A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away to. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.
When they got to the doctor’s office, the man lifted his wife’s coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Well, yes,” the doctor replied, “but never framed.”
Sam has been a stock broker for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 10 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded and burly Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from two miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday at 7... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years on Wall Street, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn," Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet
spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
