out on something simply because she is not having tons of sugar or caffeine or whatever." She insists that if it's just a little it doesn't matter, and that they've been mothers longer and that we don't understand.

I've actually gotten very annoyed and upset. I've actually snapped at Ammi eventually after all her comments. And Hubby has done the same with his mom.

Sometimes I think I am overreacting and taking the doctor's orders too literally. But I do feel there shouldn't be a constant mixing of approaches -- and too many people interfering in the decisions being made for her. Pick a plan and stick with it, whatever it is, unless there is a reason not to.

I don't think they understand in particular the addictive quality of the processed foods and sugars that are in so many store-bought foods, that we've come to consume more regularly. I want to put off her cravings and knowledge for those foods. I think if the issue comes up again (tho I don't think it will, because I think both Ammi and MIL have seen how upset we get), I will remind them about how natural, home-made, and fresh the foods they ate as children were. MashAllah that generation is much healthier and more active than we are, and inshAllah they will remain this way for a long time. I want her to have the same.

As for the desi totkas, well, I think in most cases they don't do harm and in many cases they probably help. HOWEVER, I don't think that you should apply them blindly. You need to know what you are giving your child and why, and if it doesn't feel right, or if there is reason enough to doubt it being good for your child, DON'T DO IT. It's tough, and you will need to put your foot down. They will think you are being silly, they'll mock you and talk about how much new parents overreact. But who cares? That baby is YOUR responsibility, and you need to do what you feel is best for it. Take each decision you make for that child very seriously.

I haven't given you answers I know, but I just wanted to let you know, I totally understand how you feel.

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Re: interfering relatives.

Nadz…this is a problem most of us desi moms have gone through with our senior family members. The honey issue is a big one because on one hand it is sunnah to consume honey, and now research is suggesting serious conditions that can occur in infants taking honey.

Then we have the head shaping issue I’ve always had problems with, where aunties wanted me to have my infant sleep on a sack of Tilda rice to have her head shaped :mad:, then the maalish that was first performed on my child almost pulled her limbs apart.

So yeah, this is a serious issue.

BUt again, how do you tell an aunty who’s raised 25 children and may still be in the process of having more, tell simple old you who’s just had her first so easily [as you probably had an epidural and you didn’t do half the work she did 25 years ago when her water broke on the rickshaw whle your husband probably drove you in your leather seated BMW and carried you in his arms and held your hand during labor?] YOu just can’t win, my pal, so forget it.

Just remember it’s temporary, and just like you are still alive, your child will be too :hug::naak:. God bless.

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Re: interfering relatives.

1) You can use the "Doctor ne mana kiya hai" or "Doctor said this/that" when dealing with relatives. The mention of the word "doctor" might help to calm down relatives who are eager to take matters in their own hand and try to help, lol.

2) Educate the aunties nicely and tell them why something like honey is not recommended, for example.

3) Sometimes you just gotta smile politely and listen. Listening doesn't mean that you're going to act on every advice that an aunti gives you. It's a 4-step process, really. Smile, nod your head, mutter a "jee, haan jee, changa gee", then in one ear and out the other. The garlic can be easily removed from the bib and chucked into the trash can. It's a nuisance, but it's not a permanent problem to contend with.

4) It's not only desi aunties who believe in popular remedies. For example, some people among the younger and non-desi generation also believe in myths like cutting your eyelashes and slathering them with Vaseline will make them grow longer. In fact, most of us have grown up hearing ideas that we still believe in or suggest to others, unaware that they are not really effective. Some of the remedies that aunties have might be completely bogus. And other remedies that they suggest might be very beneficial and valid. Before you jump to the conclusion that every aunti is wrong, do some research and find out if the suggestion is helpful.

5) There has to be a healthy balance. Parents, I think, can sometimes overdo the protection. They might go overboard in wanting to protect their child from every illness, but kids need to get sick in order for their immune system to develop antibodies to fight an illness. This is just an example.

6) It's hard for me to imagine that talcum powder will be ingested by the baby unless it is placed where the baby can reach it or so much of it poured that it flies all over the place and it is ingested. In this case, baby oil/shampoo/lotion can be dangerous as well. Anything can be a hazard, especially if the person is careless or reckless. If you use something correctly, then obviously you decrease the chance of accidents taking place.

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Re: interfering relatives.

^ About the talc thing, there is research that suggests a connection between it and cancer in the lungs and in the ovaries. Given that the dust can be inhaled and the placement of talc in the diaper area, I think the link is reason enough to stop using it.

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Re: interfering relatives.

LMAO!!!

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Re: interfering relatives.

Did not know about that, thanks :)

Nadz, I have the perfect solution for your problem. Douse the meddling aunties with talcum powder. Get to the root of the problem. Na rahay ga baans....

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Re: interfering relatives.

just replace the talc powder with the cornflour one

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Re: interfering relatives.

Buy a few bibs and T-shirts with this written on them " My baby my way , for you hi-way" If you cannot find them in stores you can embroider a few yourself.

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Re: interfering relatives.

Whenever someone wanted to shovel something into my little treasure's mouth,I would firmly say 'Abhi na day please...hosakta hai ke allergic ho'....then the auntie would go 'haan,haan sahi keh rahi ho beta'..and stop.

But then I had my mum on my side too...she put a stop to any side tracking too.I just said it's very important to see whether she is allergic to this or not...and we won't know until she's much older..(like ten!!!)...:D

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Re: interfering relatives.

Smart move. :k:

This will work for those who you can see doing it. But in Nadz123 case , some women are doing stuff or giving stuff to the baby without her knowing it then my suggestion might work.

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Re: interfering relatives.

I think cutting your'e eyelashes is a bit too much!
my mum gave us honey n water when we were young, i see my grandma' telling us about this totka too. It's up to u if u wana do what these angrez DRs say about not giving honey.
Other than that it's not like ooh very dangerous!

they also don't recommend weaning before 6months, apparently they also say baby walkers are not good either & a big NO NO to co sleeping either. But people in Pakistan wean around 4months n co-sleeping is common even then SID's and ajeeb ajeeb diseases don't occur there.
& ur mums right she has also raised kids, she knows what shes talking about..

And I still believe that thing about talcum powder is a bit too much hyped, again people have been using talcs generation after generation. these people comin up with researches like thats not right n thats not right. i mean what the hell!?

people are gona give u advice n totkas no matter u want them or not, unfortunately thats a part of the asian culture. but its upto u if u want to follow them.

You're child - You're parenting style!

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Re: interfering relatives.

ack! i'm getting aggravated just reading these comments. i honestly don't know how i'll handle it if people start telling me what to do with my bean when he/she arrives iA :/

all i can say Nadz is what others have said- your baby, your way. its fine if people get offended, they'll get over it. whats more important is that you, as your child's primary caregiver, are the one in charge.

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Re: interfering relatives.

I try also to remind myself how lucky she is and we are to have so many caring people around. Try not to let their behavior ruin the entire relationship,a nd be open and honest if something bothers you.

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Re: interfering relatives.

listening to unsolicited advices and weighing it in for your child is a big part of parenting. This will happen for the rest of their lives so best to develop a strategy BEFORE hand.

There is a way to calmly rationally YET FIRMLY set the expectations with relatives.

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Re: interfering relatives.

I don't have childern, but I'd honestly be heart broken if my sisters start snapping at me 'Oh its my child, my resposiblity, don't do this, don't do that bla bla' everytime I fail to tick doctor's tick list. I understand your concerns but I hope you new mummies don't hurt people, who do have your child's best interest at heart, in the name of taking care of your child.

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Re: interfering relatives.

I can totally understand this issue. My mil is currently visiting from
pak n has been dying to give my son honey and bundles him up
in soooo many layers that the poor baby starts sweating. I keep explaining
that houses here are centrally air conditioned so no need to go crazy
with sweaters n blankets everytime i bring him into the living room but it
doesnt matter to her.

To the ppl saying sids etc doesnt exist in pak.... It does. But
its not reported to authorities so its not recorded. Believe me
all those aunties who raised 15 kids actually also lost
2 or 3 for 'unknown reasons' or kaala jaadu or nazar or jinns.
They just dont talk abt the deaths of those kids. My hubby straight
up said it to her when she mentioned honey for the 15th time: ami
pakistan mein sub ko dete hain aur jo bache mar jaate hain
un ka pata bhi nahi chalta ke kyun or kaise mar gaye'
yup puttin it bluntly gets the point across :)

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Re: interfering relatives.

wowww that honey bit from yoru husband was harsh...I hope your mil learned her lesson... hoenstly I feel bad for her!

I guess I find it funny that people still give honey to kids in Pakistan and some even here but they dun die of unknown causes!

Probably we should all move out, cut off from the world, raise the kids in a bubble and then bring them back.. and then of course they will not have any allergies, diseases, and all that stuff that our mothers and relatives can cause them to happen!

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Re: interfering relatives.

Lol gemini... My point wasnt that if we give honey it will def cause
somethin bad to happen but it can. I was just sayin that
when kids die here its labeled as sids or infection or pneumonia and
when kids die in pak its labeled kala jaadu or just allah ki marzi. It
just annoys me when ppl say that how come all these
diseases dont exist in pak? Well they do but its just
under a diff label.