My husband went to a Halloween party Saturday night thrown at his co-worker’s house, most of the people there were his co-workers. He showed me the pics the next day, a couple of which I found really offensive. In one, this girl is really chipkofied with him and she’s posing in a really obscene manner. I asked him what the hell is this? He just laughed and said well, she was supposed to be a vampire so she’s posing and I went quiet, I was very pissed off though. In a couple more, girls have their hands on his shoulders and standing very close to him and stuff.
Anyways, I told him I didn’t like this and he just laughed and said, you dont have to worry, they’re just co-workers and its just like being with friends, its harmless fun. I though to myself “oh well, whats done is done. At least he’s not hiding them from me, etc”.
And then he goes and uploads them all on his work-related Facebook profile (he doesn’t have family and our friends on it). And now I’m even more angry, but I dont want to fight over this. I just want to communicate my displeasure and show him that I’m offended. I outrightly said I’m offended but that didn’t work on him and I’m not the type to give my husband the cold-shoulder and let him figure it out by himself. So, what do I do? I’m very upset about this whole thing
He will probably just make fun of me again and say I’m too uptight and doing ‘shak’ on him. How would anyone else tackle this issue? I’m really mad at him and I want to show him that I’m mad at him beacuse of his be-sharmi, he could have at least asked them to pose appropriately.
re: I'm offended and angry, how do I communicate it to my husband
I am not sure what to say. I can see his perspective also where it may really not be a big deal. Those girls must be just taking their role play to the next level. You have to understand that in USA, company policies do not allow any non-professional body language in office environment so if it makes you feel any better, what happened in the party remained in the party.
re: I'm offended and angry, how do I communicate it to my husband
hmm... i dont think you should be too worried, i mean as you said that at leat he showed the pics. to you and didnt hide them. It would be another situation if YOU would FIND them.
And then about the posing and stuff, i agree with you its wrong and you can perhaps just try and express your feelings in a calm and sensible way and discuss it?
re: I'm offended and angry, how do I communicate it to my husband
I'm sorry you're so upset. And I can understand why you're upset. I've lived in the US for a long time, and I get that to people here it's no big deal, but coming from the culture and (most importantly) the religion that we do, it's a massive deal. But it appears that your husband doesn't see it that way.
So here's what I would suggest once you calm down and have a discussion. Remember that you catch more flies with honey. Start out the discussion with this...that you are his wife, that you love him, and that you really appreciate XYZ qualities...for example, that he was honest with you about what he did. And then explain it from an Islamic perspective. That regardless of whether or not it's not a big deal for people here, it's a big deal for a Muslim who can't conduct himself in such a way with women who aren't his mahram. Emphasize those religious references. Tell him that you're not trying to be uptight or "spoil his fun." Tell him that you only say this to him out of concern for HIS hereafter...where he will have to answer for each and everything he has ever done. And then once you're done with the discussion, move on. If he does something like this again, let him know how you feel about it in the same calm way...but remember that ultimately, he's responsible for his own actions.
You know your husband best. Please take my suggestions with a grain of salt, but just remember...more flies with honey.
re: I'm offended and angry, how do I communicate it to my husband
I think I can only add more fuel to your story - unfortunately :(
If it's the co-workers throwing the party then your hubby should have taken you to the party! If not then he should not go either - simple as that.
Although I must say that there might be no harm in posing for pictures - I think it's absolutely inconsiderate of your hubby to go and have fun by himself!
Howcome only the guys can go to party and the wify stays home ?
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sorry - my rant is because I personally have similar issue that hubby won't take me to his office party. I do not approve these behavior.
I agree with Mistral. Here in the US, people don't mean this kind of stuff to be offensive or crossing the line. But as Muslims there is a way to set boundaries with coworkers and non-Muslim friends so we can still have fun and be comfortable around each other without touchy-feely or suggestive behavior. I think you should (calmly!) sit down with your husband and try to come to an agreement on appropriate boundaries in professional relationships as well as friendships.
BTW, I once had a similar issue with my husband. We went bowling with some friends, including one woman he had been friends with for several years. At one point in the evening, he gave her a small shoulder massage, and I felt really offended. I discussed it with him later on, told him I respect his friendship and that he has known her a long time, etc., but I just don't agree with physical contact like that. Since then we've never had a problem.
re: I'm offended and angry, how do I communicate it to my husband
I just think if you had done something like that - then your hubby would have ripped your skin off.. not only that he would have sent all those pictures certified mail to your mom and dad... and then demanded them to give an answer on is this how you raised your daughter?
He asked me to go, but I refused. I know, my mistake .
The thing is that I don’t enjoy these parties, I don’t get most of their jokes (since they’re related to their everyday work and past experiences) and I HATE the smell of beer and alcohol, it makes me want to barf. Also, if some guy tried to hug me or kiss me (as is their norm), I would probably slap him and my husband will get all huffy and work will get uncomfy for him, so I just avoid these situations. I’m still REALLY mad at him, maybe I shouldn’t serve him dinner for a whole week.
And I work too, but I don’t go around hugging my co-workers and posing cheek-to-cheek with them. I’m getting more mad thinking about it now, how would he react if I took pictures chipkofying with half-nude guys.
^NJ Masti makes a good point. You should play the wife/sister/mother card. Ask him how you would feel if a woman he's close to - you, mom, sister, etc. - did this with a coworker. For your particular situation, asking how he would feel if you or his sister did something like this? How would he feel if his daughter engaged in such behavior? For a lot of men, that tends to slap the severity of the situation into their heads.
Or it may not. You may have a long few years ahead of you where you will have to keep having this discussion. But keep doing it. Calmly, rationally...don't stop. I've known women in situations like yours with husbands who weren't always on the up-and-up. After years of discussions, dua and making sure that they (the wives) themselves behaved with the utmost decorum, it eventually sunk in to their husband's brains. Don't give up hope immune!
^ Yes on all that Masti said. I think another thing you can do is to discuss it with him not only as a religious issue, but explain to him that you behave the way you do and set boundaries out of a deep feeling of respect for him----and you want him to feel the same respect for you and to be mindful of that in his interactions. I think with my husband he responded immediately to my complaint about the shoulder massage because I related it to my love and respect for him, so it touched him more immediately.
re: I'm offended and angry, how do I communicate it to my husband
If you're a desi who chooses to live in a gori land, then there are things that you will need to learn how to deal with. In gori-land, hugs and kisses are routine and sometimes expected. But completely without sexual overtone. Both women and men are far more demonstrative and physical, conversation and interaction does involve touching (again, without sexual overtone). Drinking alcohol is viewed as a normal (but NOT required) activity.
So, the hubby who posts his photos online and shows them to his wife, this is a guy who is just "doing as the romans do", just fitting in. I'd be far more worried about the guy who doess not invite the wife and does not show the photos (or worse, tried to hide them!).
You have nothing to worry about. Other than your non-desire to fit in. If you get so upset over this kind of thing, then you should have accompanied your husband and guarded him. You need to get over your repugnance of the smell of beer - heck no one is going to ask you to actually consume it. So maybe open a nearby window or wear more perfume. Or...dont go at all and be secure in the knowledge that your loving husband will doccument his evening and publish the photographs.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh here. I just feel for this poor guy, getting beat up for trying so hard to fit in, doing a good job of it but then getting beat up by his wife who wants to live desi style. Desi-style really cant work in the west without a bit of acceptance. You dont have to partake but you really do need to participate (and note, participation does not require you to forego any or your morals or restrictions).
re: I’m offended and angry, how do I communicate it to my husband
no its not her fault as she said that people around her do such stupid things of been hugiing and etc stilll his hubby has to give answers that he wouldnt be gone either and is he a muslim i think muslim don celebrate this HALLOWEEN he is living there and would know the situations in these kin of parties so he should avoid these all ajj pose kiya hay kal kuch b hoo to its just fun haaa all u people are dude and again will say he didnt hide it atleast immune do let ur hubby know that ur mad let me him what ever he think that ur possessive,angey ,shak make mazak of u but stilll let him know these acts that were for fun are not acceptable for uuuu:aj:
