I posted this on another forum section of the site
My wife recently had some fertility tests done and they were not good. It turns out our ability to conceive naturally might be difficult or next to impossible. Without going into too much detail my dilemma is basically if we cant go through natural means and going through fertility specialists with IVF/IUI/Donor etc is not achievable or too costly I have been thinking of leaving my wife. Before I continue, I know I will get A LOT of flack for stating that but I just can’t fathom not having kids and seeing other people have kids. We wanted to have 3 kids but now we can’t even have one. I know this is a very immature and quite honestly shallow mentality but I don’t know what to do or how to handle. I’ve heard that people with low fertility can still get pregnant but I have just been thinking about the possible event that if we cannot and we have tried for over a year or so than I would rather part ways and get married again. Again…I know this is a shallow though but what would you do?
I know of at least 3 couples who are either related to me or friends with me and who were in a similar situation.
Couple 1 (in Pakistan): Didn't conceive for more than 8 years despite trying. Husband was considering a second marriage (without leaving the first wife), but ended up not doing that. They now have 2 daughters and 2 sons, Ma sha Allah.
Couple 2 (also in Pakistan): Didn't conceive for 4 years, but husband never considered leaving or re-marrying. He said, that if there are not kids in their Kismat, so be it. They now have 2 sons and 1 daughter, Ma sha Allah.
Couple 3 (in Europe): Have been married for almost 10 years now. Unfortunately it is quite unlikely that they will ever have kids. However in our circle of friends these two are known as the biggest lovebirds. Them splitting up is the furthest thing from their mind.
please dont do that before going medical treatments at least.
i know a no. of such couples who went through medical treatments and blessed with kids even during first year of treatment.
you should at least give a chance to medical aid
My brother and his wife tried for 5 years to conceive without any success. They saw doctors and underwent some treatment. It took time but they were successful in the end. Now I'm a "Chachoo" of a 10-month nephew who makes a lot of noise when I see him on Skype.
The bottom line is, go for medical treatment. It takes time but medical science can help.
One year of trying is not really a big deal...if you had been trying for 10 years I would understand you wanting to give up but this is nothing. Stick with her and help her through this.
What others have said! Super Shallow ! You marry someone to be with them through thick and think! You can look into adoption, there are so many deserving kids in the world who don't have home. Also, think about her. She must be devastated! Last thing she needs is you leaving...
I understand what you are going through. As you said, it is a shallow thought and I am sure that this is an emotional reaction to the stress this entire process brings with it. My wife and I went through something similar recently. I will share some of my story, it may help you.
We have been married for 7 years. 2 years into our marriage, we found out that we can't have kids the old natural way. I was heart broken but I saw how much more this news had impacted my wife. It was stressful time. She needs you more than anyone else right now. Be with her. Sometimes, it is the stress of not getting pregnant that actually hinders the success of fertility treatments. I am not sure exactly what is the issue with you and your, but patience helps.
I would suggest that you both go on a vacation somewhere nice. Spend some time away from all the stress and the constant reminders of infertility. Relax, change the atmosphere, give her attention and let her give you attention.
PM me if you need someone to talk to. You are not a coward, you are just stressed.
I understand what you are going through. As you said, it is a shallow thought and I am sure that this is an emotional reaction to the stress this entire process brings with it. My wife and I went through something similar recently. I will share some of my story, it may help you.
We have been married for 7 years. 2 years into our marriage, we found out that we can't have kids the old natural way. I was heart broken but I saw how much more this news had impacted my wife. It was stressful time. She needs you more than anyone else right now. Be with her. Sometimes, it is the stress of not getting pregnant that actually hinders the success of fertility treatments. I am not sure exactly what is the issue with you and your, but patience helps.
I would suggest that you both go on a vacation somewhere nice. Spend some time away from all the stress and the constant reminders of infertility. Relax, change the atmosphere, give her attention and let her give you attention.
PM me if you need someone to talk to. You are not a coward, you are just stressed.
Everyone's anger in this thread makes sense. But I am really glad you are offering support to OP. This is no doubt a very difficult time for Lostone1 and you as well. Things can get way worse if we don't have support available. I hope he takes you up on the offer and I hope him and his wife find a way through it. Wishing you and your wife all the strength too.
My wife and I did get through the tough times. It took us 5 years of trying and working on our relationship and this year we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl.. after countless IUIs and 2 IVFs, honestly, I had started to prepare myself and my wife for the reality of not having any kids. But Allah has his plans and we are indeed short-sighted.
I posted this on another forum section of the site
My wife recently had some fertility tests done and they were not good. It turns out our ability to conceive naturally might be difficult or next to impossible. Without going into too much detail my dilemma is basically if we cant go through natural means and going through fertility specialists with IVF/IUI/Donor etc is not achievable or too costly I have been thinking of leaving my wife. Before I continue, I know I will get A LOT of flack for stating that but I just can't fathom not having kids and seeing other people have kids. We wanted to have 3 kids but now we can't even have one. I know this is a very immature and quite honestly shallow mentality but I don't know what to do or how to handle. I've heard that people with low fertility can still get pregnant but I have just been thinking about the possible event that if we cannot and we have tried for over a year or so than I would rather part ways and get married again. Again...I know this is a shallow though but what would you do?
How can you think about leaving her? What about her feelings? Doesn't she want to become a mother? How bad would she feel if you leave her for something she can't change.. Allah is putting you into a test and wants to see what you're gonna do. Why do we get married? To get kids? Nah. We get married to someone because we love them and we want to spend our whole live with that person. We want kids with THEM and only them.. how can you think of marrying someone else.. how would your wife feel? She'll feel so so insecure and bad and lonely.. you need to support her. Why did you marry her in the first place. Do you only see her as a machine that produces children? If yes, ok leave her she's better off without you. But if you don't see her like that than PLEASE support her and be a loving husband. Marriage isn't only about having kids. Oh and one last thing: would your wife leave you, if YOU would be the one having fertility problems? I'm sure she wouldn't. :)
After reading your post, I'm thankful more than ever for my husband who through out our 7 year journey to conceive (multiple miscarriages, several surgeries and procedures for me, and ultimately 2 rounds of IVF followed by a complete hysterectomy), never ONCE doubted or reconsidered his marriage to me...kids or not.
@bitter
There are copious amounts of extenuating circumstances that revolve around my dilemma...my wife and me always argue and when we argue she uses curse words, she doesnt want to move away from her parents even though my own parents rely on me and I want to be flexible in terms of moving for housing and job purposes, she does not compliment me academically or even street smarts; I asked her randomly what is 5*5 and she couldn't answer, now I am suspecting she not only has fertility but also intellectual issues so I asked her random questions and she didn't know basic facts that a 10 year old would know. Even then I continued and realized that she invested and helped me so much but breaking point was when she told me she doesn't care to have kids and started blaming me for everything and that she wants to sit at home and I have to take care of everything A-Z.
I am a pretty lenient person and its not like I am some super smart person but being born and raised in N.A I think there is a litmus of how one should think and act and I can honestly and wholeheartedly say that as many flaws I have, I am willing to work on them; she isn't so call me a f**k up, loser or every god damn word in the dictionary that reflect my actions but unless you know the whole story you shouldn't make assumptions and I take full responsibility because I should have indicated these points in my original post but obviously I was in the wrong.
Life is so short and to live it with someone who literally has every single flaw in the world is not a life worth living and who knows maybe this will bite me in my a** in the future but because this is now affecting my mental and physical health I am backing out before it gets worse.
To me, it sounds like you're disappointed that it won't be easy for you two to have children AND due to that reason, all of her flaws are beginning to look like her faults.
Have you tried fertility drugs? IUI? IVF? If you tried all of these and failed then there is always adoption. I was infertile but very easily conceived two kids through fertility drugs alone. 6 years later when I absolutely did not want kids, I conceived naturally to my absolute shock. This goes to show that the timing of when and the question of how many kids you will have is only in Allah's hands. It's only been one year. Keep trying or consider adoption.
And yes it is very shallow. I was almost inclined to tell you to leave her if this is how you think because she deserves much better. But I am hoping you do the right thing and at least try and stick by her and who knows Allah may bless you both soon.
