This is a slightly controversial satire - hope the Mods will allow it to stay!
**ICC hit by another umpiring scandal (TSN) **
By our umpiring correspondent
Karachi: The ICC today vehemently denied the existence of a secret camp for training Test Umpires for the upcoming exciting, but equally dangerous series between Pakistan and India. The denial came hot off the heels of reports in the national media, which have quoted unnamed sources as alleging the existence of this camp in an unknown location in Tora Bora Mountains, Afghanistan.
According to these reports, an elite panel of umpires headed by the well-respected gymnast turned ventriloquist turned umpire, Billy Bowden, was under training by US Special Forces. Note that it has been suggested for a while that ICC’s new EUP (Elite Umpiring Panel) requires more training. This story, if true, seems to be a step in the right direction. This would also allow the Umpires to better adjust to conditions on the fields in India. It is widely acknowledged that the Pakistan Vs India series are very closely contested and umpiring decisions could play a major role in deciding which country will attack whom in the next 3 weeks.
Sources also allegedly claim to have seen allegedly real footage smuggled from the camp ( by some other sources ) that clearly show Billy Bowden and Steve Bucknor under intense training with special forces. In one segment, Billy is clearly shown dressed in chemical warfare suit and repeating statements like Eat my pants and Kiss my chaddi" (translation*: Kindly provide a kiss on my undergarments*), and then turning around to kick an effigy of Pakistani bowlers in their chins - all in one swift, immaculately choreographed, ballet like movement. In another, using a classic US Special forces maneuver, Steve Bucknor pretends to raise his finger in response to an Indian appeal, but then calmly picks his ear and blows his nose on the bowlers cap, just before he hands it back.
Click here to see secret pictures, clearly showing Bowden and Bucknor under intensive training at ToraBora
**
According to a famed video expert from the BIVM (Bahawalpur Insititute of Veterinary Medicine), Dr. Mig-a-Nath Khan (international expert on cow hygiene), “The video also revealed some totally blurred activity in the background which could easily be construed as the famed South African umpire, Rudi Koertzen being lectured on the art of partial umpiring by the great scholar, Rev. David Shepherd. Further analysis of the video has also revealed that Koertzen is standing next to an unknown man in a beard resembling a man whose name begins with “O” and ends with “n” (with sama binlade in between)”.
Editors note:Sadly, Dr. Mig-a-Nath Khan met an unsavory end to his career, 2 days after this report was filed. According to sources, this occurred when a MCDEP (manual cow dengue extraction procedure) went horribly wrong. The cow in question is reported to have inhaled at the wrong time causing the good Professor to be sucked in. Police are still comforting the traumatized cow.]
Meanwhile, in Dubai, the ICC’s token Asian - Chief, Ehsan Money refused to comment on the latest scandal to hit the organization - he did make a short statement, denying above reports as “preposterous and unbelievable as the price of an IPod in Dubai Duty Free!”. Chris Broad, a veteran of many tours to India and Pakistan and ICCs special expert on colonial and provincial affairs, was more forthcoming and scathing in his analysis of the report. He said, “The report is a total farce as we all know that Billy Bowden doesn’t know ballet! Cant understand why these subcontinentalwallas are reading so much into a simple thing - bloody typical behavior, that man Shakoor Rana knew his place, why cant the rest of them?”
Our Sports correspondent adds:
News of the rumors of the existence of this camp was met with a collective shaking of heads by the management of the PCB and the BCCI. The joint spokesmen, ex premier batsman for the Afghan cricket team - Mullah Omar and Bal Thackeray, a googly bowler of repute, while shaking their heads, denied that Pakistan and India had been disheartened by the appointment of the umpires – they however promised a “spectacular series followed by great explosions of joy”. Afterwards, Mr. Mullah O. left in a motorcade of motorcycles pursued by US Special Forces; while Mr. B. Thackeray was seen heading with a shovel to the nearest pitch.
Our Military correspondent at the Pentagon adds:
The US Military today denied any role of its forces in helping cricket umpires at secret locations in Tora Bora, Afghanistan. Their spokesman speaking from Camp Cricket in Tora Bora, Afghanistan said:"We don’t know what Al Jazeera is talking about but there is no such thing - Democracy is rife in Afganistan and you can now get Baskins Robbins in Kabul with Hashish flavor- although we did find one guy who pretended to be an umpire and looked a suspiciously dark - but thankfully, the world is much safer now as we have shipped him away to Guantanamo - I believe his name is Aleem Dar"
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lol