In-Law Relations Before Marriage

[KashmiriRainDrops]

I’m just curious as to wot the couple is expected to do or say before they actually get married in Pakistani culture…So to all the married/engaged/once married guppers out there, can u please tell me:

 1) Are u expected to phone ur future in-laws to say Salam? If so, how often shud u ring them up?

2. If u live close by, r u supposed to visit them regularly? And if so, can u go visit for example, ur sister-in-law by urself or shud u go with one of ur siblings/parents?

3. If someone in ur fiance/fiancee’s family is ill and in the hospital, shud u call them or can u just convey ur love and wishes thru someone else, like ur own Mum (if arranged marriage) or ur fiance/fiancee (if love marriage)?

I’ve noticed that my cousins in Pakistan who got engaged and married several months later, had no communication with their future in-laws on the telephone…and if they went to visit each other, then yea they wud all talk amongst themselves…

But in Europe and America, i’ve seen that some families expect their future daughter-in-law or son-in-law to phone them to ask how they r etc…and the sister-in-law or brother-in-law sometimes want to “hang out” with u and their kids want to spend time with u, during the engagement or nikkah periods (before rukhsati)…to me it seems a little odd…i personally don’t feel that comfortable talking to my future in-laws but feel i will open up fine, after the wedding.

 Wot do u guys think about this? Does this vary for different families or is there an expected "norm" in our culture?

[blushing_vision]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

1) Yes one is expected to give them a buzz once in a while... once every 7-12 days should do if they live in the same city.

2) Visiting is their job if u're the bride! And if you go then with ure parents :)

3) You should call them directly and if u want, also send a get well soon card!

In my case (love marriage) i used to talk 2 them and also called up my Father in law when he was ill in hospital...

[cat-woman]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

^ what if you're socially inept and are absolutely frightened of them?

[mAd_ScIeNtIsT]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

My sister-in-law rarely spoke to my parents during her 2-year arranged engagement to my brother, though she spoke with him on an almost daily basis. She spoke to my parents about once a month or less. Then again, my parents were in the UK and she was in Pakistan.

When my mother went to Pakistan on holiday my sister-in-law spoke to her on the phone more often.

[blushing_vision]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

if u're scared of them then you should seek ure mom's help or talk to ure husband about your feelings, he'll ensure u that u dont have 2 be scared of them.

[Sadaf]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

when i got engaged, i used to give them a ring every once in a while but not often… Albatah, my mother and sister in law, used to call after every day or two.. As they have to keep me updated about the saadi ki tayari And i talked to my hubby-to-be (at that time) everyday for hours.

and i didnt go to their place before marriage, halanke my family visited them quite often.

And if there is someone ill at ur inlaws, give them a call and ask their haal chaal.. warna saari zindagi ka rona ke “US ne mujhay poocha hi nahin” which depends on the TYPE of your inlaws Magar if they and your family are liberal minded there is no harm in going but with your parents not alone.

But one thing, if your’e calling them make it a short call.

[KashmiriRainDrops]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

Thank you all for replying…
**
blushing_vision **Wow, once every week to fortnite seems like a lot to me lolz! Yea they shud be visiting the bride but actually in my situation, they live in another state from me (about 1,600 miles away) so yea, visiting won’t be a problem And see, i don’t mind sending a card at all…cos i’m more of a written person than a verbal one anway…but i think a lot of older Asians find it insulting if that’s all that u do…yea mine is a love marriage too, and i did call up his Mum, when she was in the hospital several times…even sent her a bouquet of flowers on Mother’s Day…but she was in the hospitals for months and months unfortunately, so i felt the need to phone her…i dunno, i don’t feel as comfy with the Dad (maybe cos i’m not close to my own Dad) I am a tiny bit scared, not necessarily of them, i duno how to explain it…but i have told him and of course he reassures me that they’re cool and won’t bite me lolz…but it’s just so hard for me i guess cos i’m a quiet person. And my Mum has helped me, she says that if she is talking to one of them, then if they ask about me, she will pass the phone to me…rather than me having to ring them up on my own…but i’m not always at home when they talk, so it can be hard in that sense.
**
cat-woman **Lolz! Neither, but just a little scared, cos after all i haven’t spent that much time with them…and i guess i’m just the type who takes a while before i can open up and talk to u
**
mad_scientist **See that makes sense, BUT it was arranged…sometimes i feel like i’m being punished cos i have a love one…and plus, i know if i was sitting in Lahore rite now, this wudn’t even be a question…i have seen with my own eyes, that there is very little communication with the daughter-to-be, before the wedding…i dunno if it’s bcos it’s gonna be 2yrs before our wedding or cos it’s long distance btwn us or cos we’re abroad or even cos it’s not arranaged…all i know is that this pressure is driving me mad!
**
Sadaf *I know excatly wot u mean…but we r nowhere close (nor have been) to plan for the shaadi…so my parents and his parents barely talk as it is…now, his Sister lives near us and so my Mum and her are phoning each other probably every week…they seem to get along which is good (plus my Mum, God bless her, is very friendly and everyone loves to talk to her)…but yes, it’s this thing that worries me about how if i don’t call them, then later i will have to hear s…but my fiance reassures me that they r not like that…my view is that bcos i have to live with them after the wedding, that i have my entire marriage to talk and get to know these ppl…so i don’t like being pressured into stuff, i just think it’s too early for *me *to be talking to them…but i think it’s ok if the families get to know each other…and yea, my Mum doesn’t want me to go to my future Sister-in-law’s house without her or someone from our family…but wot’s strange is that she always wants to “chill” with me…and i know in my heart, this doesn’t seem like a good idea, plus my Mum wudn’t want me to…so i duno, i’m not even married yet, and there’s so much pressure to do this or that, or act like this or that

Well, let’s see wot happens…i appreciate all of ur input…and u know, about 2 weeks ago the Sis phoned me, wanting me to come with her and her kids to a movie…i told her lemme ask Mum and she said she can come too…i told her, na my Mum won’t go to English movies, but i cud bring my lil’ Bro…well anyway, she is supposed to be calling me back anyday now…but the truth is…in these circumstances (cos of the earthquake) i don’t feel like going out and having fun…and to my surprise she didn’t even mention wot was going on in Pakistan (even though she was born n raised there) Whilst my Mum was surprised that she asked me in Ramadan! Lol, sorry if u think i’m rambling on about petty stuff, i’m just confused about the whole Pakistani pre-wedding crap May God help me!

[cat-woman]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

^ perfectly valid question, something for single girls to think about. Thanks kashmiriraindrops, and good luck, you seem like a nice person, so in-laws shouldn't be a worry for you :)

[Sadaf]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

Even when your fiance assures you that his family wont think like this or that.... EVEN then you have to be extra careful. Because for the guys they dont know the inner politics.. its only when you get married and live with you inlaws you get to know more about them and your husband will find out a lot of things about his family himself, which he thought never existed.

[cat-woman]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

^ that's just scary.

[sweetdreams]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

well..as sadaf said make it short..i mean do ask their hal chaal atleast every after two days and if they liv in the same city send em khna at weekends.. ( not every weekend) but atleast once in amonth..u know this relly helps building up relationships..they tnk u care abt em..and they thnk ure so concerned ke acha khana pakanay par bhi unko yaad rakhtay hain
also offer help wen they are shifting or if they hav sum function or dawat at their place..avoid talking bt othas...
bcz
"wat u tell me abt aristotle, tells me less abt aristotle and more abt urself"

[ShiNoO]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

Well in my case I don't have in-laws to 'worry' about. My fiancee lives with his brother and doesn't have parents. He does however have a strong connection with his direct family and I consider them as my in-laws. I call them every few days to check if everything is ok. I'm up-to date all the time anywayz, cuz we speak to eachother a few hours a day, so I always know what's going on with everyone. But still, it's always appreciated when you call someone, even if you don't really have a reason to.
For him it's different though. I'm very close to my parents and siblings and thank god he knows that he has to call my mum every now and then and have a chat with her. My mum loves that and he really feels good about it himself. Fortunately he doesnt see it as a 'burden' because he WANTS to be close to my family (he missed out in his childhood)
I really think that once you are married and live together (joined family or not) you will find out how often to call them/ see them. Your whole life will be changed, this is just something you will have to 'deal' with, along with everything else.

I must say that it was a really hard thing for me to learn. I'm not a social/talkative person. My mum on the other hand can talk to anyone and everyone. I guess she sort of tought me how to be 'social' :-)

[KashmiriRainDrops]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

cat-woman Thank you:flower2:But i hope we’re not scaring off the single girls lol!

   **Sadaf**  Yea that is scary! Thanks for the advice :)
   
   **sweetdreams**  Every 2 days! Wow, i really can't see myself doing that :bummer: And, i don't live anywhere near my fiance's parents but lol, i think even my Mum wud laugh at the idea of taking food over to their place! :D And hey, can't i show them how much i care about them after the bloody wedding!? I mean y is it such a big deal :mad: But thanks for ur reply :blush:
   
   **Shinoo** Wot's his "direct family" exactly...Well that's good for u i guess, but wasn't he happy to get close to ur parents, since he lost his :( Yea i agree, after getting married my whole life will change, and that's when i'll see everyone's true colours haha! That's y i don't wanna get involved before-hand...and before we know it, the wedding will come and go, and then these matters will be going on every day of my life...It's really hard for me too, but i guess with time i will learn...it's the same way with my Mum...and she says that she was like me before she got married, but that time and circumstances and marriage changes ppl (usually for the better)...in our culture i've noticed ppl always talk about getting married in a negative sense, but i'm trying to be positive about stuff, but i just don't wanna be talking to them *before* the wedding that's all, call me anti-social or old-fashioned hehe! But i know as the day comes closer, i will be talking to them more and more, so i just wish there's wasn't this vibe around me, pressuring me to be someone i am not ready to be yet...Thanks for ur advice too :)

[cat-woman]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

lol, I am a single girl, and you are scaring me! hehe just kidding :)

[lollypop_man]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

why would someone be scared to call future inlaws...? i mean if you are about to get married i would think u would want to call and talk as much as you can before u get married.... unless u r socially challenged in which case talking to the inlaws is the least of ur problems.

[KashmiriRainDrops]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

**why would someone be scared to call future inlaws...?

  **Not everyone has the personality to be totally open and talkative to complete strangers...or maybe they have given u a reason to...different for everyone...
  **

i mean if you are about to get married i would think u would want to call and talk as much as you can before u get married....

  **Well u thought wrong, cos obviously some of us don't want to talk to our future in-laws *"as much as you can before u get married"* LOL! I need as much time as possible away from them, cos after the wedding i will be WITH THEM 24/7 almost!
  **
  unless u r socially challenged in which case talking to the inlaws is the least of ur problems.

  **And no...no problems there, if i had problems like that then i wud be getting an arranged marriage, cos i wudn't be able to go out and get my own man lolz...everyone has something there afraid to do...at least i have the guts to say wot my problem is...and at least mine is something that will ease away with one-on-one time with them after the wedding.

[lollypop_man]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

kashmirraindrops, my post was meant for cat-woman. but after readign this thread again... i do have some comments for you. you seem quite apprehensive about ur future inlaws. ur future inlaws are like a big bad monster for you that you have cooked up in your head. when you should think of them as normal human beings who are afterall giving you enough respect by giving you the permission and goahead to marry their son.

stuff like what you wrote below is coming out of fear of the unknown. so the best way to deal with it is to uncover the unknown. do find out what your inlaws are all about before hand ie. before its too late after marriage. chances are your life will be pretty similar to the life lived by your inlaws.

"Yea i agree, after getting married my whole life will change, and that's when i'll see everyone's true colours haha! That's y i don't wanna get involved before-hand"

[KashmiriRainDrops]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

@lollypop_man

kashmirraindrops, my post was meant for cat-woman. but after readign this thread again… i do have some comments for you. you seem quite apprehensive about ur future inlaws. ur future inlaws are like a big bad monster for you that you have cooked up in your head. when you should think of them as normal human beings who are afterall giving you enough respect by giving you the permission and goahead to marry their son.

stuff like what you wrote below is coming out of fear of the unknown. so the best way to deal with it is to uncover the unknown. do find out what your inlaws are all about before hand ie. before its too late after marriage. chances are your life will be pretty similar to the life lived by your inlaws.

“Yea i agree, after getting married my whole life will change, and that’s when i’ll see everyone’s true colours haha! That’s y i don’t wanna get involved before-hand”

Yea but i feel like in love marriages parents don’t give u permission n all that…cos i think they just accept it and see they have no choice if they want there to be peace between them and for the sake of letting their child be happy…and yes i know i shud probably uncover the unknown, but it’s easier said than done…and the thing about them not being that bad n all, is all fine and dandy, it’s just that i feel FOR ME, it will be more natural after the wedding…as far as finding out wot they r like before it’s too late…i mean wot can i do with the info i find out anyway?..i mean they r who they r…and i know all about them from my fiance and any issues (like in all families) that they have…i know that my married life is gona be very hard for me esp. in the start…as the situation is totally different (lifestyle wise)…so i guess this is my way of avoiding “reality” and trying to have some peace before the wedding starts…but thanks for ur input, ur probably rite…i’m stubborn i guess

[cat-woman]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

lollypop_man, naturally any girl would be slightly nervous about meeting her inlaws, after all they are your husbands parents and what they think of you matters a great deal. Unless you're 150% confident and self-assured, it's something most women would go through. I'm quite a confident person myself.

[sadzzz]

Re: In-Law Relations Before Marriage

not everyones the same... not all inlaws are the same...

treat ur inlaws as humans and give them more respect than u'd give your own parents, and things will be quite fine.. :)

misunderstandings and crap happen.. but you've got to look past that and tell yourself that only you yourself can make things better.. dont rely on others to fix your problem(s)

as for calling your inlaws... thats not a bad idea.. its actually sweet. And theres no harm for a girl to call her fiances parents or siblings.. its nice.. you're becoming a part of their family, so why not be as natural as u want?

i used to be a real wimp in the beginning about talking to my inlaws.. i guess everyone just scares you about what they're going to be like, but you've really gotta get past that and just tell yourself that its not as bad as everyone makes it out to be..

my SIL and BIL live here.. so its pretty cool.. i used to email my SIL pretty much everyday.. that was always fun... past few weeks though have been really busy for both of us, so it hasnt happened as much.. but nonetheless i reckon we still have a cool relationship, Alhamdulillah..

havent had a lot of time to spend with my MIL but she's really sweet regardless.. im still getting to know her and Inshallah once I go back to paki, things will be a lot different.