If everything really does happen for a reason?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

i seriously want to know the reason for this…

OMG :frowning:

A friend of mine was rejected by this family on whom she had all her hopes on cuz she liked the guy from his pic n thought the family was pretty decent. Khair she was quite miserable when they rejected her esp cuz they said she was quite healthy (read: chubby/fat). I thought that was an odd reason cuz its not like she is FAT n if they thought everything else was fine then nobody wud reject a girl based on it or so i suppose. But it happened n she took it very bad. She seemed stuck on it forever however today she completely broke down. She called me up and told me that the guy is engaged now and the girl he got engaged to was pretty ordinary and chubby. Now she is again left with all the questions in her mind that why was she rejected if they had to go with someone as ordinary as her.

What do i tell her?

Earlier i told her that just like she has the right to reject someone so does the other person so she should just accept it and move on in life. But i must say after myself having a look at the pic and at the girl the guy finally got engaged to, i am left confused. Its beyond me to understand WHY this happened ofcourse i didnt tell her that. I tried to reason with her and all that. But deep down this has literally left me shocked. I feel her pain not because she is a friend but genuinely it doesnt make sense. Maybe Allah has better plans for her, i definately hope so cuz she deseves it.

What do i tell her to lessen her pain? I dont know how she got so attached to this rishta without even ever interacting with the guy. It’s like she just felt it was the right rishta for her. Now she is really disturbed and wants to know WHY she was rejected. I really want to help her but i m in no place or have no experience as such to help her cope better with this.

Any suggestions?

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

Well it’s your friend’s fault that she got so “attached” to this rishta without even interacting with the guy, as you say. And I think that as her friend, you need to find a tactful way to tell her that…so she doesn’t make the same mistake in the future.

1) She can’t decide based on a picture…and only one meeting of a couple of hours…that he’s the right person for her. Now she might argue that the guy was able to base his decision to marry the other girl after one meeting…but u don’t know that for sure. He may have known and liked her from before. And just because he chose her over him…after one meeting…doesn’t necessarily mean that it will be a good marriage. It might, it might not. It just wasn’t meant to be for her. Would she be happy getting married to a guy…who is not attracted to her? I don’t think so. She would be “settling”…and she should have higher standards for herself. She SHOULD want to marry someone who truly WANTS to marry her. If she’s going to sink into depression over a stranger…then that could be indicative of a self-esteem issue.

2) Attraction is a complicated thing. Maybe it was more than just your friend’s looks that didn’t appeal to the guy or his family. Perhaps he didn’t feel a spark or thought that their interactions lacked chemistry. Now you can defend your friend all you want and say that she’s a really nice girl, very friendly, super funny, very educated and smart, and can cook and clean and sew, etc etc. BUT…that still doesn’t mean that the other person will feel an attraction for her/her personality. Maybe he really liked the other girl as a person.

**3) ** Who gave the reason for rejection (her weight) ? Was it the guy’s parents (mom/sister, etc) who told your friend that she’s being rejected because of her weight? How can you be 100% sure that the guy’s family is even being honest? How can you be absolutely sure that the guy wasn’t interested in some other girl (such as the one he’s now engaged to)?

***Also, the rejection came from the guy’s parents (usually a female like the mom, etc). You don’t have a 100% guarantee that it involved the guy’s opinion. For all you and your friend know…the guy’s mom and sister might have felt that she was unsuitable due to her weight…and he just wasn’t interested because of some other reason. And his mom just told you whatever she felt…and either had no idea how her son felt or just didn’t want to mention it. The parents could have rejected based on looks and the guy could have rejected based on something totally different…and so she (ur friend) may not be getting the entire picture.

Do you see what I’m trying to say here? Your friend doesn’t live with the guy and his family. She didn’t witness what happened after they left her house and discussed matters…she has no idea about the details behind that rejection. And you know what? She’ll **NEVER **know. And that’s what she needs to understand. That she’ll NEVER find out, so it’s pointless to even dwell on the matter when she could be spending her time in more positive ways. She can contact the guy and ask him why he turned her down…but that would be awkward for both parties and there still won’t be any guarantee that he’s going to be 100% honest. So the whole question of “I seriously want to know the reason for this”…is not going to help.

You can hold her hand and nurse her bitterness by agreeing with everything she says, but I think she needs to be told where HER fault/s lie. People have the right to reject a potential rishta provided it’s done tactfully…and I will say…that the guy’s family could have handled it differently.

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

Aww thank you so very much for such a detailed and helpful reply.

See what i am saying here is not what i m saying to her. I am doing my best to get her out of this negativity by making her understand that things happen and one has to take them and move on. You can’t challenge other person’s right to choose what they want to no matter how absurb it may seem.

She found out the reason for rejection thru the rishta wali aunty who told them that this is what the guys mother said but she herself was left confused cuz she also didnt see anything FAT abt the girl. Khair in the end she said this family just has too much expectations which was ok but now that my frnd saw the girl they finally selected she feels shattered. I dont think its a case of insecurity cuz she is a very confident girl dont know why she just got stuck at this. Thats precisely why i feel all the more bad for her cuz she is sane girl, not someone who is dreamer n would go all filmy at such situations.

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

People say things like this sometimes when they don’t have a decent reason to reject someone. As rv said it could be another reason, may be they cannot say bcz it would make them look bad (e.g they wanted/found a richer family or some other monetary benefits, or the guy did not feel attracted towards your friend etc.)

Again she should have this in her mind before seeing any prospective rishta, that she as well as the other party, both have the yes/no options. Which means it could be either of the outcomes and she should be ready for both.

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

The guy never saw her. I am sure if he sees her, he wl have a one on one with his mother :D. Lol.

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

Just wasn’t meant to be.

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

QFT

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

well have you ever considered that the mother thought she was too pretty? a friend of mine was rejected (the guy never saw her) and it was revealed that the guy’s mother thought she was too pretty and would “steal her son away”. I’m saying this because you say the guy never saw her.

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

You women regardless of age are nuts.

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

QFT.

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

oh my… does this really happen???

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

If it makes “your friend” feel better, everyone has to deal with rejection. She isn’t alone.

Also, about rishtas being turned down because the girl is too pretty, that’s just hilarious. But it’s a good way to cope with rejection: “I got rejected because I’m too good!”

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

She has to be grateful she was rejected by people who are looking for such superficial qualities.

Its a blessing in disguise.

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

^I’ve heard it in the case of two girls, where one was told she was too pretty, and the mother said that her son was already head over heels in love with her after meeting her, and that she would never allow her boy to become a slave to such a pretty girl, so she wanted an ordinary one…the guy put up a fight, but at the end gave in to his mother’s wishes.
the second case, the guy didnt see the girl, and the mother came to the girl’s house, saw her, and left in a huff in 5 minutes, declaring to the rishta wali aunty that “yeh kya itni pyaari dekhai, main pagal hoon jo ise karon gi apne ladke ki, woh tou mujhe bhol hi jaye ga isko dekh ke!” the girl was really sad, but had no way of approaching the guy, except through his mother (she had seen his pictures only, and really liked him)

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

The heck?! If you aren’t pretty, you’re in trouble. If you are pretty, you are in trouble. :rolleyes:

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

I’d fire my mom as my representative in the rishta process if she puts her interests before mine. Just saying.

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

Again, you never know. The “she’s too fat” might ONLY be the opinion of the guy’s mom…and not the guy’s. He could have rejected her based on something else. Or maybe the mom was lying…perhaps she didn’t like your friend’s family…and thought it would be “rude” to give that as a reason…and decided to instead say she was “fat.” The “rejection” reason is being delivered by a third party (rishta aunty)…so many things get lost in translation…misunderstandings, etc. And even if you hear the reason directly from the guy and his family, the still may not be honest. For all you know…and sorry if this sounds crude…the guy may have even chosen the other girl because she has a bigger breast size. You friend needs to understand she’ll never know the reason…better to move on. A negative/depressed attitude is going to get in the way of her daily routines (more positive activities/relationships/even other rishtas).

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

Wow. Hmm. Lol. I have heard of something similiar before too but it still doesnt fail to shock me.

Yah. I guess time will heal her.

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Re: If everything really does happen for a reason?

what does QFT mean