On this forum there are already alot of threads on not generalizing etc etc so I would really appreciate it if we stuck to the topic and I dont get abused for my opinions thank you!
Some of you may know that I am going through the rishta process at the moment.
I was born in the uk and raised here. I have lived alone for 5 years whilst attending medical school (come home most weekends). I would consider myself to be quite british in my sense of humor and some traits. My urdu is average. I speak in english most of the time. I can cook all pakistani food though haha!
So my parents want to introduce me to a man who has been in the UK for maybe 4 years, he went to uni in pakistan, did a masters here and is now working as a trainee Denstist (maxfax surgeon for those of who are familiar with medican terms) I have agreed however I am finding it hard to keep a completely open mind.
The main thing I worry about…Communication…my urdu really is average at best, I am very sarcastic (which i find alot of pakistani people dont get)
Other things I worry about is that im realllly independent and I find that majority-not all!-of pakistani national men do not like independent women.
I really want to have a blank mind and be completely open minded when i meet him but I just cant help already feeling negative about it, maybe because its not what I imagined for myself?
Re: Im going to try and be open minded but I do have my reservations.
The main thing I worry about.....Communication....my urdu really is average at best, I am very sarcastic (which i find alot of pakistani people dont get)
Other things I worry about is that im realllly independent and I find that majority-not all!-of pakistani national men do not like independent women.
stop being sarcastic, no men or person (desi or non-desi) likes sarcastic people.
Dont assume that desi guys dont like independent girls. They are actually not happy about dependent wife who cant drive and even to get a hair cut, she sits at home wait for her hubby to come home and take her. Not to mention middle of the day doctors appointments and such.
Now if by independent, you mean that you make your decsions without consulting anyone then its not a good habit to began with. When you commit to live a life with someone, you dont make decisions without consulting your partner, period.
Re: Im going to try and be open minded but I do have my reservations.
If you're not already in a relationship......then get to know this guy. He might even surprise you. I've seen guys who were brought up in Pakistan and are okay with having an independent wife. Conversely, you can find guys who have been born and brought up abroad and are very rigid in their views.
As long as you explain to your parents and make it clear to them from the get-go.......that "getting to know the rishta prospect" does not guarantee a yes from you......you should be okay.
It makes the process easier if the parents are understanding about the possibility of you rejecting the guy because YOU as an individual don't find him compatible...(even if they really like him) and don't impose their wishes on you.
Re: Im going to try and be open minded but I do have my reservations.
stop being sarcastic, no men or person (desi or non-desi) likes sarcastic people.
Dont assume that desi guys dont like independent girls. They are actually not happy about dependent wife who cant drive and even to get a hair cut, she sits at home wait for her hubby to come home and take her. Not to mention middle of the day doctors appointments and such.
Now if by independent, you mean that you make your decsions without consulting anyone then its not a good habit to began with. When you commit to live a life with someone, you dont make decisions without consulting your partner, period.
Thanks
I find that most british people are sarcastic we are famous for it haha im not rude about it though, that is a minor point I feel if someone really hates it I would tone it down for them.
By independent I mean, I dont want to ask someones permission alll the time before I head out to the shops or to the gym for example, let them know yes but not permission if that makes sense.
I also would like to have a social life independent of my partner as well as some mutual friends too.
Re: Im going to try and be open minded but I do have my reservations.
this came from a very experience friend of mine who dated kalay, goray, desi, yellow and she concluded that men in general like to take control, doesn’t matter what nationality they belong it.
nothing is wrong with it. we girls like to mess things around. :halo:
Re: Im going to try and be open minded but I do have my reservations.
By independent I mean, I dont want to ask someones permission alll the time before I head out to the shops or to the gym for example, let them know yes but not permission if that makes sense. I also would like to have a social life independent of my partner as well as some mutual friends too.
Unless you are going to dicso clubs :D, you wont have that problem of permission. I mean honestly my wife never needs my permission about going somewhere, she knows her responsibilities and priorities and with that knowledge, if she wants to go somewhere (gym, salon, friends house), she just has to inform me , and that is it. And I know that most of desi hubbies are like that.
See as long as your activities do not reflect self centerdness all the times, I can guarantee you that your hubby would be happy for you doing that
Re: Im going to try and be open minded but I do have my reservations.
I haven't read the above posts so apologies if I'm repeating anything.
I'd say keep an open mind. He has studied here and is working here and if he has wanted to, I'm sure he has learnt a lot in terms of language and social culture. It's the person that matters, not where they are from.
I never thought I'd marry a guy who was from Pakistan (to be honest, I never saw myself marrying anyone from a Paksitani background due to negative exposure) but I did. We clicked instantly and have so much in common. Language has never been a problem because his English is excellent and we have a similar humour. I feel sorry for him as my urdu is poor - I learnt most of what I know recently - and I'm sure he misses it. I haven't had any independence issues, I do as I have always done and there has never been any conflict. To be honest, I have far simpler and more independent life than relatives who have married british born pakistanis. I think family background is important though.
Re: Im going to try and be open minded but I do have my reservations.
Lol, I'm sure it will be okay if he has been here for four years. If not, I'd be a bit worried.
Actually, since I met my husband, although not because of him, I've met a lot of Pakistani's who have seamlessly transitioned over here. I also know some that have come after marriage and have found it very hard, as have their british born wives. I've found that it seems like it basically usually comes down to education, because often the kind of company you keep influences you.
Re: Im going to try and be open minded but I do have my reservations.
Lol, I'm sure it will be okay if he has been here for four years. If not, I'd be a bit worried.
Actually, since I met my husband, although not because of him, I've met a lot of Pakistani's who have seamlessly transitioned over here. I also know some that have come after marriage and have found it very hard, as have their british born wives. I've found that it seems like it basically usually comes down to education, because often the kind of company you keep influences you.
Yeah I do agree with you on the education bit, he is a dentist so thats well educated and works in a hospital as a trainee dental surgeon so is in a good position...
I dont know, is 4 years enough time to be really good at english..
My parents have been here for 20 and have no idea what me and my bro are going on about half the time :S and my dad is a doctor!
Re: Im going to try and be open minded but I do have my reservations.
Well as long as you clearly state to your parents what you expect in terms of the whole rishta process then I can't see there being a big issue. At end of the day either you will like him or you wont. Maybe you might want to speak to him more to get to know him on a better level. Just keep your objectives clear. That is the main thing.
Also, keeping an open mind can be tough. There are sometimes pre conceived notions about certain groups of people or elements in general. Try to keep a neutral mindset before you meet him. Then when you finally meet this guy you can do the judging and it will give you an indication of whether he is possibly the one.
Oh and good luck, iA everything works out for the best.
Re: Im going to try and be open minded but I do have my reservations.
Yeah I do agree with you on the education bit, he is a dentist so thats well educated and works in a hospital as a trainee dental surgeon so is in a good position...
I dont know, is 4 years enough time to be really good at english..
My parents have been here for 20 and have no idea what me and my bro are going on about half the time :S and my dad is a doctor!
It really just depends on the person. My dad isn't educated past A levels and came here when he was 18. He has an accent (difficult to place now) but his command of English is great. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that my mum came to the UK when she was 5 and therefore speaks English like a native and also that my parents associated with all kinds of people. My dad loved watching all the TV shows, like Yes Minister, Rising Damp etc etc. We lived in Bournemouth for a few years in the 80's and just to give you an idea of what that was like, I was the only non-white child in the primary school!
Now if this guy has chosen to most of his time with fellow Pakistani's and conversing and joking in Urdu/Punjabi, then he make not have progressed in this respect very much.
Re: Im going to try and be open minded but I do have my reservations.
Relax and talk to him. He more than likely knows English already if he got his Masters in the UK. There's no harm in giving him a chance ; if it doesn't work out.. well you move on and there's no harm done.
Don't lose the sarcasm, it's who you are. Maybe tone it down a little for the time being to see how well he takes it.
thank you!