I’m back and apologize for leaving. I never went back to the forum and read the replies.
I get depressed as I can’t discuss these issues with anyone as openly as I can hear..and here I felt like I’m not able to explain myself… So I just ran. Im a depressed person and i have to really struggle to not take anti depressants.
Anyway the current situation is.. Room undecided. My mil leaves in four days the husbands small room still has two single beds. She hasn’t spoken to me about anything ( since she clearly told me I should not bring my furniture and told my husband the same) so I’m keeping myself calm. If she wants the room to be like this…sure..
Secondly after two episodes of my fil..I obviously got scared and quite around him.. He called me twice every night to ask how his daughter was. I talked very nicely and showed no sign of disrespect although in my heart I was hurting.
Then I went to meet them after a long gap and he was extra nice to me.. My mil told me she spoke to him and explained about his temper and he realises he should not have done that.
With all that on side and all the fighting over.. My husband seems very distant to me. He previously told me it’s because of his exam stress.. But he passed exam..and still..
He seems very pro mom. He was always pro her but lately he’s taking too much of her side.
On her birthday he was out of town and I was very busy in my work but he forced me to go to her..and I did that for him still no appreciation instead he said I’m very rude and give quick nos.
To me It feels like he wants me to serve his family all the time because I cancel my every plan for him and his family. Not a good habit but how do.i make him think of me too? How was never like this and his coldness is killing me..
You can leave this forum whenever you want, so there's no need to apologize for that.
It's not often that in-laws apologize or try to make amends. Bahut bari baat hai that your mil spoke to fil about his behavior and it's even more a bari baat that he did not make an ego issue out of it and reached out to you. But you have to understand that your in-laws won't always be like this. There will be times when they'll think that they've done nothing wrong. Your mil may not always talk to your fil every time he acts a bit rude with you. Don't expect in-laws to always be so self-reflective and yielding toward you. And this is why you'll have to be patient and let things roll off your shoulders sometimes and behave normally. If you always become "quiet" and broody every time FIL gruffly says something, you may be perceived as having an attitude problem. In other words, you will have to yield from your end too sometimes.
If you think that lately husband has been really really pro-mom, then lately have you really really bugged him about the bedroom issue? Maybe you didn't complain much about it, but perhaps you showed through your body language (becoming quiet, facial expressions) that you were not happy. If so, then let the room issue go for now. You were advised by several people in your last thread to just drop the issue until you actually move in with your in-laws and to first develop a bond with your in-laws before looking for things that need changing.
One thing that you must do is to stop comparing yourself to your jhetani. She's a blood relative of your mil and in order to keep the peace in the family, your mil may pamper her more than you. It would be nice if she treated you both equally, but don't expect or even strive for that cuz that would be a lifelong uphill battle.
It would have been nice if your husband showed appreciation for you visiting his mom, but spouses do many kind gestures for one another and a thank you is not always said, nor does it have to be said each and every time. Don't turn it into a scoreboard. Maybe your husband thinks that the marriage didn't start off on the right foot and so he's trying to smooth that over. Maybe he wants his mom to like you, to accept you, and that's why he wants you to spend time with her. It's not the biggest deal if he requested you to visit his mom. After all you will be living with her. If you told him that, "I can't go. I won't have time. I'm busy" then yeah that can come across as rude. But if you said, "I want her birthday to be special for her, so I'll go see her after I get off from work. I'll bring a cake with me." is better and the task won't sound like it's a burden for you. Everyone is busy, but there are formalities that have to be done in order to maintain our relationships and so we have to squeeze in time for them.
Address your husband's coldness with him in a caring way. Tell him that you want the two of you to communicate openly and that you don't want him to be upset and distant with you. Ask him if you've done anything wrong and if you know you have, then apologize for your mistakes. Always reflect over any mistakes you may have made.
I am sure your in laws and/or hubby will sort out the two single beds issue before you move in so don't stress about that.
As for your hubby's coolness towards you...to be honest I think you made a big mistake by complaining about her to him initially. At the end of the day, she is his mother and, I'm sure as you wouldn't want someone in your ear about your mom, neither does he. How can you fix this? Be extra nice and loving towards the whole family. Do not expect thanks from him for you going to see them or going out of your way etc. Just put your 100% into being loving towards them all and with time your husband will appreciate this and hopefully return to normal.
Yes I did fight with him several times over the room issue.. But eventually I dropped it.. Personally I felt he was hurt by the room. Issue too because we always talked about shifting in that room..and once during our fight he told me he's spoken and they said no what do I do now. He seemed sad and hurt that's the day i dropped it.
I was upset because my mil always always asks the older one in every and whatever is leftover is asked by me. I understand that there's a blood bond there.. But I will not spend my whole life being a second for my husbands preferences..
As for the bond.i have been meeting them since 8 years MA. Things changed when they met jaithani ( jaithani is a relative they never met because of family fights..and met a week before engagement when they decided to do it. ) before her arrival things were heaven for me. As soon as she came I became non existent. I'm only remembered when they need help.. So we have a bond. My mil talks to me about everything. She feels older one will make a fight of it all..so indirectly tells me to keep it low.
I give my in laws alot of time.. And I think that's the problem is that he doesn't see that my family deserves the same respect.
Yesterday we met and he was extremely loving and told me there's nothing in his heart against me.. However today things changed again.
There is a dinner at his place of his dad's colleagues ( who I don't know and never met ) he told me to come over. I told him I have plans with my mom but I'll come. When I was in market it took longer than usual I told him I can't come. He got furious and told me he will never come to any dinner at my place ((he said no to two previous dinners at my place with no solid excuse so i told him you do the same..why are you forcing me. But he's being very rude.. I don't know where I'm stuck. I'm trying to be my best. I replied his rude messages with love..and he just said bad things.. He wants to obey everything his mom says. I told him I need to obey my mom too.
I can pretty much attest to the fact that...when your husband is cold...it is to you to address issue of communication in caring way. And there you might have said something which you shouldn't have...intentionally or not...he just doesn't know how to deal with u. Us men get stressed out coz...apnay ghar wallon ki sonoo..phir bewi kii...and pretty much being a natural problem solvers we are....it takes little time to come back to our senses after analyzing from every angle point of view. I bet you...he probably is trying to understand your situation.
And advise for him would be to communicate issues with you effectively. Both of u sit down..or have community member or some wise person to sit down with both of you and help both of you understand better way. So u either of u dont serve your egos. Apologize if need be..but try make things better so same mistakes are not repetitive.
Lastly, both of you are trying to adjust with each other. So those few bumps are expected. Never disheartened by them. Deal with them patiently. Do not involve your families into this. Try to find solution on your own...both of u. And if either of u have say on-going communication issue...than...go to community leader or wise person to solve problems. Last but not least..May Allah make everything easy for you and your husband. Just don't give up.