On a Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.” Gee that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” (The shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (And that would be how …?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (But its “just” a suggestion)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.”
(Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.” (As night follows day . . .)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (But wouldn’t this save me more time?)
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” (I gotta admit, I’m curious.)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)
May your life be like arithmetic…friends added, enemies subtracted…joys multiplied, and sorrows divided…