Hear me out. I moved to another country from Pakistan about ~ 8 years ago. We did not have our citizenship and when I turned 18 I was ineligible to apply for any undergraduate medicine programs though my marks were good. So my parents told me to study a science degree at a local college which was cheap. In the meanwhile we did get our citizenship but after I finished my degree I couldn’t get into graduate medicine. I was feeling very down so my mother asked me to apply for undergraduate programs and I got into perhaps one of the best medical schools in the country as an undergrad. Just one problem: the course is 6 YEARS LONG.
I’m 21 now and will be 27 by the time I’m a doctor. I already feel old compared to my peers because they are all 18-year-olds fresh out of high school while I have a degree under my belt. I find it hard to relate to them. But I’m mostly worried about my marriage prospects. I don’t want to grow old alone, I want to get married and have children. From what I’ve seen in my community most girls are married by 25. I’ve never heard of anyone getting married over this age and rishta offers dry up after 26. My parents don’t seem to care about this at all but I feel anxious thinking about the future. I don’t feel happy at all and I have no one to talk to either.
I have tried bringing this up with my mother but she accuses me of having a secret boyfriend or being a stupid modern girl who shouldn’t worry about such issues because your parents are the only ones who should be thinking about marrying you. She always wanted me to be a doctor and she is far happier about my admission than I am. TBH I would have been happy studying about anything like accounting and engineering but my parents really pushed me into medicine. I can’t say I don’t like the profession. I love science, I especially love medical science’s and I can see myself doing very well as a doctor. But I don’t feel like it aligns with my family goals. Any advice? How do I bring this up with my mother? Sorry for the long post.
I know people who completed their medicine degree in their 50s, If you want to be a doctor pursue it regardless of age if you don’t want to be one then don’t do it Studying doesn’t mean you have to quit living Marriages aren’t the end goals in life, girls should be financially and emotionally independent. There is a high rate of divorce and abuse what if marriage doesn’t work out and you are not financially independent. When you are financially successful the world falls to its knees for you. I would say you have an amazing opportunity many would kill for.
My neighbor and my best friend was studying to be a psychiatrist and finally completed his training in his 50s he had the most amazing family. You can continue studies after marriage also.
So far it seems your priorities in life are marriage and a family and more importantly they are your immediate and primary priorities.
Your mum’s priorities are you becoming a doctor and I am assuming she would want you to be married and have a family. But you becoming a doctor is probably more of a priority than the latter.
Your families priorities and the timelines are not matching up and this is causing a major clash in expectations which is heart breaking. I can totally understand.
The people I know who are in medicine really love their field and have made it #1](http://gupshup.org/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) in their life. It is not only about the study but the lifestyle you will have as a doctor. It is lots of work after your studies are complete with long shifts and on call work. You really have to be committed to it long term. You shouldn’t go into something you are not passionate about. You only get one life and I strongly believe you should spend it doing something you love and which will help bring meaning to your days.
I think you need to have an honest sit down with your parents and tell them about your situation and concerns and genuinely listen to theirs.
I also want to tell you that marriage and having a family is really important and probably one of the best ways to fulfill your duties as a muslimah. I regard it highly as well but also understand marriage isn’t everything. I’ve seen girls centre their whole lives around their husband and kids without evolving their personalities and having other interests and that results in them seeking all their happiness from their husbands which is way too much pressure for the poor guy. I know you are a bright girl and won’t be like that but it’s just a reminder. You will get married when you are destined to be so. Allah knows when and where. Who knows you might find someone during your studies. Allah often gives us what we expect. So hope for the best. You’re only 21, enjoy life and things will come together. They always have, haven’t they? I promise you they will again. Good luck
You can be independent with another profession too. I’m just scared of what everyone would say if I left med or if I’d hate myself for it later in life
I want to be a doctor I just don’t know if I want to spend 6 years doing it. Everyone around me is so young and I feel inadequate like I don’t belong with them. I’m finding it hard to make friends with people in my course.
I think you should at least put some thought and planning in your life rather than leaving everything up to Allah. I have an Aunty who is unmarried and I don’t want to be like that. I would love some companionship and a family of my own in my life. I don’t know if I should prioritize that over this.
I plan everything in my life but there are contingency plans and plan Bs, why can’t you get married, engaged have BF during studies, growth is about putting up with uncomfortable situations. I know this young doctor she was married at 23 and the husband turned out to be impotent and she divorced him in a month. She had her degree to fall back on.
If you genuinely want to be a doctor then you will have to accept all the hardships that come with it. The 6 years and the life afterwards. If you want to excel then you need to bite the bullet and make friends. Try to connect with them in some way. I am sure they will be friendly towards you, I think it’s mostly you who is holding yourself back from meeting new people. Stop caring about what others think, this is your life and you need to have a stronger grasp on it. You will be the one looking back and reflecting on your time and what you did with it and you will be accountable for it as well.
I agree, thought should definitely be put into planning your life but with the effort you need to have faith that things will work out for the best. If you really want to get married soon then talk to your parents, meet people in the community and let them know you are looking for a guy and family that is okay with you continuing your studies after marriage. It will be tough to manage both but if the guy is supportive of your ambitions, it can be done. I am sure there are others that have gone through the marriage through med school path and have succeeded, some are even on this forum.
pursuit of medical science is a different animal then clinical practice of medicine. based on your ambivalence id say dont do it. Your priorities are very different from what the profession of medicine often requires.
kind of surprised at the age issue. Dont know what community you are referring to but in general marital age for both males and females has risen quite a bit around most of the world.
Western EU being at 30, USA females 27, males 30, Asia (japan, hong kong) females 29, males 32 … these numbers are out of pew research center … study conducted 2011 (so already old).
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Don’t give up on medicine I’d say not because you think you won’t get married after 25. If you really dislike the profession or think you can t do justice do it then maybe sit your parents down and let them know what you want to study. I understand you want to get married ,most people want to settle down at some stage. but 21,25,29 are all young and rishtas won’t dry up. And generally in the rishta setting a girl that is a doctor is highly wanted. And then most doctors graduate by 24-27 so you won’t be the only girl. Have confidence. 27 is not old.you can get engaged and once you 've finished get married . However medicine is lifelong commitment . So do really think about what you want. . Keep discussing your concerns with your mum. Despite what she says and rest assured that your parents are worried about your marriage and future too and want you to not have to give up one for the other. My honest advice is unless you hate medicine and think you will make a bad doctor ( and you claim your good at what your doing ) don’t give it up. Get engaged. 27 is not old and life is long . Maybe do ishtikhara. But don’t just leave .
Can’t you get engaged in the meanwhile? Doctor bahus are still a high demand and so many people opt for long engagements. I’m sure your parents are also concerned for your future and will start thinking about your proposals as soon as you hit the appropriate age.
Drop out of medical school. That’s the advice 2 other doctors gave you in this thread. I’m married to a doctor and have quite a few doctor friends (men and women), and it’s pretty obvious that you’re not up for the commitment it takes to be a doctor. If you don’t actually have a passion for practicing medicine and caring for patients, and you already know that it doesn’t align with your family goals, then you will be miserable. All the time, energy, and money you will spent doing this is worthless because it’s not going to bring any positivity into your life.
You don’t need your mommy’s permission to drop out. Your mother has lived her own life and made choices she felt was best for herself and her children. You are an adult. YOU need to make decisions that align with your future goals and the type of life you want for your own spouse/kids. It doesn’t sound like you have a emotional attachment to a particular profession so it’s not about what you “want” to be. Do some research and choose something that you can practice long term while still pursuing your ideal family life.
