I'm confused. Should I give him another chance?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I probably shouldn't. In fact I know I shouldn't. I'm 25 ando confused I have no idea what to do. I guess I am looking for fair impartial advice. When one has children, should a divorce be avoided or can be it be better for the child?

Basically, my husband left me when our daughter was 2 months old. Many on gupshup may already know my old history with my Dad etc etc. He was violent and abusive towards my mum and us. He is still around and to this day has badnamed me in the whole family, friends etc that I am a bad girl who does not listen to her father. Quite clearly, no one in the family friends circle had any sense as they all believed him or so he says.

His philosophy if life is that men must be worshipped, they are God in other words (I know, all that's wrong blah blah) - I am quite a steadfast muslim and know what's right and wrong. Things used to get to my head a lot however I am very resilient and alhumduliah have managed to put everything out of my head. It doesn't affect me as much.

The issues with my husband were to do with his immature attitude to life and being spoilt rotten. His answer to many marital problems was to run away to his sister/brother/brother in law in a different town. His communication skills were terrible. He clearly didn't know what a marriage was and how to make it work. He would make promises but never keep them, he would agree to try harder but then never displayed any behaviour to show me. We both argued and many times things went out of hand. His parents didn't help the matter neither did his siblings who kept encouraging him to move there and leave me.

When I go back and think about our day to day life, it was fine apart from above mentioned problems. He wasn't like my Father, he didn't stop me doing things, dressing the way I wanted and we generally had a good time. Or so I think. There was personality trait crashes. I was a giver and he was a taker, he had greedy habits and I had self respect.

Anyway, he left and never once looked back. I think a lot of it came down to his family telling him that once he has a child - he would be able to get settlement without me etc etc. He was on a spousal visa which I cancelled and hence he took me to court for access and we are just coming up to the final hearing. All my allegations were proven true in court and he hasn't had any access. His family have been trying for a reconciliation but half hearted ones and ones I feel were more to show the world and family more than anything. He just stayed quite, he left by the night after I took all my belongings to my mother's around the corner. We often spent most of our time there anyway. I was just mad about something. Either way, he called me a few times and the disappeared. He didn't come to see me or try anything else.

The first 8 months after separation, on maternity were the hardest ever in my life. Then it started to get better and I forgot about him and I got my own place, went back to work and have build up a happy safe life for us. He doesn't know our address and I intend to keep it that way.

Then after, the Judge' findings, he started calling me, messaging me etc. I blocked him, ignore him for 2 months. Then I spoke to him on the phone for about half an hour and his communication skills were still lacking. He offered no explanation except that he had been led astray and he was sorry and that he would never get married to anyone else and that he missed us. Then he didn't call ever again but sends the same repeated (copied) message asking how I am every few days and requesting pictures of his daughter.

Sometimes I wonder if he has mental illnesses and I should support him through it.

My Daughter alhumduliah is 2 years old now, happy, healthy and the apple of my eye. Since he had never contacted me, I went about happy in my life with a fair share of problems still coming from my Father but I kinda just ignored them now. My Daughter has a really really really really good bond with my Father. Sometimes it worries me. Ever since he has contacted me, I seem to go back down the spiral staircase and memories haunt me. Not the bad ones, the good ones. I guess I have been lonely for so long, I just want stability and comfort again. I want to so badly believe him yet I know that is stupid.

My worries are, I don't want my Daughter to go against me later on and blame me for not allowing her dad into our lives. I also have irrational thoughts about abuse that my Daughter may face if I was to get remarried etc. I just worry, what if I get remarried and he ends up leaving me because I'm not good enough, pretty or interesting. I tried a matrimonial site and it was a waste of time as it just felt to artificial for me. It's irrational and I know there are good people in life and I have unfortunately just been let down by all the wrong ones. Why are people in Pakistan so greedy? Everyone I know has fallen out over wealth, inheritance etc.

I had made the decision to take Khula but now I am not sure, any advice? He never agreed for a divorce either in the marriage nor during separation period. Maybe he wants to have his cake and eat it. I don't know. I am so confused.

I guess I just don't know if I'm going to regret my decision and what's the guarantee that I will find someone else? My ex and I spent 2 amazing months in Pakistan after our marriage and then when he came over, I fell pregnant and had a bad year of sickness and was my worst. Then he left so we haven't even spent any time together in all reality.

I am so confused - how do people make these decisions?

To top it off, my father claims he will get me remarried whereas I know the type of people he will pick and I am not interested but I know if I chose someone myself then I will be the badnam girl again. I really don't want to take that risk not with my Daughter and the fear if it breaks down again - I don't think I could survive.

Please help

edit: I live in my own house in England. I have always been a mature person and I give people way too many chances but now I feel so confused at this point in life

2

So Sister You probably already are aware of the fact that in a Muslim Country upon divorce/khulla Mother keeps the child until they are two years old after that Father is the Guardian! right?

so make your decision keeping that in mind! May Allah be your Guide Sister!

3

Oh dear

Quite a sad story.

If your husband was never around during your bad time, there is no guarantee that he will be in future unless he changes for the better. If he doesn’t change then he would really be a very bad choice to pick again. He sounds like an opportunist with no care for loved ones or family values.

Stay at your parents’ for now & when you are wiser and mature then decide or choose the right partner with the help of other family members whom you trust if not your father. Just pray & ask God to give you what / who is good for you. Make that dua alot. Then watch who is naturally removed from your life and who stays. That will be God’s answer to your prayers. Then value whoever stays and what you experience in life after those prayers. That’s what / who is good for you. Then don’t doubt it even if anything comes through your father. God will make him or anyone else the means. But it will be from God due to your duas. Also trust your intuition. It will protect you out of a thousand problems.

Prayers / dua are your only solution. After the duas, value & appreciate whatever you are given and accept what is taken away. For sure anything / anyone not good for you will be taken away. Even if that’s your ex. One piece of advice though. Make sure you have your father’s prayers no matter you like his choices or not. It will be due to the power of his prayers that you’ll have a good life with or without a partner.

Goodluck.

3 Likes
4

I kind of sympathize with your husband that he had to face the courts within a year of arriving into a new country. Also, I can understand why he wouldn?t try to reach out to you more. The reason is that when courts and lawyers get involved, natural and cultural ways of handling marital conflicts should be avoided because they could land a less knowledgeable person into serious trouble. For example, if he tried to contact you, then you could have obtained a restraining order against him and based on that or any violation of that order, cases become prejudiced. Also, as you mentioned that you cancelled his visa so he would be dealing with lots of other legal issues on the side. And paying a lawyer is almost impossible for a person who has newly arrived from Pakistan.

Another accident that could happen is making a physical threat without intention of any harm due to lack of understanding of laws which always lands the less knowledgeable person in big trouble. Therefore, it?s best not to reach out in traditional ways. I have posted here before how a friend of mine got arrested and then released but never got his visa again due to trying to reach out to his female friend over a dispute over a movie.

I feel like you pulled the plug on your relationship too soon. But now you should move on because once courts get involved, I have rarely seen couples getting back together. And even if they do get back together, it ends quickly afterwards.

2 Likes
5

Thank you for your insight. Actually he has not had to pay legal fees at all as his sister’s husband is a an immigration specialist and he had all the best help available to him. It is me who is still in debt and paying legal fees. He used to up and and leave quite often in the earlier marriage but he was very disrespectful to everyone and said things such as, I don’t have to spend the rest of my life with you. He kept getting in trouble with work whilst he was here and he was never with me during pregnancy etc. The day he left, my Father was in ICU in hospital. I didn’t cancel his visa until 6 months after he left with no contact. I was not willing to take the responsibility of being his sponsor. Basically he was a typical badmash boy whilst he was here.

6

If you wana give him chance then see how he act with your daughter and if his behave match up with his words. You can do this as last chance so you will not be having any regret in future. If no change then let go.

7

i’m sorry but no. your dad was abusive and he really tore you down. don’t make it a priority to get your blessings from him or duas. make your own future and more importantly, make your own duas and remain mindful of toxic people. they are usually attracted to kind and forgiving people because they know how much they can get away with. don’t take your husband back because you genuinely seem like a pick and choose option to him, but definitely allow visitation for the child because she will grow up and ask you questions. you need to be able to answer them with a clean heart. then she can make her own decision. it will hurt you, or may not.. depends on how you raise her to view life and people. it has its good and bad moments. you seem so independent and strong, don’t allow the badnaam’ing from a community to get you down. they’re not there trynna feed your kid or put a roof over her head.

ps. 25 with a child and all this madness? i’m sorry man, i hope things get easier iA :frowning:

3 Likes
8

Listen to your instinct and not emotion

9

Go with your intuition. Those voices in your head are true to judge your situation.

10

Coffeegirl, looking at what you have written, it appears that you are not a very tolerant person. I would assume, and I may be completely wrong, that you have a stubborn, selfish and self-centered personality. The more I read through your post, the more it appears that you have very strong biases which cloud your judgement. I am not certain what your biases are but you have a bit of disturbed personality. I am sorry for this unwanted dissection. However, we all have our own flaws and understanding our flaws help us overcome them. I myself am no angel either.

11

I would suggest you to do “Isthikhara” and see how things unfold for the betterment.

12

Your story is somewhat similar to my couisn?s in the UK. She gave her ex husband multiple chances but he never changed. I would not say this about every individual but there are times where you cannot certainly change a person who does not want to change. People will never accept that they are wrong or their way of thinking is. My Couisn has a son who is 5 now and she also had to get khula from her husband when her son was only 2. Her husband left her after arriving to the UK and she later found out that she was pregnant. She was basically forced to give him chances because of the baby but the guy never seemed interested in the relationship. He never stopped her from working, going out with friends, dressing and all of that but he would be out for days and never really financially supported her. At one point he also started verbally abusing her and then there came a time where she was unable to hold onto the relationship. Tbh She thinks her life is better now.
I would not encourage you to go for a divorce only because it worked out in my cousin?s favor but you know your husband for a really long time now and if you think that man will never change, it?s better to leave him then.