Hi everyone, I’m on the verge of having my rishta settled and need some guidance.
Basically the guys family lives overseas and my parents have only met his family once. theyll be all getting together for eid and my parents wanted to host a dinner for them but the future MIL told my mom shed see and that theyd only come if their was a formal reason to come ie if my mom would move the relationship to an official one, despite her only having this family once. To me this insinuates that they were not interested in meeting my family for just a casual dinner. It rubbed me the wrong. arent people supposed to put their best foot forward? she said that everyone was too busy to come over for nothing. there is a huge class difference between us and them (they are more well off) and i feel like they wouldnt have said no if we had more status. where is the tameez? She also said she would like a simple baat pakki with her bringing nothing but mithai. All the other brides in that family had grand affairs. Im feeling a bi of a difference. with every baat pakki ive ever been to the future MIL sends at least some costume jewelery or more often than not, a small gold item and a suit for the future DIL to wear. feeling slightly worried that im getting treated differently for some reason.
Ladies who married into wealthier families, how do you manage the relationship between yourself and your inlaws? how to make sure you are treated fairly and equally? Another thing, the only area where they are better off than us is in wealth. in every other quality my family is obviously better off, in terms of manners, education, general tameez. not that they are bad in other areas, just lesser (if it makes any sense).
just feeling very precarious and since its arranged this would be the perfect time to drop it before i realize im in too deep to something that i could have avoided early on.
Ladies, please give me your experiences and if this is a warning sign. if not, what ARE the warning signs that you wished youd noticed before marriage?
Well, it IS harder to travel overseas for only an Eid dinner. I can see her point of view. Even an out-of-state invitation or an invitation from a city much further away might make someone hesitant. Had both families lived closer, it would be different.
Your parents have only met this family once…so how many times have YOU met the guy in person? How long have you known him for? If you don’t know him that well, then how do you even know that the other brides in his family have had lavish affairs? Perhaps the guy’s side keeps the baat pakki rasam simple and goes “all out” on subsequent wedding events.
If you believe that your family has better manners/tameez…then what is your family’s motivation for even considering this rishta? I’m sorry if this comes across as harsh, but my intention is not to offend you. I’m trying to wrap my head around this situation. If you think about it, you’ve kinda answered your own questions in your post. If …according to you…this guy and his family do not have good manners and not that educated…then what are your reasons for even considering this rishta and going to the point of hosting an Eid dawat for them? Is it not better to consider another rishta where you feel respected by the family? You’d be saving yourself and his family a lot of time, energy, and money that way.
Even if his mother were to give you expensive gifts for a baat pakki, it’s not a guarantee that she will respect you or love you, etc. So, focus more on how this family has been behaving with you. How is their body language? How are the phone conversations? Do they speak respectfully or otherwise? Do you and the guy connect…do you have similar values and goals? There are other more important things to think about.
You cannot really “make sure” that you are treated equally in terms of wedding expenses. You can’t force they guy’s family to give you more jewelry or more clothes or to host a bigger event for you. Similarly, you cannot force someone to give you respect. That said, if you and your family do not feel respected…then call off the rishta. Now would be the time to do it. It will only get harder later on. And do istikhara.
I agree with red velvet. Do you want to marry into this guy’s family because of their money? If not, then why do you want to marry into a family whose every quality is so much lower than your family?
if family is making u and ur family feel lower in financial status by saying some words or sentences even, plz stay away from these people. believe me, after marriage the only thing wants a girl atis any cost, is respect,
