so heres the thing, we just moved to a bigger more expensive place than where we were before, moving has always been stressfull but this time the bigger problem is that my husband is out of a job, … still thats not the biggest problem.. the problem is that due to frustration or i dont know y, my happy go lucky best friend type husband has totally lost it.. he is not talking, not smiling.. the kids are trying to talk to him. i have tried every thing.. talking to him.. being nice, being angry, being supportive.. all he keeps saying is that " this is what i am from now" as if he has decided to grow up over night. i do realise that there is a high chance that this might be a phase and should resolve, but its been a week and i personally know of ppl who turned into these weird boring ppl after they got married.. i cant seem to break this weird mood hes in and it makes me cry all day long.. i feel like i am living with him but losing him. we are practically like roomates.. the worst part is that there isnt even a fight, there are no loud conversations or screaming or ne thing… he has just decided to turn into those " typical pakistani husbands" who order u and then leave.. i am going crazy,we have been married 7 years and he has always been the BEST partner ne one could ask for.. ?? WHAT should i do?
Re: i need advice And support :'(
may be he is anxious...anxious as how to break the 'news' to you...check his call and text msgs logs. good luck.
Re: i need advice And support :'(
Help him find a job, that may lower the stress enough so you can communicate about other possible issues.
The quiet part is where he may have worries, anger, frustration, depression, doubt that he does not want to burden anyone with. The ordering part is that it is one aspect of his life he has control over.
How can you help? Help get him out and about, so being social can lighten his mood. Have an sit down conversation on plan if action A, B , C and how you can help.
Sometimes guys also make it an issue of self worth and respect and will not tell people they lost their job, while the exact opposite is needed by spreading the word so people can help.
Maybe you can even ask people here, what does he do, what city are you in, etc, maybe someone is in the same field and can point you guys to some opportunity.
Re: i need advice And support :'(
thanks for all the advice, yeah this self worth is i think the major issue, my siblings and parents all are asking for his resume but he just refuses to send it to them.. ke" mei khod ker longa"
Please send me a message if you want, don't have to give any specific info like name, university name, business's name but generic
Eg ERP consultant, 10 years experience, most recent work at major US based system integrator, located in Dallas, highest degree MS in comp sci from a top 40 public university.
If I can help, I will. I can relate, I was him 5/6 years ago, had not lost a job but felt it was around the corner and inevitable. What I wrote is what I felt. luckily for me parents came to visit and Ramadan started so had parents emotional support and the months spiritual uplifting that got me out of that funk.
That 'mei khud karlonga' has part self esteem and part.. Can u really help me or are you trying to be helpful but can't actually help. Also, if people have not helped in past then one can be skeptical of it. Last, people don't want others knowing because of the supposed stigma of job loss. But it happens... The focus should be not on any of that but on landing the right gig
Re: i need advice And support :'(
I would sit him down and talk to him about how his current change in moods is making you feel. Make him know that you guys are a team and he will get through it. Things happen in life that can stress us out but I'm sure a better job will come out it. He just needs to be positive and the best thing you can do is be his support system and offer to help him any way you can. You're going to have to his support right now as he needs it, so no more crying. :) Just try to stay optimistic and he will pick up on that. Maybe even spend some alone time with him and do some relaxing activities - even just going for an evening walk will help him clear his mind.
When he's willing to - ask him to send his resume along to people who you know can help him find a better job. He just needs to get out there again and I'm sure he'll be fine.
Re: i need advice And support :'(
I personally think that a man needs some space as he goes through difficult times. That doesn't mean you should leave him alone but try not to force him into doing anything what you think he may not get into. Just let him be for a while and stick with him .. let him know that you will be there for him anytime he needs you. Do not try an talk about the job issue as much as you can, not even tell him about the different job offers that your friends and family are telling you.. that will only make things worst. As for what you are describing, he seems not to rely on others help when in difficult time but rather find the solution him self. Appreciate him for this trait of his so when he finally finds the solution Insha Allah, he will realize that even thou he did not ask anyone for help, there was you who stood by him supporting his values and he will realize that your support became the greatest help there could be and will respect you for respecting him!.
Re: i need advice And support :'(
Well, he is out of a job and paying more mortgage than before. Besides, 7 years is a typical time when people turn like that. My husband did too. Keep talking to him and help find him a job. Look for Monster on him and/ or use your networks if possible.
Re: i need advice And support :'(
Issue is not him, issue is the person who wants this bigger house even when this poor guy doesn't have a job to support it.
Why women act dumb sometimes ??
Re: i need advice And support :'(
the difference in mortgage is probably not the bulk of all expenses.
The worries are financial.. i.e. how long will it take to find a job, will I take anything? what is the impact on career progression?
then it goes to, how much savings will I burn through until I find something, how long will it take to get it back to where it is today.
Losing a job is tough, its tougher when there are more people depending on you and more obligations.
Re: i need advice And support :'(
For people job loss is as big as losing a close member of family. It can send anyone into deep depression. Specially if you do not have much saving to pay for all the ongoing expenses.
More than two years ago I lost my job. After a very long period of good employment history. I had substantial savings, a big network of caring friends and family, I am a regular contributor on GS therefore I have a long list of friends and well wishers in these forms too.
My company gave me a generous severance package. They also paid a topnotch job search firm to help me find a job.
In spite of all the above I went into a mourning period over my job loss because that layoff was still a blow to my ego.I shared my story here on GS many folks here tried their best to get me a job.
I shared my story with all my friends and family and posted my resume on all the job search websites. I changed my status on LinkedIn to looking for my new challange. Within few weeks I started getting interviews and a few job offers. I was still under stress and stil choosy about which offer to go for.
After two months I got a good consulting gig. I worked there for nine months then one of my former bosses who is in my LinkedIn contacted me with a job offer which I could not refuse. I have been working there for more than a year I love this job and my peers , juniors, superiors love me here.
Morale of the story?
Your husband's behavior is all normal and natural . He needs lot of love , caring and help. If he is not reaching out to others to find a job you can take that role. You can share his resume with the whole world. In this day and age it is so easy to apply for jobs across the 7 seas.
If you like you can share his resume with me which can help me advise better.
X2 above has offered to help in one of the posts above take that up he is well connected . He was one of those from GS who tried to help me.
Re: i need advice And support :'(
Your husband sounds like he's depressed. Because he's a a guy he's been programmed to think he can't express his emotions in a traditional manner. He probably wants to and has more of a reason but can't cry all day like you.
I honestly don't think there's much you can do for him. You are definitely not emotionally equipped to help him out and I think a professional therapist would be better to talk to him. But yeah it'll be a challenge to get him the help you seek voluntarily.
At worst case scenario you throw out the ultimatum that he needs to go or your marriage is ending (it's still to soon for that) and in the meantime stop bringing up the job thing because he's feeling like a failure and you bringing it up is going to make it worse.
Re: i need advice And support :'(
Thanks everyone once again for ur support specially x2 and mirch.. yeah it did end up just being stress.. tho we are still looking for work, he cooled down in a couple of days.. even felt bad and apologized.. i wish i could be of some help.. i would really appreciate if u guys could pray for us for the things to get settled soon inshAllah.. i feel like hes falling ill and that's irreversible.. :'(
Re: i need advice And support :'(
may be he is anxious...anxious as how to break the 'news' to you...check his call and text msgs logs. good luck.
Kabhi moonh se koi achhi baat na nikaalna
Re: i need advice And support :'(
Kabhi moonh se koi achhi baat na nikaalna
kiuN jii, kia maiN ne achchhii baat kahne kaa Thekaa le rakkhaa hai?...aap log haiN na Life-1 meN achchhii achchhii aur meeThii meeThii baateN karne ke liye! :)
Re: i need advice And support :'(
don't be overburduning ,
remain supportive and polite
its a phase will be over soon InshaAllah