I have a 25 year old brother who has mild intellectual disabilities. He is handsome and physically fit and when people meet him for the first time, they can never guess that he has intellectual disabilities. He has outgoing personality and just want to make friends with everyone. However, after talking to him for a while, a person quickly realizes that he is just like a 10 year old kid. He went to special high school here in USA. As a kid in Pakistan (he went there until 5[SUP]th[/SUP] grade), they didn’t even bother pointing this out but in USA, they quickly assessed him and suggested that Special program would be better for him.
As a person, he is very sweet and caring and has a pure heart like a child. But as he’s growing up, he is starting to feel more and more lonely. People of his age can’t relate to him or be friends with him, so he mostly plays basketball with my 12 year old brother’s friends, or hang out and go out with family, play video games, etc. We have to be strict with him sometimes because he wants to talk to everyone and just make friends everywhere with everyone. He also shows a lot of interest in women of his age and talk about when I get married…etc. I tried getting help from our local Masjid and people with disabilities group in our state, however he has very unique problem. He doesn’t fit in neither normal nor people with disabilities category. Clinically, he is diagnosed with ‘mild intellectual disability, and ADD’.
Now my question is, as he’s getting older, his need for companionship will grow more. How and where would we find a compatible match for him? I understand that as his family, we would be supporting him and his family until we can figure out something that he can do himself. Has anyone been in a similar situation like this? Any advice?
7 years ago , I saw this guy in my school, he was also innocent like kid, but his age was 16 or 17. I think was around 12 or 13.
He really liked me but I didnot , he was most honest , caring guy ever. Sometimes people would try to use him such as ask for money and other stuff and he used to just hand those stuff out to them easily. But I taught all those some kids some nice lessons too. [emoji12][emoji12]
But overtime I started to like him too.
But then I left that school , never saw him again. And I don't keep in contact with him because my dad Doesnot like me talking or even looking at a guy ...
Moreover Someone will definitely love him, maybe not immediately but gradually. To me they are as special as any other guy.
You can ask me anything if you want !!!
Trust me, he will find someone.
But please make sure that the girl is also from USA as well because some girls from back home (Pak) might marry him just for citizen ship and money.
Sorry If i offended you !!
Plz correct if I said something bad or rude [emoji15]
Well, whatever you do, PLEASE disclose this to any prospective rishtas before the wedding so they can make an informed decision; there's nothing wrong about a person who doesn't want to spend their life with someone if they're not comfortable with this. DO NOT keep this from anyone and wait until after marriage for her to find out and put the wife in a tough position. That's just horrible.
Well, whatever you do, PLEASE disclose this to any prospective rishtas before the wedding so they can make an informed decision; there's nothing wrong about a person who doesn't want to spend their life with someone if they're not comfortable with this. DO NOT keep this from anyone and wait until after marriage for her to find out and put the wife in a tough position. That's just horrible.
Why are you under the illusion OP/family would not disclose such a thing? Yes, it would be most unwise not to mention his disability but surely the prospective bride to be and /or family will recognise this. You could have worded it better.
Besides wanting a life partner for the emotional aspect, is he going to need financial support? Is he able to hold down a job and provide for a family? This will play a big role in what girls you approach for him.
Allah has made a partner for everyone. InshAllah you will find someone who needs someone exactly like your brother. Just have patience, keep trying, and be upfront about the sutuation
Why are you under the illusion OP/family would not disclose such a thing? Yes, it would be most unwise not to mention his disability but surely the prospective bride to be and /or family will recognise this. You could have worded it better.
I'm not assuming anything about OP, I'm sure they're ethical and decent people, but not everyone is? Some families would try to hide these things.
As a person, he is very sweet and caring and has a pure heart like a child. But as he’s growing up, he is starting to feel more and more lonely. People of his age can’t relate to him or be friends with him, so he mostly plays basketball with my 12 year old brother’s friends, or hang out and go out with family, play video games, etc. We have to be strict with him sometimes because he wants to talk to everyone and just make friends everywhere with everyone. He also shows a lot of interest in women of his age and talk about when I get married…etc. *I tried getting help from our local Masjid and people with disabilities group in our state, however he has very unique problem. He doesn’t fit in neither normal nor people with disabilities category. Clinically, he is diagnosed with ‘mild intellectual disability, and ADD’. *
Now my question is, as he’s getting older, his need for companionship will grow more. How and where would we find a compatible match for him? I understand that as his family, we would be supporting him and his family until we can figure out something that he can do himself.
What state do you live in? Unless you live in a small state OR in a rural area, I find shocking that you're not able to find ANY support groups/other families in your area for people with mild intellectual disability. His doctors aren't able to provide you with ANY information on this? You haven't been able to find ANY other family in your city even through online Google/Facebook search who have a family member with this condition? The special ed classes he took for years.....what about the other kids in his special ed class? You/your family didn't keep in touch with them?
He went to a special Ed school but what did he do after high school? Did you enroll him in classes that would teach in independent living skills? Does he have a job that allows him to get out of the house and keep busy?
It's natural for him to show interest in women and talk about getting married. In fact, even actual 10-year boys are interested in women but that doesn't mean they can manage the responsibilities of being a husband. You have left out many details. What exactly is your brother's mental age (as diagnosed by his doctor)? Is he actually capable of being a husband to a woman...financially, emotionally and sexually? Is his mental age/capacity to a point where he can be a father to a child?
You wrote that you know that you/your family will be supporting your brother/his family until you can figure out something he can do himself. Well, why don't you figure out that "something" that he can do himself BEFORE worrying about getting him married? What steps are you taking right now to figure out this "something" that your brother can do?
You can search for professionals who provide sexual services to men with disabilities (physical or mental). I know people are very judgemental about this but you should look at your brothers interests first. Can such experiences make him happy?
You have to be prepared for the liklihood that he might never be able to marry: normal women wont accept him and other disabled women would be looking for able men who can take care of them. Even if you do manage to find a mentally disabled wife for him who would take care of them both? What happens if they have kids?
It would be better to not restrict your options for your brother, to marriage. Physical intimacy and sex are very basic desires that can be fulfilled in other ways as well.
Alternatively you can try online dating. Although mentally challenged, you mention your brother is good looking. Some women might be interested in short term relationships with him because of his looks. You can make a profile for him and mention his disability.
May Allah make it easy for you guys to find a suitable match for him.
I know a family in USA in similar situation. They brought the bride from Pakistan. They have two kids now. In laws live with the couple and provide full support. Bahu herself is a very strong girl, and though was not highly educated but seemed to pickup things and now works full time. I am sure things are not as rosy and normal as it seems with them, but overall they are living a happy life.