I love my relatives but ......

Lifestyle Relationships
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I love my relatives - my chachus, chachiz, mameens, khalas, khaluz etc. and specially adore my cousins but i hate the habit of poking in every-business-of-ours habit of theirs. We dont give a damn what any one is wearing on the upcoming wedding, we dont care what pay their son/daughter is getting, we dont care how much the set cost that they gave their bahu, we dont care how many dresses their bahu’s family gave them, we dont care which girls/boys they are seeing for rishtas, we dont care which class they child is, which school he goes to, which designation he she is in, when their child got a hair cut, from where they got their curtains, their shoes, their dresses — OHHH WHAT EVER! There is just way too much of interference. I love these khalas of mine a lot but they are all the time asking mama about one thing or the other, my mama being the normal sweet person she is tells every thing they ask because she is unable to escape out of such direct questioning. When i started to feel this aspect, i backed off a little and stopped telling many things. Thats when my cousins and khalas on and off started saying that i love to hide things, i am secretive etc. etc. which i am not, it was only the generic things. They would ask me to show my dress i am wearing on my cousin’s mehendi - i dont want to show it, like every one else’s i’d like mine to be a surprise too, why dont they show their own daughter’s clothes. Questioning is also so direct, if my brother’s susral is at a place and some one from their family did not by chance meet them they would directly question my mother why did they not us, was there any issue? Huh! How in the world would my mother know, they couldve been busy, afterall it was their family function! Why was their no raita there, can they not afford it .. what ever people! If we do tell the answers, many a times they are used to point-marofy us later some time. Such nitty gritty details and questions put me off suddenly but then we all take in things because of our parents. People love poking their noses in every one else’s matter. Although, they are nice people, i love them and we really really enjoy with them, this habit of theirs is really irritating for us.

I know many of you would suggest that i be blunt and reply back rudely or politely - thats just not possible, we all have a frank relation but this wouldnt be possible, this is what we have been taught ever since that we should never reply back to elders.Also,cutting off etc and such options are just out of the league options because you know how closely knit we Desi families are.

How do you people tackle with such open remarks and such direct questioning?

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Re: I love my relatives but …

you simply ignore the remarks i.e. dont take em to heart and … when it comes to questioning .. just do as they say ‘turn the tables on them’’ without answering the question if its not possible .. fire awway a question in return but yes politely .. and if u can answer a question .. and answering mein aap ki shaan mein kami nahi aati to …agar hoti hai to .. otherwise ..most of the time u ignore.

ps. we should not complain about our families or relatives .. its against adab o ikhlaq.. and if its getting outa hand .. which i doubt ..cos this kinda thing is in nearly every desi family .. then you should talk to an elder ..and express ur views to them and they can handle the sittuation even if they have to answer back .. but if u anser back then even relatives turn against you and ur family esp the parents that in ko adab nahi sikhaaya iss k walidain ne ..

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Re: I love my relatives but …

Your first sentence made me laugh.

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Re: I love my relatives but …

Where is the love ? lalal

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Oh come on you dont hate your relatives over small family things. You do feel irritated & pissed over it.

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Re: I love my relatives but …

Seriously, if you really love your family so much, there is nothing you can do abt it.. after all you love them with their bad habits or ? Beside, this is normal desi behavior.. so just sit back and relax :slight_smile:

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I highlighted the bits from your post that I found interesting.

I can relate to the “You’re hiding, you’re secretive” accusation. Let me give you an example. We were visiting Pak six years ago and my cousin outright asked me “Pay kitni milti hai” (How much do you earn?) I POLITELY told her “Not much”…didn’t give her a number. Well, my cousin didn’t let it go at just that. She couldn’t take the hint that I didn’t want to talk about it. Instead she tried to make ME feel guilty by saying **“Tum chupati ho.” **Well, it’s my business and I have a right to be tight-lipped about it. I don’t go around asking my relatives how much money they make. I’ve never asked my dad or brother about their salaries either.

^But you know what? The particular cousin that I mentioned in the example above is VERY COMPETITIVE…VERY INSECURE. It’s so obvious to not only me…but others as well. In fact after, our recent trip to Pakistan (last year)…we were a bit shocked by the tactless comments that she made outloud where she was comparing herself to others. I even asked her why she’s so competitive…she didn’t have an answer. She’ll compete about salary…whose skin is fairer…who is thinner…who posesses this or that item, what have you.

^The competition arises from insecurity. It’s obvious. Your relatives making comments such as “Couldn’t you afford the raita?” is clearly an insult. I know that the desi culture back home can be “free” and “baytakalluf” to the point that relatives back home won’t hesitate to ask you personal questions. But I have even seen relatives who have lived in the US for years…and who have a better idea of manners…but still freely brag about how much money their children/son-in-law makes…and how they gifted someone a “Coach” purse"

What is the need to go into all these details? Simple…it’s called “showing off” and the root cause is insecurity. It’s this insecurity which causes the competition…and it’s the competition which makes relatives ask every detail about your personal life. Trust me…I’ve seen it and I recognize it. And I recognize the showing off/competition in your post. When your relatives share details about grades, designations, ranks, how much money was given, etc etc…it usually (not always) is about showing off.

**How do you deal with this? **Well, it’s not fair for your cousins to expect you to tell them what you’re wearing when they themselves are keeping it a surprise. If they’re not playing fair, why do you feel guilty about not sharing things with them? You’re not obligated to share information. OMG…is it really a big deal to be called “secretive”??? It’s not a curse word. In fact, I’ve learned (THE HARD WAY) that it’s better to be secretive about some things. The more information about your personal life you reveal to competitive people…the greater the chances for them to screw you over behind your back in some way. Being secretive is a way for you to monitor what comes out ofyour mouth and it can serve as protection.

“Secretive” is not a curse word. Don’t let it get to you. Simply stay calm, be polite, but stick to your guns. If you don’t feel like sharing…don’t. Brush off their questions with vague and broad answers like **“Oh, I’m not sure yet.” “I haven’t bought it yet” …“I haven’t decided yet.” **

If they ask how much you make…say, "Alhudmolillah, I make enough." If they repeat the question…REPEAT THE SAME ANSWER. If they ask again…KEEP REPEATING the same answer. Eventually they’ll back off.

If they ask about your grades…say** “Oh I did well.”** If they keep pushing…give the same response with a smile. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

************ **The reason why your relatives keep bugging with your questions is you and your mom always give into them. This encourages them. If you continue to CALMLY show that you won’t always give details…they will eventually stop expecting them…and their questions will also decrease.

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Re: I love my relatives but …

^ I know it’s a long post but it’s an issue that aggravates me as well.

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Re: I love my relatives but …

Yep, give vague answers and if they say “tum chapati ho”, be like, look we’re not that close for me to be disclosing that info to you and it really doesn’t impact your life.

That’s if you don’t want to share the information. With my previous job, people asked me how much I made, but that’s becuase it was a teaching job, and nearly half the ladies in my family were teachers, and so some were interested in comparing salaries to overseas because they’re thinking of immigrating. So yeah, fine, I’m no longer a teacher and I don’t mind telling you about my experiences. But my current job, heck no, I’m not telling anyone anything. I make crap anyway at this point and will be making crap for some years so it doesn’t make a difference to anyone anyway.

But I get the feeling that people in Pakistan sometimes don’t know what average salaries are of stuff. My uncle once told me - isn’t your individual avg salary in the US 100,000 per year?

And I was like…um…no…

Maybe the avg household salary comes close to that ( I doubt it…) but not individual salaries…

I was like, for many 100,000 is on the higher end of things, and sure there are salaries that go much higher, but its a minority of Americans who make that kind of money on an individual salary. Maybe if people have like 2 or 3 jobs, sure they might make 100,000 total…

I don’t know. I find it amusing how Pakistanis think we’re all rolling in oil or something.

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Re: I love my relatives but …

I haven’t tried this response before, but I might test it out in the future. The next time a nosey person asks about personal details (salary, etc)…I might chuckle and ask “And how would knowing these intimate details about me impact your life? I’d ask you the same question, but I know that such knowledge won’t affect me in any way.”

I think that if you put on a friendly smile, you can get away with it…or make it seem less harsh.

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In my case…my cousin in Pak didn’t teach. She tutored kids in her home. I was a teacher at that time. Perhaps she was trying to either compare the difference in teacher salaries for Pak and the US…or she was trying to find out how much more I make in comparison to her. If it’s the latter…then common sense should tell a person that an actual teacher (irrespective of geographical location) would in most cases make more than a tutor.

If it’s the former and she was trying to figure out the general difference between teacher salaries between the two countries…then she could have worded her question differently. Instead of asking “How much do you make?” She could have asked in a more sneaky but proper way…“Do you think there would be a great difference in teacher salaray between Pak and the US?”

I’ve had an aunt…ask me the same question. She was visiting the US (for the second time) from Pak. I was in the patio with her…and she asked me how much I made. I told her “Not much”…she pushed again and asked “Phi bhi…kitni milti hai?”…gave her the same response. She finally got it and backed off.

^This happened years ago…it was my first teaching job. And what irks me is that she tried to push the question a SECOND time. And the other thing that irks me is that she tried to take advantage of the fact that I was alone with her in the patio. If my parents were there…she would know better than to ask me such a question. She thought that since my parents weren’t around…that I’d be naive enough to tell her. In my opinion she was trying to see if a TEACHER made more money than her own son. Oh the competition.

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Re: I love my relatives but …

There are few people who do genuinely ask questions for general info or tell things just because they are happy or excited, not necessarily competition or envy…etc…but yeah that may be the minority.

The worst ever situation I faced was the jinaza of my daddi ammi (dad’s mom) in a gaon (village). I went to visit her in Pak, but unfortuantely she passed before we met. I am already emotionally distraught obviously because of my loss & shock of culture there…and some people had the nerve to interview me while we were supposed to be praying. It was ridiculous enough for you talk to to me about crazy stuff while AT THE JINAZA…the dead body wasn’t even buried yettt!!! But they had the nerve to ask me how much my parents make there…do I know how to read namaz…do I wear mini skirts…I was just too shocked to even give them a nasty remark or reply or something. I just ignored & finally told them my house #, please call & ask my parents all these questions..Alhumdulillah we are better muslims than you and have better manners then you to sit at a funeral & talk smack like that.

Thankfully my phupho & cousin noticed and pulled me away from the crazies who kept coming after me…for a while I disliked paki based on people like this (they weren’t even close family but still)…Distant relatives drove me nuts with this type of nonsense too.

Another issue was the comparison…people just wantedd to have info from me to talk about my family/cousins here in the US. How are so & so’s daughter’s behavior…did you hear about this guy cousin heard he is…blah blah blah…all i said is i have no clue…
otherwise it would have turned into "Afro-sheen said…with mirch masala…

I never ever wanted to go back again without my parents or brothers…jeez

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Thanks RV,

I try to avoid such questions by displacing the topic some where else but my mother is too sweet to be able to escape of such direct questioning & commenting. It disturbs me why people intervene so much. Some times its for generic information but some times when they get into nitty gritty details its obvious they are trying to judge or conclude some thing. My father’s side doesnt get into specs but via some general family talk they came to know me & siblings salary and guess what? We even got to hear about that same amount number from relatives living abroad some where ..“Oh My God, falaan falaaan masha Allah makes this much money!” .. Firstly, dont ask. If you do get to know some family’s personal details, keep them to yourself. I am a firm believer of Nazar Lagna and such comments scare me really! Its not really about salaries or grades but its every thing - Why did my brother’s susral walas not send suits to us, why did she not bring this item in the jahaiz .. Its annoying! Me & my siblings hate such money minded talks. We ourselves dont want my brother’s in laws to be gifting stuff to our entire tabbar. Why the extra expenditure for the larki-walaz just to make our relatives happy? We are happy and thats what all matters. They even notice what kind of clothes the susraleez were wearing, what quality gifts they gave, how they behaved with each of us, why falaan falaan uncle wasnt too participative. My brother’s in laws wanted a simple function and they told us that and when we came back from the function what we heard was can they not afford some thing better? Even if they were or werent why SAY such things. People love to open the pendora box in front so that such negative views come in our mind too. Till now such comments do not make a difference to me or my family, but if they keep going on i know these will put negative ideas in our heads.

They are well educated people and such extra criticism and intervention shouldnt be happening because we dont do it. Never have we asked what their son earns. We dont care! But why do people care so much what my parents or we are doing, what we eat, what we wear. You are right RV, its all competition in the end. people who take too much interest in other’s life, no matter how nice they may be, that aspect in their nature remains. They dont take this much interest in other relative’s life - Its competition with our studies, our looks, our earnings and prosperity which pinches them and they try to know more about it!

Ive told my mother all this and she said she doesnt like the direct commenting/questioning as well and we should limit it out a bit and reply to such questions simply as “allah ka shukar alhamdullilah”.. “I dont know really, falaan falaan paid for this” and such vague comments. I hope it will put an end to this!

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Listen, just keep doing what you’re doing. Try what RV suggested. Give vague, but polite answers. Try to change the subject. It is no one’s business but your own. Heck, even Allah SWT has mentioned several times in the Quran that we should worry about ourselves and leave everyone else to HIM.

But understand this. The aggravation won’t end here. As you’ve already seen, if you don’t give them the information they want, then they’ll start talking about you, accuse you of being “secretive” as if it’s one of the original deadly sins, maybe even cause a whole lot of trouble and family feuding over it. And it will probably hurt. I’ve gone through this myself…I don’t like sharing every last detail of my life. And I’ve paid the consequences of it. But I’ve also reaped a lot of rewards in the form of a close knit circle of friends and family who respect my space, a peaceful and happy life, an awesome marriage, and a whole lot of other things, Alhamdullillah, including very few people butting themselves in where they’re not wanted. I’d say that’s a pretty generous exchange.

Good luck!

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Re: I love my relatives but …

The people you mentioned sound very similar to my dad’s side of the family. They want to know everything. What time do you sleep, when do you wake up, where you shop, where do you buy your clothes from, how did you make your hairstyle, when are you getting married, who will you be marrying?! Really it gets more stupid than this. I find it annoying. At times I want to turn around and say something harsh but then I refrain myself. I guess if you stay quiet they don’t stop so now i’m waiting for someone to bring the shadi topic again and i’ll give them a piece of my mind. I’m not a budhi yet. I haven’t completed my studies and marriage wasn’t the sole purpose I came to this world for. Jis ne shadi kerni hai kerle mujhe kyun sab tang kerte hain. Yes i’ll be telling them that :snooty:

My advice to the poster is give people a bitter reply and they will stop asking. Some girl used to be bugged by the elders all the time ( at weddings) saying " you’re next" so at funerals she started telling the same aunties " anty you’re next" and they stopped :omg:

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The best way is to answer a question by a question…

Question: “Aapki salary kitni hai??”

Answer: Why do you want to know?

…Its a decent way of letting people know, I’m not interested to answer your question.

I’ve been asked these questions back home…What time do you sleep, when do you wake up, where you shop, where do you buy your clothes from…

Most of the times relatives just want to know your lifestyle in the west…

and sometimes its about status.
Status is something like this …“When you buy things you dont need; with the money you dont have; to impress people you dont like”. If you remember this definition, you wont feel that bad, when someone is asking you these questions.

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Re: I love my relatives but …

the best thing to do is give a different answer to the questions they asked,e.g. if they ask what colour dress you are planning to wear insted of saying red say blue,if youre going somewhere for 9:00 give either a later or earlier time soon they will get the hint ,thats what I do with super nosy people,the look on their face is priceless when they see you .

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^LOL, I like! They’ll stop bugging you if they can’t count on your responses. Although that might give the impression that you can’t be trusted or depended upon for more serious issues.