General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t
know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy
computers – but imagine if they did …
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HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing
happened!”
HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?”
HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turns over the engine.”
CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”
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HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go
anywhere!”
HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?”
CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know?”
HELPLINE: “There’s a little guage on the front panel, with a
needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F.’ Where is the needle
pointing?”
CUSTOMER: “It’s pointing to ‘E.’ What does that mean?”
HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay
the vendor to install it for you.”
CUSTOMER: “What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me
that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
comes with everything built in!”
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HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Your car sucks!”
HELPLINE: “What’s wrong?”
CUSTOMER: “It crashed, that’s what went wrong!”
HELPLINE: “What were you doing?”
CUSTOMER: “I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then
it crashed – and now it won’t start!”
HELPLINE: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product.
What do you expect us to do about it?”
CUSTOMER: “I want you to send me one of the latest versions that
doesn’t crash anymore!”
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HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power
steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”
HELPLINE: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “How do I work it?”
HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”
CUSTOMER: “Do I know how to what?”
HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”
CUSTOMER: “I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places
in my car!”
