Re: I need help, advice.
I know someone in NY whose kid went to college and became marijuana addict. OMG, I think we should stop sending our kids to colleges.
PS: Please let her answer the question
Re: I need help, advice.
Why is your husband so little in the picture? You only mentioned him once in all this story (i.e he is reasonable). He is your best bet. Talk to him.
I am assuming that your kids are 18+ so no one can force things on them anyway (not even you). Do they want to go back to Pakistan and live there? I am guessing from the post that your in-laws are VERY well to do family (I guess some waideras from Sindh??). Life is not that hard for people with $$$$$$$$$ & connections in Pakistan. What does your kids say? Do they have any desire to give it a try or they will just flat our deny?
and finally, why are you so against it (other than they being not familiar to culture) ?
Our entire married life, my husband has been against living in Pakistan. AH, we have had a wonderful and fulfilling relationship. I have watched his parents slowly poison him against me, telling him how he has not raised his sons to take the family name, izzat etc.
When my inlaws visit Pakistan, people jeer at them, especially their own siblings mock them, and make snide remarks how their daughter in law is not from the family, caste, zaat, clan..whatever it is. People there tell them, the grandsons are the grandsons of the 'khandaan'.
I put my foot down many times over the years over many issues, and that included my inlaws wish for my daughters to live in Pakistan, for them to marry older wealthy men.
And you are asking me why i am against it?
Re: I need help, advice.
Did u read what she said about someone else's son who went back to Pakistan. He became a drug addict and womanizer. I think it's logical for OP to assume tht her son is not mature enough and doesn't want him to be influenced negatively by the wadera/zameendaar culture and also the immense wealth to go to his head. With grown kids they're intimidating her with 2nd wife, that too with the fact that she's the only one with sons. Imagine what they'd do if she as the outsider bahu had only daughters. They would've had a bahu imported from Pakistan a long time back. Anyway, op I can't think of anything other than keep ur husband on the same page as u, don't let him get influenced by his parents. And also keep having talks with ur son about the negatives of that culture. I think OP would have no problem with them visiting Pakistan if they didn't have the wierd wadera culture and immense wealth thing going on. If they had normal upper middle class relatives in pak maybe she wouldn't be too worried about sending her son. Btw if they do somehow force him to go for "a month" make sure u or ur husband go with him.
On a side note, I never understood the point of marrying someone to the Quran. Ok the point is so that she doesn't get her land inheritance, she just gets room and board and expenses whatever. But if the waderas/zameendaar r so ok with indulging in criminal activities, indebting families into enslavement, abusing women, mistreating farmers and making them slog, killing ppl over property disputes, killing ppl over ghaerat then who's forcing them to distribute the inheritance?? I mean if they can kill someone so that they won't inherit part of the wealth then why not just let them go run off marry whoever they want and live their life. I mean isn't it better to withhold someone's inheritance rather than refuse them the joy of a happily married life? Or even just the companionship u get from being married. This has just always irked me everytime I've read an article, watched a dram or a movie with this subject matter. I mean if ur going to be evil then atleast choose the lesser one and that too for ur sibling. It's usually the brothers who do this to their sisters right, or basically the male relatives. I really wonder how much money these ppl have that they go to such lengths for it. I mean if it's some exorbitant amount it can't be that bad divided by 4. Like they won't go bankrupt or something. The can probably still afford their havelis and pajeros and multiple wives and foreign vacations. But whatever! I just had to say all this.
This and more is exactly why.
My children may have been born and raised in the USA, but I like to think I raised them as good kids. They are excellent students, well mannered, they are not exceptional, but I feel AH, we did well.
My daughter is the oldest. My own MIL, my daughter's Dadi would not touch her own granddaughter as she was a 'female'. And my MIL is a medical doctor.
I kept my mouth shut over the years, but I put my foot down over the years too, for myself and for my children. I have been bataameez for my own self respect, and for the respect of my children. I wanted my daughters to learn to stand up for themselves, and not see their mother hounded and accused by lies.
My inlaws have called me names in front of my children, and my children have seen me stay quiet, My inlaws have called me other things, and my children have seen me answer and fight back.
My husband stood up for me many times, always fought for me. I won't deny that. Countless times he has told his parents to not push it. There have been very blissful periods.
Except now, things have changed ever so slightly. My inlaws are in ill health. They have retired. They are spending more time in Pakistan, they talk about dying, and how no-one will take care of the jaaidat, carry the name. I don't know if this has triggered something in my husband.
Re: I need help, advice.
Best way to break up loving Families is to have the next generation marry among their first cousins…the whole khandan as one may call it will be at each others throats!
I know three loving and caring brothers who out of sheer love for each others company while they were growing up, now are sworn enemies after their children inter married and then divorced!
marrying off children with first cousins just to keep the wealth in the family…not a good idea! :nono:
Plus probability of the third generation being totally retarded is very high!
Re: I need help, advice.
Looks like ur kids will be turned into zalim wadera or Chaudhary Hashmat like character if they go back into ur in laws.
I need help, advice.
Wow. I'm sorry but your MIL sounds crazy. Not touching her grand daughter because she is a girl? Disgusting. How does your husband feel about it?
I think you should talk to your sons and express these fears that you have to them. 16 and 18 year old boys are old enough to understand some of their mom's pain. Educate your sons and teach them the difference between right and wrong. Tell them what you expect from them, for example, not becoming a landlord or druggie in Pakistan.
Once you have educated them, even if they go to Pakistan, they will return back to the US and return to their normal lives.
Your sons are still young, so I doubt they'll be gettin married soon. When the time is right, they can choose their wife, even if from Pakistan and a cousin. If the cousin is good, then why not? Let your sons decide.
For now, let your sons come on your side and understand your fears and hesitations. Explain to them why you're afraid and about the jahil beliefs that your in laws hold, such as marrying the Quran! Tauba!