I see this as a lack of self respect

[Paheli00]

Re: I see this as a lack of self respect

@ajuba

3. She doesn’t do tanay or stir up trouble but in pthe past she has done certain major things which demonstrated that she has no regard for me. Without going into the details she used me to to settle her other son abroad. So, my feeling towards her are that as she has no regard for me and as she put me through so much stress and so much strain on our marriage, why should I be nice to her? I just don’t have that capacity after her behaviour. 4) as to what goes round comes round etc I will never ever impose on my children in that way when I get older. I would rather be in an old peoples home staring at the walls.

1. OK, so I understand that in the past, she has done things to upset and disrespect you. But are you not able to forgive her? If she’s not currently doing any tanay or stirring up trouble, then why not forgive her for her past mistakes?

2. You should be nice to her b/c I’m sure that is how your mother and father would want you to be towards an elderly woman…especially when that woman is your MIL and the grandmother to your children (if you don’t have kids already, I’m assuming you plan on having a few). You should be nice to her b/c YOUR parents taught you better than to hold grudges and be disrespectful towards a family member.

3. As for the part in red…be careful what you wish for. When I was in high school, one summer I volunteered at a “retirement” home. I saw first hand how lonely those people were…especially the one whose spouse had already died. Would you be willing to put your own father or mother in a retirement home? Somehow I doubt that.

I’m a huge believer in teaching children values/morals by setting an example. Would you want your children to be disrespectful towards other people? Do you want to teach them that 2 wrong = 1 right? Do you want teach your children that they should not forgive and hold grudges? If the answer to any of the above is “no”…then start by practicing what you preach. I understand your MIL isn’t perfect but she doesn’t seem “horrible” either.

In your entire life, has your parents ever done anything to upset you? Has your husband ever done anything to upset you? Have you ever fought with a friend or had a friend who did something to upset you? Unless your parents, husband, friends etc. are all perfect…I’m sure many times in your life people have done things that made you upset, sad, angry etc…but you forgave them. When you married your husband…the MIL became your family. If she’s not currently causing any problems…then for the sake of your husband and children, forgive her and focus on the present.

BTW, the most important thing I haven’t seen you mention…have you calmly discussed how you feel with your husband? If so then what is his reaction? If not, then why not?