How much do you let people make insensitive comments before you actually speak up and say something…that is, if you say something?
Now I’m not gonna pretend that i’m perfect…i know i hvae a big mouth :halo: and I have said things I shouldn’t have said… but some things, IMO, are like a DONT EVEN GO THERE. and somehow, i expect others to know what is acceptable and what is considered rude…
so what u do?
Re: Insensitive Comments
its all about intent
Re: Insensitive Comments
I'm having a hard time trying to figure out hte "good" intent behind particular comments.
but yes, u have a point....some people do say things that are meant as compliments but come out weird.
Re: Insensitive Comments
If it's someone I know and is somewhat a resaonable person, I'll explain to them that what they are saying is insensitive. I'll do it in calm manner, so as to gauge what they mean, or if there was any kind of misunderstanding. If it's someone who I know has a malicious intent, I'll either just ignore them or tell them to STFU! :D
So, are you referring to nosy questions? Or comments that are just very inconsiderate?
For the former, you can either tell the person calmly that you consider this a personal issue. Or display a confused look and ask them, “I don’t know how this would affect you. Why do you feel the need to know?” Or just stare, that’s always awkward, lol. For the latter, explain why you think their comments are offensive…(it can be hard not to lash back).
As for “how much” you let people make comments…Well, you can’t stop them from speaking. Tolerance can depend upon frequency (after a point, you may think enough is enough)…and sometimes it depends on the degree of idiocy even if it’s a first time offense.
Re: Insensitive Comments
It depends...
If it gets personal to the point where its obviously pointed at me...I say something. If its about something I care and feel very deeply about...I might say something.
However, if its an issue that Im not too particular about then I try to stay out of it.
Before, I was too timid and tooooooooooooo shy to speak up but now occasionally I do. Why? Because if you dont, people walk all over you.
Re: Insensitive Comments
^ Extremely inconsiderate comments, that may be funny but they're not.
At this point I just don't care enough to correct them. Just smile and nod, smile and nod.
Well Reha, you know exactly what I am referring to 
I come across the best people 
Agree :k:
Also, because some people get encouraged knowing that nobody will say anything…and they need to see that not everyone will let you get away with it. Someone will put you in your place…and that will hopefully make you think twice in the future before.
I know what you’re talking about.
Ive come across the same types of comments from some people. Some from a very close friend of mine! And while it gets to you…you have to understand that these people really don’t know any better. If they did, they would have seen the beauty rather than whatever it is they saw.
So, in one way it might hurt but then in another way…you feel bad for them because THEY are missing out.
Like Reha I also never used to speak up but what I have learned from my experience is that you should speak for yourself . You don't necessarily have to be rude .....there are always other ways to make your point clear.
Recently many people have asked me question as to why I am still working ! and they are like what kind of mother I am to leave my infant daughter at home just for the sake of earning money. 3 days back a guy at work started off asking me questions that why are you still working ? and started asked personal question (like financial) . I had to stop him , I was not rude to him but I said I don't leave my baby with any stranger I leave her with my mom and she is capable of taking very good care of her and besides I want to send my daughter to good school and I don't want to compromise on any need of hers. He himself has 3 kids and didn't let his wife work....fine it was his decision. He chose to send his kids to an average gali mohala ka school fine it was his decision ..... I am not criticising him for not sending his kids to good school so he does not have any right to criticise me ! Similarly a few days back we had in our office visitors from abroad they too were very nosy about me leaving my daughter at home and working.
In Pakistan things are different they look at you like you are doing a gunnah to leave your daughter at home with someone else for the sake of working.
They don't pay for my daughter's needs and they don't fill the grocery in my house so they don't have any right to comment and if they are commenting either I ignore them or I reply them in best possible decent way.
Don't let people tell you how to live your life when they are not in your shoes. Ignore once Ignore twice but not third time or fourth time. There is a saying that Lehaz ko Lehaz hota hai ...agar app kisi ka lehaz karo gay to woh apka lehaz karey ga otherwise lehaz ek do dafa hota hai 3rd 4th time nahi. It's better for all of us to know our boundaries & limitations.
How much do you let people make insensitive comments before you actually speak up and say something....
i would disconnect myself from such company than to stoop to their level.
*If it's continuous, shut them down, and start distancing yourself. If they really cared about you, they will come and apologize, and if they didn't they will think you're making a big deal out of it and scoff at you but do you really need people like that in your life? *
Like Reha I also never used to speak up but what I have learned from my experience is that you should speak for yourself . You don't necessarily have to be rude .....there are always other ways to make your point clear.
Recently many people have asked me question as to why I am still working ! and they are like what kind of mother I am to leave my infant daughter at home just for the sake of earning money. 3 days back a guy at work started off asking me questions that why are you still working ? and started asked personal question (like financial) . I had to stop him , I was not rude to him but I said I don't leave my baby with any stranger I leave her with my mom and she is capable of taking very good care of her and besides I want to send my daughter to good school and I don't want to compromise on any need of hers. He himself has 3 kids and didn't let his wife work....fine it was his decision. He chose to send his kids to an average gali mohala ka school fine it was his decision ..... I am not criticising him for not sending his kids to good school so he does not have any right to criticise me ! Similarly a few days back we had in our office visitors from abroad they too were very nosy about me leaving my daughter at home and working.
In Pakistan things are different they look at you like you are doing a gunnah to leave your daughter at home with someone else for the sake of working.
They don't pay for my daughter's needs and they don't fill the grocery in my house so they don't have any right to comment and if they are commenting either I ignore them or I reply them in best possible decent way.
Don't let people tell you how to live your life when they are not in your shoes. Ignore once Ignore twice but not third time or fourth time. There is a saying that Lehaz ko Lehaz hota hai ...agar app kisi ka lehaz karo gay to woh apka lehaz karey ga otherwise lehaz ek do dafa hota hai 3rd 4th time nahi. It's better for all of us to know our boundaries & limitations.
Yea I don't get it. Why is it bad if a women works in Pakistan? I mean, if she's doing honest work then what does it matter? It boggles my mind really.
They don't pay for my daughter's needs and they don't fill the grocery in my house so they don't have any right to comment and if they are commenting either I ignore them or I reply them in best possible decent way.
That's right you don't owe them anything. But be benevolent and educate them on their erroneous assumptions. I would explain things to them in a decent way...that would still make them feel stupid for asking....so that they think twice before doing that to someone else in the future.
:k:
You will always have people who will critique and analyze your ways because you are different. Because your life doesnt fit their cookie cutter version of a Pakistani woman, you’re up for discussion. These things make me so mad sometimes…in so many ways Pakistanis are talented and then in so many ways…so archaic.
I really do try to understand the nature of the questioning. A polite inquiry that really seems like genuine interest in finding the right information is always treated with respect. A mocking or condescending attitude gets the same in return.
Sara, you will run into ignorance your entire life…Allah swt has made human beings in all shapes and sizes. You and I have our place and Im sure they have theirs. Unko unke haal pe chordo.
Recently, at work I have initiated a few social events because some of my colleagues are just so…searching for the right word…anti social? One of the events is a potluck. We’re a diverse group of people so its hard to organize things like this…all of us have different tastes in food. Even though I’m the only Muslim Pakistani/desi now…there are quite a few people who don’t eat pork. When I addressed this issue, we had a lady who had the nerve to send out a mass email asking everyone in the office “who the heck doesn’t eat pork around here?”. Reason? She thought it was only me who doesn’t eat it and I was making a big stink about being considerate of other peoples’ diets just for me, myself and I. She’s one of those “praise the Lawwwwwd Jesus” types that thinks everyone else is a heathen. We have only 18 people in our office, 6 of them don’t eat pork! Oooooh, the drama just so she could eat some bacon! The ignorance is so frustrating, I want to take a bat to her head but then I stop and think…why bother? People change/learn/adapt/etc ONLY when they want to.
Bhar mein jhoko aise logon ko…
I think some people just dont understand what appropriate really means.
There is this girl at my work who is a prime example. She thinks that anything and everything thats happening in anybody's life, is her business.
For example, once she asked another co-worker, who had just started working there, if she was a virgin! a total WTH moment.
If she had asked me that question, I would've probably told her to not ask me personal questions like that. I mean you'd think that people who are not close to you would already know not to ask you those questions. But some people have no concept of boundaries and like to contribute their useless two cents everywhere.
it boggles me how the Lawwd Jesus people actually do this. You wuold think they would be the more caring and understanding type.
never encountered such melodramatic people in my life though.. well not at work.
Re: Insensitive Comments
There was a girl at work once, who was senior to me, and i was gonna take over her job once she left in 3 months, so she had 3months to teach me....I didnt have a personal email address for that time, so hers and mine were together, meaning i could read hers and she could read mine. in the first week, i mustve made a mistake and she rather than tell me, emailed the manager telling her nads123 has made a hugeeee mistake and such and such is really angry now etc etc....she made a mountain out of a molehil, i got really peed off and told her where to go, and if she has a issue with me, or anything have the audacity to tell me to my face and not run off and email the manager.
so many things like that, as well as within relatives, i always most of the time speak up, i dont care what they think. as long as its not said `aggressivley or in a rude manner to a grown up...than all is well...