Re: I just hate myself sometimes …
If you cannot speak to him write to him in a letter format as to what you like and do not like about his and his attitude. His attitude has created a metal block in your psyche and you will never be able to speak to him about what is truly in your mind. One important thing in a nurturing family environment is that everybody should be open and frank to express their feelings truly. Since this is lacking at your home your only recourse is to present them in writing . He might open up too and things might get better after this.
The problem you and he has , has been swept under the rug this way. You and him do not have a parental bond. To you he is just a provider and to him you are his responsibility. A family relationship is much more than that. You and him shaking hands did not resolve the issue that he does not express his true feelings nicely. You want him to know how you feel about his outbursts and lack of expression of love and care verbally . Also you do not like his way of expressing his anger. But you are not able to tell him that. It is not good , he should know all that and in simple terms. Unless he knows that he is doing something wrong he will not change. As I said above , you can start by writing all this in a letter to him and this might result in that special , father daughter bond.