Driving
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to
drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are
applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a
vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate
within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results
to your insurance company.
The hints are as follows:
Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is “both”.
Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In
that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by
occupying the next available gap, as in chess.
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Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed.
Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. -
Most drivers don’t drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended
direction. Don’t you get discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except
for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better
position. -
Don’t stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to
cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.
Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is
moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because some minister is in
town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk
ill of the dead. -
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We
horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two
brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the
bazaar. -
Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them
during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister’s motorcade, or
waiting for the rainwaters to recede when overground traffic meets
underground drainage. -
Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for
those with the mental makeup of Genghis khan). In a way, it is like
playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers
is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be
a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly
into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. -
Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders.
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Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing
in the truck is the driver, and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at
the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a
naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to
kill. -
Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet
above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching
you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right
one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point
posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
During the daytime,trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will
never show any signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they
are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that
sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically.
This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The
waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day.
Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored
lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated
bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at
breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with
success.
Unique to Indian traffic Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi)
The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this
three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on
a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries
iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and
dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations,
children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some
children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all.
Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so
those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent
damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and
also learn Newton’s laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw
drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are
licensed to irritate.
Mopeds
The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an
electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at
break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride,
the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would
rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often
“mopped” off the tarmac.