I highlighted the bits from your post that I found interesting.
I can relate to the "You're hiding, you're secretive" accusation. Let me give you an example. We were visiting Pak six years ago and my cousin outright asked me "Pay kitni milti hai" (How much do you earn?) I POLITELY told her "Not much"...didn't give her a number. Well, my cousin didn't let it go at just that. She couldn't take the hint that I didn't want to talk about it. Instead she tried to make ME feel guilty by saying **"Tum chupati ho." **Well, it's my business and I have a right to be tight-lipped about it. I don't go around asking my relatives how much money they make. I've never asked my dad or brother about their salaries either.
^But you know what? The particular cousin that I mentioned in the example above is VERY COMPETITIVE...VERY INSECURE. It's so obvious to not only me...but others as well. In fact after, our recent trip to Pakistan (last year)....we were a bit shocked by the tactless comments that she made outloud where she was comparing herself to others. I even asked her why she's so competitive....she didn't have an answer. She'll compete about salary....whose skin is fairer....who is thinner...who posesses this or that item, what have you.
^The competition arises from insecurity. It's obvious. Your relatives making comments such as "Couldn't you afford the raita?" is clearly an insult. I know that the desi culture back home can be "free" and "baytakalluf" to the point that relatives back home won't hesitate to ask you personal questions. But I have even seen relatives who have lived in the US for years...and who have a better idea of manners........but still freely brag about how much money their children/son-in-law makes....and how they gifted someone a "Coach" purse"
What is the need to go into all these details? Simple.....it's called "showing off" and the root cause is insecurity. It's this insecurity which causes the competition....and it's the competition which makes relatives ask every detail about your personal life. Trust me........I've seen it and I recognize it. And I recognize the showing off/competition in your post. When your relatives share details about grades, designations, ranks, how much money was given, etc etc...........it usually (not always) is about showing off.
**How do you deal with this? **Well, it's not fair for your cousins to expect you to tell them what you're wearing when they themselves are keeping it a surprise. If they're not playing fair, why do you feel guilty about not sharing things with them? You're not obligated to share information. OMG.....is it really a big deal to be called "secretive"?????????? It's not a curse word. In fact, I've learned (THE HARD WAY) that it's better to be secretive about some things. The more information about your personal life you reveal to competitive people.............the greater the chances for them to screw you over behind your back in some way. Being secretive is a way for you to monitor what comes out ofyour mouth and it can serve as protection.
"Secretive" is not a curse word. Don't let it get to you. Simply stay calm, be polite, but stick to your guns. If you don't feel like sharing...don't. Brush off their questions with vague and broad answers like *"Oh, I'm not sure yet." "I haven't bought it yet" ...."I haven't decided yet." *
If they ask how much you make........say, "Alhudmolillah, I make enough." If they repeat the question.........REPEAT THE SAME ANSWER. If they ask again......KEEP REPEATING the same answer. Eventually they'll back off.
If they ask about your grades.....say** "Oh I did well."** If they keep pushing.......give the same response with a smile. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
************ **The reason why your relatives keep bugging with your questions is you and your mom always give into them. This encourages them. If you continue to CALMLY show that you won't always give details....they will eventually stop expecting them....and their questions will also decrease.
Thanks RV,
I try to avoid such questions by displacing the topic some where else but my mother is too sweet to be able to escape of such direct questioning & commenting. It disturbs me why people intervene so much. Some times its for generic information but some times when they get into nitty gritty details its obvious they are trying to judge or conclude some thing. My father's side doesnt get into specs but via some general family talk they came to know me & siblings salary and guess what? We even got to hear about that same amount number from relatives living abroad some where .."Oh My God, falaan falaaan masha Allah makes this much money!" .. Firstly, dont ask. If you do get to know some family's personal details, keep them to yourself. I am a firm believer of Nazar Lagna and such comments scare me really! Its not really about salaries or grades but its every thing - Why did my brother's susral walas not send suits to us, why did she not bring this item in the jahaiz .. Its annoying! Me & my siblings hate such money minded talks. We ourselves dont want my brother's in laws to be gifting stuff to our entire tabbar. Why the extra expenditure for the larki-walaz just to make our relatives happy? We are happy and thats what all matters. They even notice what kind of clothes the susraleez were wearing, what quality gifts they gave, how they behaved with each of us, why falaan falaan uncle wasnt too participative. My brother's in laws wanted a simple function and they told us that and when we came back from the function what we heard was can they not afford some thing better? Even if they were or werent why SAY such things. People love to open the pendora box in front so that such negative views come in our mind too. Till now such comments do not make a difference to me or my family, but if they keep going on i know these will put negative ideas in our heads.
They are well educated people and such extra criticism and intervention shouldnt be happening because we dont do it. Never have we asked what their son earns. We dont care! But why do people care so much what my parents or we are doing, what we eat, what we wear. You are right RV, its all competition in the end. people who take too much interest in other's life, no matter how nice they may be, that aspect in their nature remains. They dont take this much interest in other relative's life - Its competition with our studies, our looks, our earnings and prosperity which pinches them and they try to know more about it!
Ive told my mother all this and she said she doesnt like the direct commenting/questioning as well and we should limit it out a bit and reply to such questions simply as "allah ka shukar alhamdullilah".. "I dont know really, falaan falaan paid for this" and such vague comments. I hope it will put an end to this!
