In Praise of Older Women
In praise of older women (which in our society
means over 25):
An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and
nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the
same hat will always look like a lampshade in a
brothel.
An older woman will never wake you up in the
middle of the night to ask you, ‘What are you
thinking?’ An older woman doesn’t care what you
think.
An older woman always carries a purse full of
emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and
bleed to death every time there’s a natural
disaster.
An older woman always carries a condom in her
purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy
might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman
will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will
sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during
the day without looking like she just had an
adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of
younger women or drag queens.
Older women can run faster because they’re always
wearing sensible shoes.
An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is
almost always already attached to someone, so
there’s no need to develop a phobia about
committing to her. The last thing she needs in her
life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
Older women are more honest. An older woman will
tell you that you are an XXXXXXX if you’re acting
like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in
case it means you might break up with her. An
older woman puts herself on a pedestal.
If you act immature enough and hang around long
enough, an older woman will just mistake you for
another one of her children and let you live at
her house rent-free. Older women can afford to
support you.
An older woman will never get pregnant and then
suddenly demand that the two of you get married.
In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you
will probably be the last to know…
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger
women can’t help you when your teeth get knocked
out playing hockey.
An older woman will never accuse you of ‘using
her.’ She’s using you.
Older women take charge of the situation. An older
woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A
younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for
you to call…
Older woman know how to cook. Young women know
how to dial 967-1111.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her
girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her
girlfriends when she’s with you, in case you get
any ideas…
Older women are psychic. You never have to
confess to having an affair, because somehow
they always know.
Older woman often own an interesting collection
of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers
over the years. Young women often don’t wear
underpants at all, thus practically eliminating
all possibility of a strip-tease.
An older woman will agree to go to McDonald’s
with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous
to eat anything in front of somebody that they
might possibly burp later.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having
a screaming match with you in the middle of the
night in a public park.
Older women are experienced. They understand that
sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can’t get it
up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp
this fact.
An older woman has lots of girlfriends… and most
of them will want to boff you too.
An older woman will always meet the minimum height
requirement to go on an amusement ride.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing
the best years of her youth because chances are
someone else has stolen them first.
“even if u r not hungry just be greedy”