INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who
was visiting
Phoenix, Durban South Africa from the U.S. “Recently I was honoured to be
selected
as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at
the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s
table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges (couple of local indians) that the
curry wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Curry # 1: Manoj’s Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh1t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that’s the worst one. These char o’s are crazy.
Curry # 2: Applesamy’s Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure
what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
Curry # 3: Farouk’s Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now,
get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh1t-faced
from all the beer.
4: Barbu’s Black Magic curry
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no
spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it,
is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. beach is starting
to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is curry an
aphrodisiac?
Curry # 5: Laveshnee’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded
beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I
wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pees me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming. Stuff those charo’s!
Curry # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh1t myself when I farted
and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined
to stand behind me except that s**t Savathree, she must be kinkier
than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my bum with
a snow cone!
Curry # 7: Sugash’s Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a f-ing thing. I’ve lost the sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava-like sh1t to match my dam shirt. At least
during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop
breathing, it’s too painful. F**k it, I’m not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in
my stomach.
Curry # 8: Hansraj’s Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO:
This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a
really hot curry? FRANK: --------------(editor’s note: Judge #3 was
unable to report)
…
