I feel awful.

Lifestyle Relationships
1

There’s a girl in our dorm who is really smart and intelligent, but doesn’t have too many friends, I think because of a physical disability, however it does not prevent her from leading a normal life and having a positive attitude towards life. She goes for therapy twice a week to ensure that her problem doesn’t worsen.

Now I extended a friendly hand towards her because I felt sorry for her, and we sat and chatted for a long time and I found her very interesting, insightful and intelligent - the subject matter is very different from what I’m used to talking about with my friends. I really do find her inspiring sometimes.

However, this is now becoming a daily routine, where she expects me to sit with her every evening and chat over a cup of tea. She will invite me over for a cup of tea, or come into my dorm just as I’m about to relax with a mug of chai after maghrib. I like spending time with people, but I really do enjoy my own company also. And I feel awful for feeling this way but I find it such an effort to talk to her sometimes. To put it in simple words I get quite irritable when I see her now, whereas her face literally lights up whenever she sees me. I’m trying to be really strong, and telling myself that this is a good deed I should do as a Muslim, but it’s not working. :frowning:

Am I being petty, mean and selfish? Allah make me a more tolerable person.

2

yaar u knwo wat i feel like this when i have to talk to ppl i dont want to go further than just saying hello hi ... 2 weeks ago this chink kind of stuck to me liek glue for like half the day and man i was so worried kay how am i gona get rid of her lol ..... i felt so bad as well.

as far as this person goes i feel for u lakin well thing is i am sure u dont want to completely stop talking to her but u want to see less of her........ hmmm well u could make excuses sometimes that u have to do something so that the person doesnt always expect u to be around all the time.... so that way even if u do bump into her or see her regularly that person wont expect u to on call so to speak..... she is lonley u know :) .

3

oh yeah ameen to that catso u cutey pie :blush:

ameen for me too :o

PS i was ameening to the dua :stuck_out_tongue:

4

Waleed it's a relief to hear I'm not the only one who's experienced this. I dont want to be rude either, but I think I already have been once or twice, but I'm going to try really hard not to be. :(

5

yeah...these kind of situations can be really demanding ....one need very strong nevers...first one tries to be over sympathetic but soon after realises that it can not go like this for long...so he has to compensate for his behaviour...
i think one should not be over sympathetic with the people who have some kind of disability at first instance ...just treat them as u treat your other friends...just try to be pragmatic and u shud tell her in light tone that at particular times u dont feel like meeting with any one...i dont know if i have been able to address your question...

6

Re: I feel awful.

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by cat-woman: *
There's a girl in our dorm who is really smart and intelligent, but doesn't have too many friends, I think because of a physical disability, however it does not prevent her from leading a normal life and having a positive attitude towards life. She goes for therapy twice a week to ensure that her problem doesn't worsen.

Now I extended a friendly hand towards her because I felt sorry for her, and we sat and chatted for a long time and I found her very interesting, insightful and intelligent - the subject matter is very different from what I'm used to talking about with my friends. I really do find her inspiring sometimes.

However, this is now becoming a daily routine, where she expects me to sit with her every evening and chat over a cup of tea. She will invite me over for a cup of tea, or come into my dorm just as I'm about to relax with a mug of chai after maghrib. I like spending time with people, but I really do enjoy my own company also. And I feel awful for feeling this way but I find it such an effort to talk to her sometimes. To put it in simple words I get quite irritable when I see her now, whereas her face literally lights up whenever she sees me. I'm trying to be really strong, and telling myself that this is a good deed I should do as a Muslim, but it's not working. :(

Am I being petty, mean and selfish? Allah make me a more tolerable person.
[/QUOTE]

Treat her like a normal person and don't feel sorry for her. If you need your own space just tell her like you would tell anyother person. Besides i think you started it wrong, never start a friendship on basis of sympathy or pity, it never lasts long.

7

Re: I feel awful.

i agree with the Wise One, in the sense that u shouldn't start a relationship based on pity. But on the other hand you are contradicting in ur assumptions. First u say that she's interesting and then u say that you are bored. I know that its on different topics. But what you could do is get her interested in your topics. You said she's intelligent. Try and get her interested in stuff that you are interested in, sell her on the idea of other topics (ofcourse you can't ask her to start running with you, wheelchair and all), but poeple catch on. She will understand your position. She may not have legs but she's not stupid. She may crave company but she also knows how to keep it interesting. Give her a try, talk to her about things that concern you. She may surprise u yet!

8

Cat-woman,

I have worked with developmentally disabled individuals for a couple of years now because of my profession. It was very nice of you to take the time out to talk to her and spend some time with her, but I know how you feel she is holding on too much because she gets attention from you and you are probably the only one who treats her like an equal.

what you can do is set up a day or time in the week that you can drop by to see her, and tell her "hey .... you know I am very busy because of a project these days but how about I come see you on thursday"..., and then make sure you spend some time with her so see doesn't feel hurt. You can still maintain your friendship and your own need to privacy without hurting her.

9

Yes I understand what you guys are saying. Thankyou for your sincere advice. I cant really avoid her though because her room is very close to mine. Today I was hoping, hoping she wouldn't come and just as I was about to have iftaari she comes in and invites me over for salad that she had made. I told her that I had to break my fast and and pray afterwards. She asked me how many minutes I would be, and I said half an hour, and she said ok she will wait for me. Anyhoo I went and sat for half an hour only and said I had to go because I have a test tomorrow (which I do).
This is getting worse and worse.

10

I used to work in Target as a checkout clerk and this lady used to come at my counter to buy cat food...Half of her face was like what happens to a candle if you held it over a fire...It was almost like half her face had been melted, almost hanging, Allah protect us...

Although she used to come twice or thrice a week, she almost always came to my counter...Everytime she came a thousand questions would flurry across my mind in how to make her feel as if I didn't notice her disfigurement and proceeded to try and talk to her as if she was a normal customer...And I believe I carried my act pretty well too, because I made her laugh a couple of times, whereas she never talked and was always downcast...But despite my nonchalant act, Allah knows what I went through in my heart...

After every meeting with her I went through everything I did when she was there...Did I act too much, too little, did I overdo my nonchalance, did I catch her eyes enough, did I talk to her like the customer before her, was my laugh a little fake, did I laugh too much e.t.c...

And the problem was, the more comfortable she became with me, the more she started opening up to me and started talking and telling me stuff that she did during the day...I noticed this 'comfort' level that she was achieving with me, and I became fearful that someday, something in my speech, or expression would give away the fact that I had taken note of her disfigurement and talked to her out of ingratiation...I feared becoming nervous in front of her and that made me even more nervous...

In short, in a couple of months of such goings on, I became accustomed to her...I hardly even noticed it and she became a staple sight for me 2 or 3 days of the week...

A child never finds its mother ugly and vice versa because of the constant exposure...

Give yourself time...You'll grow accustomed to her disability, but the worst thing you can do, is ignore her...

The best advice I can give you is, learn to act well...Use different masks if you have to when dealing with her...Give yourself time too...

11

CW,

I had a perfectly normal friend who moved to my town, was friends with a friend of mine and then we became friends. She would call me daily, go grocery shopping with me and we'd do something 2 times a week..that was way too much for me. i didn't have time by myself or for my othe friends....It's hard to do nicely.....and honestly at that time I didn't take care of it. But then she met a guy, got engaged in a month and stopped calling me..ehhehehhe god intervened.

I would suggest you tell her the next time you're chatting that work/school has been really stressful and though you enjoy spending time with her you'll have to cut back your social time. This way it's not her but you which is actually the case. I think BB and Wise one are right, treat her like a normal person. BB's suggestion of pushing to a date in the future...a few days later is smart too. Right now she's used to a daily chat...you can push it to 2x a week and then slow it down more as u need to.

12

lajawab thats really very sweet and considerate of you. Im sure she will always remember you.

amelie, I dont think I could bring myself to say, look Im really busy, maybe we could spend time together on a fixed day. Today I avoided her like the plague, and when i did bump into her she started telling me how she has made travel plans for the spring holidays, with me included! I was like woah right there!! I told her I wasnt sure what I wanted to do during the holidays, so i couldnt say anything for sure. Yeah im a bit cowardly.

13

think for a minute she's like anybody else.. what would you do?? just be yourself.. that'll be the best gesture of treating her with equality and respecting her for what she is and not what she isn't.