I’m an ABCD, and in mid20s. At this age, all the aunties are looking for rishtas. The only problem is my urdu - my urdu is so bad that I have a major american accent whilst speaking urdu. It has gotten to the point where I’m thinking about how to say something in urdu and don’t say anything at all because I don’t know how to say it properly. I’m normally a very conversational and chatty person - but in English. It is much harder in urdu because I mix up words or it sounds silly. I have everything a potential wife should have, except my urdu is so bad I think no one will consider me because they think I’m overly “americanized.” The problem is that I went to a university far away from home and was surrounded by English all the time. I speak urdu to my parents, but not my siblings. I can carry a conversation in urdu, but it is SO awkward! I’m scared the language barrier will reduce my marriage chances. I want to be better at urdu and actively trying speaking it as much as possible, but my accent is so bad..and I do not want my future kids to speak like I do…
Also, do you communicate with your spouse in english or urdu?
Re: I'm stereotyped by others as being shy, but only because of a language barrier!
I have a sort of similar problem. My Urdu accent is ok but I can't say an entire sentence without adding some English words in between. When among aunties that only speak Urdu I try harder not to add English words in between but then it ends up being a big mess because I either can't think of the right "Urdu" word quick enough or stumble upon my words because I am not articulate in Urdu the way I am in English. So I often just get frustrated and start speaking to them in English after a while because I can't carry a conversation long enough in Urdu! Ugggh! No, my spouse is only slightly better at speaking Urdu than I am. We CBCDs speak in English.
My bro in law had same issue..he was born and grew up here..still have accent. And beside..ladies..it doesnt matter..we can all speak english and urdu. Ya should be more concern about other things...dont ya think? If a girl spoke english with my mom..my mom doesnt care..and I am sure there are families like that..who can appreciate you as who u are..rather than language being an issue.
Re: I'm stereotyped by others as being shy, but only because of a language barrier!
Yep I have the same issue, my Urdu is real bad as well. My mums tried real hard to teach me and my sister speaks it fine but I just cant get the hang of it so I just leave it. So what I do is make clear to potential rishtai right at the start that listen I cant speak Urdu, if that's gonna be a problem I suggest we just move on and find someone else. I can speak Punjabi fine tho so mostly not speaking in Urdu has not been too much of a problem as long as I can speak a language that their mums can understand its fine. :)
Re: I'm stereotyped by others as being shy, but only because of a language barrier!
I'm an ABCD, and in mid20s. At this age, all the aunties are looking for rishtas. The only problem is my urdu - my urdu is so bad that I have a major american accent whilst speaking urdu. It has gotten to the point where I'm thinking about how to say something in urdu and don't say anything at all because I don't know how to say it properly. I'm normally a very conversational and chatty person - but in English. It is much harder in urdu because I mix up words or it sounds silly. I have everything a potential wife should have, except my urdu is so bad I think no one will consider me because they think I'm overly "americanized." The problem is that I went to a university far away from home and was surrounded by English all the time. I speak urdu to my parents, but not my siblings. I can carry a conversation in urdu, but it is SO awkward! I'm scared the language barrier will reduce my marriage chances. I want to be better at urdu and actively trying speaking it as much as possible, but my accent is so bad..and I do not want my future kids to speak like I do...
Also, do you communicate with your spouse in english or urdu?
My husband is an ABCD and I was born and raised in the middle east. When we spoke for the first time before getting married, my MIL was quite impressed with my spoken Urdu and husband complimented my English. He told me that of all the girls he had spoken to for rishta purpose, my English was much better comparatively. So I guess he found comfortable talking to me, there were no communication issues so we got along really well and finally got married! :) We have been married for 3 years mashaAllah and his Urdu has improved a lot being with me coz we speak a mix of English/Urdu at home. Although it might not apply to every person/family but I have noticed that those who have been raised in the middle east are good at both languages coz like me most of my classmates can not only speak but even read and write Urdu. Private schools in the middle east which most expatriate kids attend, are taught only in English and they have an option to choose to learn a second language which could be Hindi, Urdu, French or Arabic and that's why my Urdu is not that bad. So I think if you look for rishtas in the middle east Pakistani communities, u might find someone who can communicate with you at your level. Communication is v.imp when it comes to such imp decisions in life and you will be motivated to talk to the one you feel comfortable with.
Re: I'm stereotyped by others as being shy, but only because of a language barrier!
I've found that language is not a barrier between spouses as long as they are willing to work out communications logistics together. At least 5 couples I know don't speak the same language, but they speak to each other in English or Hindi and get by just fine. Communicating with the spouse's family (esp. the older generation) is a bigger issue - you may feel left out or be excluded from gatherings because you can't communicate with them.
On the positive side, it looks like you already know Urdu, but you just need to work on your accent. That is much better than learning a language from scratch. Keep practising with your parents and friends. While looking for rishtas, try to search for families who are reasonably comfortable speaking English (or any other language you speak well).
While common language is certainly not a deal-breaker, it does make it easier to build relationships with in-laws, especially in the early years of marriage.
Re: I'm stereotyped by others as being shy, but only because of a language barrier!
What exactly are communication logistics
Well, basically identify a language that both are reasonably comfortable in. Work on improving other languages. Figure out a good way of keeping in touch with each other's families. For example, my friend learnt a few basic conversational phrases to talk to her husband's grandmother who does not speak English. Meant the world to the grandmom, and to her own husband as well.
If there are kids involved, teach them both parents' languages so they are able to communicate with both families.
Re: I'm stereotyped by others as being shy, but only because of a language barrier!
My urdu was bad too but after living with inlaws, it got better. I still can't avoid using english words in sentences but PILs like that b/c they say they get to learn english. Hubby and I speak the language people around us do not understand. If we are in front of inlaws, we speak in english. Around other friends, who do not know urdu, we speak in urdu.. its just done subconsciously.
Alone, we talk to each other in a little bit of both.
My ex girlfriend was not good at speaking urdu..she was complete ABCD. Yet I spoke english and urdu...whereas..she spoke American..but understood urdu.