Hi everyone,
My brother-in-law (husband’s brother) recently got married and I’m really upset about a particular incident that happened a few days after the wedding. I need some advice on what to do.
First, a little background (it’s long!):
My BIL’s recently got married. His wife and I were close friends before even my husband and I got married, and on our wedding she gave me a nice gold ring (worth about $250) and my husband a nice coat. When her and my BIL’s wedding was finalized, I instantly became preoccupied about what to get them. The wedding was going be held in Pak, as that is where my in-laws live. My in-laws are going through a rough financial time; my FIL is gravely, terminally ill and his treatment has drained a lot of the family’s expenses. My husband and I contributed to the wedding costs quite a bit, sending about $17,000 for the wedding expenses out of our student loan money (we are still grad students) In addition to this, I wanted to get her a nice gift because she’s been such a good friend to me over the years, and because she gave me such a nice gift on my own wedding. I was thinking of a gold bracelet, even though it’s way out of our price range and gold has gotten so expensive since I got married. My husband, MIL, and BIL insisted that I not get her anything. They were mindful of our financial situation and would rather we use the money to contribute to the wedding. So instead of buying one nice, huge gift, I bought her some nice smaller gifts. The in-laws also got her a bari, so I just added my items to that. Mind you, I still agonized over this and kept going back and forth about whether this was ‘enough’, but I figured that since I had spent so much on making her actual wedding nice, things would work out fine. I assumed that she would have some idea about the financial situation of my in-laws and my husband and I, and that my BIL would have discussed these things with her. Unfortunately, everyone in my in-laws is pretty formal with one another, and they don’t discuss money issues openly (at least not with the bahus). So not everybody knows who is paying for stuff.
I flew to Pak for the wedding. A day or two after the wedding, I could tell things were not fine. My SIL seemed disappointed with her bari and with the gifts she had gotten. Then, she actually confronted me about how little I had given her on her wedding.** She told me flat out that it was my duty to give her more than I had given her, and that she was disappointed.** I just blanked and didn’t say anything, I think I mumbled something and turned away. I was in shock. I was also hurt, humiliated, and angry. It’s clear to me that she has no idea how much money my husband and I have spent on her wedding, and I’m not sure she would care even if she did know. I think she would still think I should have gotten her a nicer gift. I’m also too embarrassed to tell her that I spent money on her wedding, because I think it’s kind of a cheap thing to say, and I wouldn’t even know how to start that convo (I’m very non-confrontational).
I am so pissed off at my husband, my in-laws, my BIL, and my SIL. I’m pissed off at my husband, MIL, and BIL for talking me out of buying a nicer gift, I’m pissed at my SIL for acting like such a selfish *, and I’m pissed off at myself for not trusting my instincts. Honestly, I would much rather spend more money then be embarrassed like that. I want to just buy her a gift and throw it in her face, but I’m not sure that would put me in her good graces. Also, I never bought my nanaan anything after my wedding as my family didn’t give my in-laws any gold gifts, however my nanaan gifted me with a gold set. So, I’m kind of ‘in the red’ with my nanaan. If I buy my devraani a gold jewelry item, I’m afraid my nanaan will get pissed off that I’ve never bought her anything. That means I would have to get at least two sets of the exact same thing.
So: What should I do? Should I just pretend like I didn’t hear anything and wait for the next chance to buy my devraani a gift? Should I just buy something now and pretend like it was at the jeweler’s this entire time? How stupid/rude was it of me to not get her a nice, proper gift? Am I in the wrong or is she? Or is it everybody’s fault for their lack of communication and sensitivity?