Interfaith

Lifestyle Relationships
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Has any of you married into other religion or you know guys who are somewhat practicing muslim who married a girl - Jewish or Christian. How did they make it work? since islam gives the permission to marry but why it is looked down in some families if one marries a girl of different faith. People usually make a big deal about it and the poor guy becomes bad in society.

And I don’t think the girl you are marrying needs to convert to Islam to be married to a muslim but still many different problem arises but do you think it’s mainly from religious differences or just not being on the same page?

Another potential issue I could see is kids not being raised as Muslims. But is it wrong to leave at your kids when they grow up to decide whether they want to follow islam, Christianity etc. I believe the focus should be making sure they turn out to be better human being and a better person rather than telling them to follow something if they don’t even believe or practice.

From my impression, a regular muslim in west barely prays 5 times a day, with work schedule they don’t fast for all 30 days, they believe in one God and visit mosque for Eid prayers, have a good solid foundation of Islam with a good tolerance for other religion. So with this it seems things might go well as long as the couple have mutual respect and understanding. But still I hear many stories of interfaith marriages ending down the drain. Are those people marrying for the wrong reason whatever that maybe?

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I know of 4 folks who married Christian women. All but one resulted in divorce. In one case divorce happened when kids grew up to start dating.
One woman converted to Islam but after divorce she did not remain Muslim either. In two cases they did not have any kids.
In two cases they had kids but they were not raised as Muslim. In both cases dads were the only bread winners and were working their buts off to keep the family going so the mothers had a stronger bonds. Both of these dads were not super religious. The kids were mainly raised by moms so they either became non practicing Christians or did not have any religion at all.

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Because most people (families) are afraid of the unknown. Plenty of guys I know personally are married to girls who were non-muslim. It's not a bed of roses, but then again no relationship really is. If you're willing to put in hard work, it's going to work out just fine. Respect, compromise and mutual understanding being the key words... as always.

[quote]
And I don't think the girl you are marrying needs to convert to Islam to be married to a muslim but still many different problem arises but do you think it's mainly from religious differences or just not being on the same page?

Another potential issue I could see is kids not being raised as Muslims. But is it wrong to leave at your kids when they grow up to decide whether they want to follow islam, Christianity etc. I believe the focus should be making sure they turn out to be better human being and a better person rather than telling them to follow something if they don't even believe or practice.
[/quote]

Personal preferences I guess. For the couples I know, it was important to have a mutual faith ground (be on the same page) in regards to children later on. I think as a muslim, you do feel it's your duty to raise your children as Muslims rather then "leaving it upto them" - IMO, You should teach them about the religion and in order to avoid confusion, I guess it's easier if both parents are on the same page because honestly which kid isn't going to get confused if one parent is saying Allah swt has no children vs. one saying Jesus is God's son, you see?

[quote]
From my impression, a regular muslim in west barely prays 5 times a day, with work schedule they don't fast for all 30 days, they believe in one God and visit mosque for Eid prayers, have a good solid foundation of Islam with a good tolerance for other religion. So with this it seems things might go well as long as the couple have mutual respect and understanding. But still I hear many stories of interfaith marriages ending down the drain. Are those people marrying for the wrong reason whatever that maybe?
[/quote]

Like I said, it's not a bed of roses. You've to think and plan ahead but a lot of people are blindly in love and hence think they can overcome anything - which usually isn't the case. Marriage is hard enough even when you've the same language, culture and upbringing.. Just imagine what kind of clashes culture/religious differences, different upbringing etc can bring along, not to forget the family drama and politics.

I know a handful of interfaith/interculture marriages - all of them are happily married for several years. Kids are being raised as muslims (if that's a major concern) so IMO it's doable if you really want it.

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Generally speaking of all of the interfaith marriages I have seen - mainly in my family ( there are alot) and even with friends.. religion is the last thing on their minds.. because if it mattered so much to them, they wouldn't have married someone from another faith in the first place.

for ex - quite a few of my uncles married Christian women.. NOT ONE is a practicing muslim, and neither are any of their kids.
my cousins did too - again, nothing in their life says they practice anything Islamic.
a friend married a Christian man (he "converted" too) .. she refused to marry him unless he converted because Islam was important to her.. yet their house bears nothing of religious signifance, whether it is them praying, or even saying salam etc.. nothing. doesn't make sense to me, but whatever

just sayin .. everyone's experiences are different

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I don't know what "right reasons" and "wrong reasons" for marriage is. Kinda relative in my view. Even marriage itself makes sense if one is either religious or wants legal rights within a country where they differ for "single" people. In Canada, for example, "common law partner" has same rights as a "married" person.

But speaking from an Islamic sharia point of view, we all understand Jews, Christians and Muslims may marry among each other as God doesn't prohibit it, instead allows it and does not require the other partner to convert. But in reality people are actually "Spiritual and not religious" because they do not ascribed to any particular religious faith, and actually celebrate all festivals of all religions unequivocally.

There is wisdom between allowing intermarriages between J/C/M, one of which is there is a lot of shared common core values. The common core values drive sentiments. And as one individual goes through life their sense of faith, and spiritual inclinations vary. Certain "dormant" value may suddenly become significant "operative" values. In which case close spousal relationship can be impacted adversely and that need to be avoided.

Other reasons, as far as I understand, are related to macro social structure of family and ummah. but thats probably beyond the scope of discussion here.

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It's true that the girl doesn't need to convert but she does have to be "chaste" (however you chose to interpret that...)

I personally don't know anyone who has married a non-muslim but plenty in my social circle are or are married to converts. The only person I know of is a distant relative who went to school in UK and married a gori christian. Children are pretty much agnostic and neither parent is really too into religion from what I know.

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I know of one family. The dad (Pakistani American) is a regular at Friday prayers and sometimes on Eid, his wife (white, American) also comes along. They have been married for quite some time now since their kids are in mid-20s. They seem like a happily married couple, however their children are not Muslims at all. So it's up to you, if raising your children with same faith as yours is something you can compromise on then it shouldn't be any harder than any other marriage I think.

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My uncle married a christian lady. They have two girls who follow christian faith. Happy family.

A step cousin married a shia lady. They both follow muslim faith without classifying their beliefs as sunni/shia. They're a happy family.

Outside the family, there are several more I know.

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Very interesting to read all different stories. Its definitely something a couple need to talk in detail before jumping in. I guess interfaith marriage could be good or turn out bad depending on what you make it out to be. But a lot of work is required to make it work. Interesting !

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I know many people , Muslim men and women who have married someone outside of Islam.

Pakistani guy married to American girl, he does not practise, does Eid prayer etc.. wife not Muslim, all children do not follow Islam at all. Present at all Desi family events , she gets on well with all family members., she is a sweet and classy lady.

Pakistani guy/non Muslim American wife, entire life children attended Islamic schools, but now in their 20's, the children have adopted a completely non Islamic way of life.

Pakistani guy/staunch Christian Canadian woman... both children follow and observe Christianity. Now the old Pakistani guy, tries to teach whatever he can of Islam to his grandchildren. but that's about it

Malaysian Muslim/ strong Christian woman..he spent his entire married life taking his children to Islamic school, learning about Islam, he was very active in the mosque along with his children. Children hit teenage years things changed, all 5 children are no longer Muslim, or observe anything to do with Islam, one is Hindu, another is living with a Hindu, others are married to non Muslim men/women.

Pakistani US girl/ married white American (who converted for family)..ended in divorce with one child. Equal custody between both parents, daughter is raised as non Muslim.

My Pakistani dumb cousin/ married to white American woman.. one beautiful daughter. divorced, he lost custody, daughter is a staunch Christian.

My sister (in her in laws).. a Pakistani Uncle married a white British lass. had 3 children. He in his last year of life started thinking of Islam,and went to local mosque and made a will stating if he died he was to be given Islamically funeral/burial . He passed away that year, his wife was going to cremate him, that same day emergency court order to halt the cremation, he was given full islamic funeral/burial rites,

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-My mamoo…married a white american lady who wasn’t particularly religious. They have 3 boys…all given Muslim names,but my mamoo wasn’t really practicing, aside from showing up at Eid namaz lol…his wife and kids participate in all family activities and dawats, and his sons will stand in jamat for namaz at a dawat and follow the motions..that’s about it. My mami dresses in saris and shalwar kameez…is involved in family stuff…it’s worked for them…they’ve been married 38 years now

-My Pakistani friend married a white american guy..he converted, his family I guess was okay with it. They have two children, both who are being raised Muslim..go to sunday school at the masjid and everything. He has adapted well in the pakistani community..they still go to his family’s Christmas celebrations and what not, but don’t have a tree in their own home. They really are a beautiful family.

My sister married a white american guy right after highschool…he went through the motions of “converting” to please my parents…the marriage lasted 5 years…she got divorced, has been single ever since, but now at age 44 is getting married again…to a man my mother always wanted for her! Our families have been friends for over 30 years…it’s all about qismat! :blush:

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^Congratulation on your sister's upcoming wedding!!!

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thanks RV, we're all over the moon!

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^Cool story though. Funny how things work out. Sometimes things come full circle at a later point. I guess it is qismat then. May Allah bless her with a successful marriage; Amin. :flower1:

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I wish I could ask all those people why they got divorce. There is a significant number whose marriages didn't work out but it could happen in any marriage I suppose. Among most white that I know, the idea of disposable marriage is common which scares the bejeesus out of me. But there are some who makes it work. It's a risky business.

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If Islam actually means anything to you then you would marry a Muslim. Of course who people marry is their decision but if you're Muslim you should look at the bigger picture too. What would you say to Allah if you didn't raise your children as Muslims? When you stand there before your creator with your descendants behind you what will you say? They will blame you for them having lost their way. You will be held responsible for the misguidance of your descendants. I know it sounds really harsh but it is something that needs thinking about. Because this life isn't our ultimate end. That end is in the hereafter. If you are Muslim you try as best you can to raise your children to be practising Muslims, good Muslims and then you leave it in Allah's hands. At least you can stand before your lord without being humiliated. And also being a good Muslim should automatically mean good person. The ummah needs to fix itself. Its not one or the other. The prophet was the best Muslim and he was the best of people.

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^you're right. it all depends on how much islam means to these specific Muslims.

I had an english colleague who seemed very racist in his jokes and i was surprised to find out he was married to a bengali muslim girl. At one party, we were sat together and since i wasnt drinking and dress in trouser while the rest were in dresses, he made an almost mockery comment that 'oh thank god they are good muslims and i am married to one. I asked what he meant by good muslim and his reply amused me...he said that it those who do not make a fuss about drinking, eating pork and do not mind skin show.... like his wife

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I'm the outcome of an interfaith marriage and so can say they do work if there's a bit of compromise and everything is out in the open in the first place. I think communication is key and what matters to both people in the relationship. For the most part, I felt like most fights arose because of other relatives who were interfering and giving their two cents on how me and my siblings should be raised. I think in this aspect, my mom compromised a bit more than my father since we were raised in his faith.

There are a few interfaith marriages within my family and luckily none have resulted in divorce, although it is a tough road. I think it can work but I feel like often one partner has to compromise - in terms of raising the kids in the others faith, attending cultural/religious events, etc. If the families on both sides are on board then that does make life easier.

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As you can see everyone knows a few men who married out. Add up the numbers and it turns out to be a lot of guys. How is it fair then to the desi pakistani Muslim girls? We are highly limited when it comes to proposals and this makes it way worse. The argument that kids will become muslim if the father is muslim is BS. Father has to be practicing. Islam go pass it down. Add to it a mom who isn't even muslim. Chances are a lot of kids from these marriages won't be muslim.

And that's something our community really needs to think about. Our next generation of kids in the US - there will be a large crowd of desi looking kids with muslim names who are not muslim.

To me that's sad.

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Not to mention an excess number of women who are not getting married. This too is unfair to the community overall.

If you have daughters then and they are having difficulty finding good desi muslim guys then don't complain later.