After my engagement there have been many problems – although not direct but both families have concerns on their ends. For me, my fiancé is fine to go forward with it. Although there are some things that pinch me but I know adjustments are required in any marriage whether I marry him or someone else, compromises will be required anyway so why not go for the best choice.
My father has some problems with attitude with some of the members of their family and the dealings that have been so far. I try to show the positive side of people and ignore the wrong even though I am aware of it. So now yesterday, my father mentioned the wrongs in their family. He was basically discussing with my mother and in an aggressive manner. I of course got insecure and scared because I am okay going with it even though there are problems.
I had to speak up in front of my father. I hate the feeling – one because I know he is crazy for me and would do anything to make me happy and I spoke in front of him. Secondly, I feel awkward talking about a guy in front of him; I have a relation of hesitancy with him in which I don’t like being open about these things and he too feels uncomfortable. But I spoke up, said some things bluntly – showed their good side and HIS good side. I was straight forward in pointing out wrong and was a little rude too. I feel so miserable now that I spoke up in front of him and that too regarding my to-be-in laws and to-be-husband.
He will be 100% happy if he sees me happy. He isn’t all the more satisfied but I know there is a lot of good in the scenario along with the little negatives that are there every time. I need to show him I am happy but I** too** am confused of many things. How can I act happy when lots of thinking is going on in my mind too and I have that fear of the unknown too and I too am insecure of the future.
What is making me feel miserable is that I broke the shyness & hesitancy or the parda I had with my father regarding these things. It made our relation pure and just had a lot of respect. I feel I broke that and just disrespected him. Is it something wrong I did? I don’t want to discuss it again ever with him and I don’t want to apologize for it either because that would bring up the topic again. I need to ensure myself and him that id be happy but I can’t ensure it in any way since there exist a lot of uncertain scary probabilities in the matter. I don’t have enough frankness with my fiancé as well to let him know my fears or what my family is scared of. Its just a very uncertain matter!
Don't ignore your instincts, they are trying to tell you something. you say yourself that there are some things that pinch you, take another look at what it really is thats pinching you.
I will just say don't ignore what your dad is saying. You said he wants the best for you and i am sure no parent would take away from your happiness. If he is pointing out those things i am sure it is out of genuine concern and nothing else. If you feel he is being very sensitive then you let him know that. There is no need to feel bad about being open with your own father. Let him know that every relationship needs time and patience to prosper so you guys need to give it that.
Don't ignore your instincts. Yes it's that nagging voice inside your head. Just because you want something to happen doesn't always mean it should. I know, easier said than done. Usually "issues" which pop before marriage during the engagement period only get worse after marriage. Right now they might just be between the families, and not specifically between you and him. But its inevitable that sooner or later the couple gets impacted too.
I was in a very similar situation. It was an arranged marriage but my fiance and I got to know each other after engagement period. My parents expressed some concerns after the engagement period and I spoke up too because I thought that my fiance and I were compatible/happy etc and that those issues could be universal in any rishta..unfortuantely after the wedding those issues got a thousand times worse...and I couldnt even say anything to parents as I was the one who stood up for in laws behaviour etc in the first place. Whatever ur gut instinct is saying and whatever ur parents are saying, its better to anaylse the situation now. Does your dad have fair grounds for what he is saying? I am sure he is only raising the issue because he wants to see you happy and well cared for. If you can see your dads point of view then try not to ignore it just because you really want this to happen. Only you know the situation best but just my 2 cents worth, May Allah guide you.
I agree 100% with Skhan - no matter how close the couple, if there are issues already present between families before wedding, they tend to multiply after the wedding and inevitably impact couple...
Yeah what's wrong in showing that you like your fiancé ?
and if you feel that what he says is wrong then you should say it, he'll know that he shouldn't talk like this about your future inlaws, at least not in front of you, because a good father would like his daughter to respect her inlaws so he's not making a good start by telling bad things about them even if they're true.
if you're at least more comfortable with your mother, maybe tell her to explain to him that he shouldn't say such things in front of you because it shouldn't influence you on the way you see your inlaws, you need to maintain a healthy relationship with them, and at the same time you don't want to create an argument with your dad.
you should be more open about those things, no reason why you have to maintain any parda, he's your father and he needs to know how you feel.
your relationship with him will be easier if you open up with him, trust me.
I agree 100% with Skhan - no matter how close the couple, if there are issues already present between families before wedding, they tend to multiply after the wedding and inevitably impact couple...
please don't give her any negative advice... the girl just got engaged, she needs to know how to balance her relationship with parents and inlaws, and it's not easy at all, there are always some sort of issues between families, you have to learn to deal with them not run away.
it really depends on what the lil issues are.... maybe they're just that...little issues that really everyone has to face ...maybe they have the potential to become huge...
its something the OP needs to evaluate on her own...btw she isnt here asking for advice on whether or not to break the engagement ..... the fact that she isnt asking about what to do about her engagement tells me she is already sure she's doing the right thing by going for it.,..why dissuade her?
she's here because she;s upset she spoke up to her father
so lets try and stick to that topic instead of raising a separate issue altogether...
well the op did not just mention the fact that she spoke to her father which is upsetting her but she also said she is feeling certain pinches on her own as well about the engagment. Nobody told her to break of the engagement, just not to overide her own intution and ignore valid concerns that both she has and her share .. dont agree with the person who is saying to tell the dad not to make such comments, he would only want what is best for his daughter and has every right to express an opinion. If she feels they are not valid then there is nothing wrong with speaking up. Perhaps the stuff he said is sitting with her uncomfortably as she knows deep down he has a point.
also I would advise the op to discuss the issues that concern her and family..might save a lot of misunderstanding later
so after speaking up to dad have u guys made peace or is there some tension between the 2 of you? clear the air with dad first because that's one man you need by your side for the rest of your life. after dealing with dad,maybe you can make a list of all the issues 'pinching' you and see how many can be sorted out/compromised on and how many can't. I really hope everything works out for you :)