In Laws First Visit- please help!

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Salams guppies, another post, another request for more information, help and advice!

Potential in-laws (inshallah) coming to meet with my family on the weekend. The guy and I have already done our istikharas and want to go ahead with shadi inshallah, so this is just part 1 of the formalities. Anyway, here’s the thing- my mother passed away when I was young and my dad moved to a different country and got remarried. Me and my siblings were left to our eldest sister to bring up. His family is your standard 2:3 family, mashallah.

My eldest sister’s house is being renovated and so we’ve decided to host them at my cousin’s (who is like a big baji) house. Although I’d have preferred it at my actual sisters house, it’s not possible.

So, what’s the done thing? They visit- What do we do? Welcome, sit, chit chat and then food? They’ll be driving a long way to my cousins. What is the order of events? When do I come in or am I already there? Do I talk openly and freely or play the shy, demure girl (which I’m not!)? Do I ask questions? I’m already feeling quite nervous and when I’m nervous, I laugh like a pagal. How do I keep my nerves under control? What questions do my elders ask seeing as though this is their first meeting? Do we bring in formal talk about the wedding or do they? What should we make to eat- how much is appropriate at this stage?

What do I wear?

Argh, this is all so scary and confusing.

Please help with any suggestions, opinions or your own personal stories. Serious replies only though as sarcasm will really thrown me off the edge ATM!

I feel completely lost.

Ps. I think after this, they’ll invite us to their house- am I right?

2

Re: In Laws First Visit- please help!

Well....wear a normal, erring on simple shalwar kameez (lil bit of simple jewelry and makeup is OK) and cook like you would for any guest coming over since I doubt they're coming a long way for just snacks. Just make sure the food tastes good and you look good.

typically the elders (in your case your sister and cousin) would initiate any talks about the wedding, not you. I would try to be serious and pay attention to what's going on....listen and absorb what's going on, more than try to be a part of the conversation.

Just curious, Is this a love-turned-arranged thing? Do they know about your family background?

As for what to say, how to behave.....I'll leave that for everyone else to answer. Good luck!

3

Re: In Laws First Visit- please help!

Your elder sister and cousin, are both of them unmarried?

Has the guy already explained to his parents your situation? As in why your parents are not present at this meeting and why the meeting is not being held in your sister's home?

4

In Laws First Visit- please help!

Hi Sara, thanks for your reply. We've met a handful of times and then did our istikharahs which indicated we should take things further. This parents meeting is part 1 of that process. I am so nervous. I cannot tell you. He knows what my situation is as do his parents. I think they were initially a bit worried as I don't fall into the 'normal' Asian girl from a 'normal' Asian family but they're still willing to come over, inshallah. I definitely won't be asking any questions but will be listening very intently- I just wish I can hold my nerve long enough to portray a good image before have a wave of it washes through me and I burst out laughing very loudly to control it (that's happened before)!

I suppose because we're not a typical family, I'm worried they're going to come in with their own judgements and prejudices and I really want to do everything in my power to show that we are a friendly, welcoming and happy family- no matter what Allah SWT in store for us. That and the fact that he will be in the room too. That's going to make me feel really nervous and on the spot.

What about sequence of events and times. How would that work? How long do they sit before being offered chai/pani and snacks and when do they get the main food?

Also, do my side stay silent and wait to discuss shadi things when we get invited to theirs (inshallah)?

I've not been sleeping very well since I've met him and so look a mess- dark circles and puffy eyes and my skin's playing up. I haven't got a clue how to cover all that up AND look natural! I was thinking of wearing a white chikan frock with chooridar- is that too plain?

5

Hi Paheli,

Yes, they're married. His family is aware of my family situation but not the ins and outs about anything. Unfortunately, my brothers in law have always taken liberties because there hasn't been a grown up to keep them in check so my sisters have had hard marriages. So, my family and well-wishers include my sisters and cousin only. I'm a bit embarrassed about this as there will only be women present when him, his dad and mum come :(

6

Re: In Laws First Visit- please help!

Are your sisters divorced?

The outfit sounds nice, jazz it up with a few accessories, light earrings/bracelets/rings....

A little bit of sheer makeup doesn't hurt but dont' cake it on to cover up "flaws." Chances are the imperfections look magnified in your mind but may not even be noticeable.

as for food, normally at the davats I go to, the main food is served within an hour (except for the rare ones..or wedding events), and chai/dessert is afterwards. I'm not sure if the sequence is different in a rishta setting. Although when my baat pakki happened/met teh guy, the talking part was about 2 hours long before the food was prepared/served.

If you're nervous about being in the same rom, you could be in the kitchen, preparing/helping clean up (Or atl east look like you are?)

7

Not divorced but what it means is that at events like this, the BILs completely withdraw and leave us to it. So, we're on our without a male presence. It's a bit of a diss in front of potential in laws (inshallah) but better they know the real us than we portray an alternative imagine and they find out the truth later. The boy is aware of all this. I just don't want the MIL and FIL to hold it against us/me.

8

Re: In Laws First Visit- please help!

A lot of the questions you're asking in terms of when you should come out, what to wear, how to act, who brings up the wedding etc…….your elder sister and cousin should know these since they're married. Every family does things a little different so you really should talk about these things with your sister and cousin b/c (1) They have already gone through this; (2) They're the ones who are hosting this meeting and acting as your guardians.

Make sure the guy tells his parents the following 3 things which will answer many questions the parents may have inside their head:
1) Your mother passed away
2) You dad re-married and lives in another country
3) You sister's house is currently being renovated and that's why your cousin's house is used to host this party.

I do think its weird that 0 men will be present b/c the guy's dad is coming….and b/c both your sister and cousin do have husbands. Can you guys not have 1 guy there? Either the cousin's husband OR your sister's husband? And sit down and seriously explain to them why its important that they speak with the guy's father during this meeting? Or there is not ANY other male from your side of the family who can be present…a male cousin, uncle etc?

BTW, you should also find out from the guy what his parent's personalities are like. Are they conservative? Liberal? Over the years, the guy must have heard his parents….at least his mother….make comments about other girls. Does she like girls who are social? Or does she think girls's should stay quiet and not talk much? What are their hobbies/interests? Finding out a bit about the guy's parents personalities and likes/dislikes should give your side a good idea on what topics will generate a lot of comments which will help in preventing awkwardness.

9

Re: In Laws First Visit- please help!

Yes, the protocol is the next invitation is being sent to you by the guy's side.

No need to be nervous, they're just another family like yours. The more you panic, the more reason you will give someone to panic.

10

Re: In Laws First Visit- please help!

It all depends on what kind of show you want to put on, how are your relations with the guy and his folks.

11

Re: In Laws First Visit- please help!

I think asking the guy more about his parents, their likes and dislikes will really help.
Is your father still a part of your life? I understand that he's remarried and lives far away but for future functions or get togethers.. would he be a part of it?

If your future in-laws are friendly, liberal people then I wouldn't worry too much. Obviously don't over share or anything until you've figured them out but it honestly depends on their personalities. Everyone's in-laws are different. I would get all this info from the guy so you'll have a rough idea of their likes and dislikes. Maybe even find out if they have any particular foods they like or dislike? It'll give you some ideas on terms of food choices and also if there's anything you shouldn't cook. I use to do this a lot when I was newly married and visiting my in-laws. I always asked my husband what they liked in terms of foods, their hobbies and what they enjoyed talking about, etc. It can be helpful to even start up a conversation with someone.

Dress in a nice simple shalwar kameez. Minimal jewelry and simple makeup should be good. I would definitely try to get a male family member there, just so the father doesn't feel awkward around so many ladies. I think maybe talk to your BILs? or any other male cousins or friends of the family who wouldn't mind coming over to help break the ice. I personally wouldn't jump on any marriage talks but wait for them to make the first move, only because you don't want to push them or make it seem as if you're desperate. I'm sure if all goes well and first impressions are good they will definitely bring it up themselves.

12

Re: In Laws First Visit- please help!

I think it will help having a male from your side.

13

Re: In Laws First Visit- please help!

.

14

In Laws First Visit- please help!

Thank you ALL from the bottom of my heart for all your suggestions and advice- love you for it, it's really helped :)

My BILs will come but I'll never hear the end of it. Plus one is stubborn and arrogant and will make the in-laws (inshallah) feel uncomfortable and the other will try to show me and my sisters up (he has serious issues), so it's better we leave them out. My dad lives abroad but my sisters have deliberately not told him because he's a panicker and will catch the first flight over and will see too much into the situation and panic us all at the same time. We want to wait and tell him once we get a return invite to theirs (inshallah).

Although I'm losing sleep over it, I think the thing that's come out if everyone's responses has been to relax and not look too deeply into what may/may not happen on Saturday. It's just a visit to my side to see what we're like. We just have to be our normal selves and not worry. Inshallah.

15

I've never met his parents. I've hardly met him (4 times)! We've had lots of chats and have mutual friends in common who introduced us, alhamdulillah.

In a way, I don't want to find out too much about his folks from him as I want to get to know them myself when I meet them and don't want to carry too much in my head as that'll panic me and I'll be going OTT thinking about what to/not to talk about.

16

Unfortunately, the males on our side are not worth their weight in salt :( I only have my sisters (one cousin) and their husbands in this country. The rest of our cousins and relatives live in Pakistan.

17

Re: In Laws First Visit- please help!

If you/your elder sister/cousin have already decided that you will not have either of the husband's there.....then that's your choice. But in that case, make sure you guys have a good explanation as to why neither of the husbands are present during the Saturday meeting.......b/c I can't imagine his parents not asking where the men are.

18

If you/your elder sister/cousin have already decided that you will not have either of the husband's there.....then that's your choice. But in that case, make sure you guys have a good explanation as to why neither of the husbands are present during the Saturday meeting.......b/c I can't imagine his parents not asking where the men are.
[/QUOTE]

How can we put that across in a Desi-friendly way with coming across as losers?

19

Re: In Laws First Visit- please help!

Honestly, I have no idea. :confused: The issue here is not his parents thinking you guys are losers…..its them thinking that you guys are hiding/lying something something. As mentioned earlier, its really weird not to have ANY males present when you know that the guy and his dad are coming. Especially since both your sister and cousin are actually married (it would be different if they were divorced or widowed in your situation). They are coming on a Saturday. Unless both your BIL and cousin’s husband have hourly jobs where its logical for both of them to work on a Saturday……I really dunno what excuse will reasonably explain BOTH of their absences without it coming across as a red flag.

20

Hmmm, you're right. I think my sisters just thought they'd say our husbands couldn't come because of xyz but I hadn't even thought that them not being there would look a little dodgy :( inshallah, I pray all goes well. I'm getting nervous again :(