Salaam Everyone!
So I am in a little dilemma and I want to see if you guys can offer me some words of advice. Please try not to judge me.
I am the youngest in my family and have always been so sheltered and I guess “spoiled” that I never really understood how to make wise decisions for myself, as they were always made for me.
From my friends, to school, to my career, to dealing with relationships, I have always had guidance from my older siblings and family. I became so use to always being taken care of that I never learned how to be responsible or make any decisions for myself. I know this is my fault because I never really tried to learn, I always thought..Ok I will always have my family and I am going to be dependent on them to help me with all the decisions I need to make.
Now, because I was always sheltered and had everything handed to me, I never really had to struggle for anything and this made me take advantage of the freedom and trust my family had in me. I easily got myself into a large debt, made the wrong friends, and always got myself into stupid things and trouble. My family was very patient with me. They would get upset and forgive me and help me but I would kind of go back to square one with something else, well all this started from when I turned 21 till now.
Dont take me wrong, I love my family and I haven’t always hurt them or that I dont help out and all but I am easily influenced and have the tendency to go astray. I tried everything from turning to Islam to self-help books to talking to a friend but at the end of the day, I am still a very confused person who cannot make decisions for herself. I change my mind by the second, and I hate living like this. I even went to the doctor and they told me I have ADD and I even took medication for it but to me it felt so unreal to use medication to make myself feel better. I want it to come from within me.
Recently I have started to build resentment towards my family because my oldest sister has a say in everything that can or should not happen. She likes to control my life and that is fine because I owe it to her for everything she has done for me and up till a certain age, I was fine with her asking me where I got such and such from or how much did I spend on this, or where I am going and what I am doing or who I am talking to but now as we are growing older, I am starting to feel suffocated by her nature. I am 25 years old and I just dont think I need to ask her permission for everything or give her a hisab for anything. I earn as well and contribute all of my income to my household yet I am not allowed to spend my income at my discretion or go anywhere without asking for permission, which is fine, I dont mind asking for permission at all but in my household my sister likes to inquire about everything and sometimes makes it a big deal that I am going out to have coffee twice in a week with friends and not spending time with the family or that I can’t make plans with my friends on a Fri and a sat in a row or that I cannot spend such and such here. I think as I am growing older, our personalities are clashing and her nature is driving me crazy. My parents are easily influenced by her because she is oldest in the house and because she is wise and she has been a 100% devoted daughter to my parents. Me on the other hand, I am devoted to helping my parents and being there for them but I am selfish in the sense that I like to look out for myself too. I want to be able to help my parents and keep them happy but I can’t devote my whole life to them.
Recently, we had an argument in the house because I had mentioned earlier in one of my posts that my mom didn’t want me the youngest to get married before the oldest but I was tired of waiting and was getting frustrated because I am not young anymore and all my friends are married and any rishtas that would come for me, my mom would turn them down because culturally she does not believe in the youngest one getting married before the oldest. I was at a point that I really wanted to get out of my house because my sister was trying to run my life for me. I thought getting married would be the best solution to get out that situation and I found someone that I later decided not to pursue. However, this didn’t stop me from speaking up in the house and asking my parents to consider getting me married before my other sisters. I know you should never get married just to run away from problems but I am at a point where If I dont get out of my house, I am afraid I will keep disappointing my family, and I think once I get married I can start over. My intention was to handle this process in a very calm manner, however, I ended up being very disrespectful and threatening my parents that I would leave the house. (I would realistically never even have the guts to do that.) The next day I felt bad and I cried and I apologized to my parents and they forgave me and we have been fine ever since but I can still sense that they are hurting inside. My sisters have not spoken one word to me and are treating me like a stranger because they felt that I was out of line with them and my parents after everything that they have done for me. I still hold true to my statement about my parents getting me married if I find a guy for myself regardless of my older sister being married or not. I dont want to beg and apologize to my sisters to talk to me because I have done that all my life after all the mistakes I have made and I am kind of relieved that they are not talking to me because I feel like I have some breathing room bc for the first time no one is all up in my business questioning me about things.
What I want advice is on how can I make myself more mature, calm, and wise? I know it comes with time and experience but apparently in my case it does not hold true. I also want to know how I can make it up to my parents because I genuinely feel bad about the way I disrespected them.
Lastly, is it wrong to not want to be the 100% devoted daughter and always think about your family. Can I not fit my family as one piece of my life and also care about myself? Is that really being too selfish?
Please help me.