I am 35, single mother of an 8 year old daughter and I have started to feel so depressed lately. I feel as If i have done nothing for myself in three and a half decades.
My father passed away when I was 8, Mom was overprotective and super strict. Life consisted to going to school and coming back to home to study. I wasn’t allowed to go to friend’s house to birthday parties etc. My mom didn’t want me inviting anyone over either. Once a year we went to visit our grandparents…that’s it.
She decided I should study medicine and choosing any other field was not a choice. I created plenty of drama and fuss in those last two years before college but to no avail. I had to study medicine, needless to say I didn’t enjoy my college years much.
After I finished my studies I was told that I could only have a strictly arranged marriage, anything other than that would be a equivalent to bringing shame to my family etc. I got married to this guy 17 years older than me who later turned out to be physically abusive. I spent the next 8/9 years trying to survive, getting out of the marriage, fighting custody battles, managing finances.
Now, that things have settled somewhat and I look back I feel I did nothing in my life that could be called fun. I never travelled, or did anything else adventurous, spent a very boring life. No that I didn’t want to or didn’t try but I couldn’t, given my circumstances. All my life it was about not letting down my mother, there was so much pressure, every relative telling us , look she raised you on her own, giving you a good education etc… then trying to make my marriage work and now that I am a mother I have to think of my daughter before doing anything.
I am not complaining, I am grateful my mom gave me a good education and married me to what she thought was a good guy. I also feel very blessed to be a mother but lol, I would have no interesting stories to tell, no happy memories to look back when I am old. I feel so cheated …
Is there anyone else who is in my situation?? What do I do to get out of this?
You're a doctor? That's pretty interesting.
Okay , seriously 35 is not old.Start creating those memories with your daughter now. Travel with her,you don't need to travel really far at first , another state is a good start if you have the finances which assuming you do, enjoy the finer small things that life presents us on a daily basis, take more pictures, cook something interesting every Saturday or something ? Go on shopping sprees with friends? Randomly take your daughter to eat out? Reach out and make more friends, try new things , travel on a hot air balloon with her, if you have not already done so, always wanted to do that. Point is, just do small things and enjoy them. Life is in your hands now, you can still make up for what you perceive are, lost years of fun. You're still alive, healthy, you have all the time in the world. You're whole life is not over yet , thinking that it is , is probably adding to your depression, Iam guessing things here don't take me too seriously.
Or you could try and change the way you see things. You have lived a life that Iam sure has taught you a lot, the insight you have many others may not have, that's something you can pass on to your daughter, that's a story to tell when your old? It's just another way of looking at what's passed,you can't go back and change nothing might as well look at the positives in it.
Now, that things have settled somewhat and I look back I feel I did nothing in my life that could be called fun. I never travelled, or did anything else adventurous, spent a very boring life. No that I didn't want to or didn't try but I couldn't, given my circumstances. All my life it was about not letting down my mother, there was so much pressure, every relative telling us , look she raised you on her own, giving you a good education etc....... then trying to make my marriage work and now that I am a mother I have to think of my daughter before doing anything.
I would have no interesting stories to tell, no happy memories to look back when I am old. I feel so cheated .........
Is there anyone else who is in my situation?? What do I do to get out of this?
At 35, you have several more decades left before you get old. Instead of focusing on the last 3 decades and all the things you could not do b/c of situations that were beyond your control, start thinking about all the things you want to do AND can do in the next 3 decades. As a doctor, I assume you're comfortable financially so money is not an issue. At 8, your daughter is old enough to travel and do many "adventurous" things. I know plenty of people (including my BIL/SIL who have a 9 year old daughter) that have travelled all over the world with their kids.
Your mother was in control of you in the past. Now, YOU are in charge. If you want happy/fun/adventurous memories, then make them happen. The ONLY person who can stop you now is you. Not only will you create fun/adventurous memories for yourself, but also for your daughter. Give her all the memories that you didn't get growing up so by the time she's 35 and you're old, both of you can talk about all the adventures you shared together for 3 decades.
I know someone who had a child at a very young age, got divorced and then went back to get her law degree at the age of 30. She is now a lawyer.
She works, she travels with her daughter and she lives her life.
Following a divorce, things are always painful. No matter who you married and how you split up. Its painful and depressing. If you've been divorced you know the pain.
What you do afterwards is what defines the kind of person you are. Do you sulk? Do you pick up the pieces and move on? Do you look at life with complaints or do you put your faith in Allah and trust that He will take care of your pain?
If you truly believe in Allah, you should trust the path He has put you on and leave your worries with Him. Being Muslim doesn't only mean praying and fasting...when they say its a way of life it really is a way of life.
If I were you, I'd seek some sort of therapy. I'd make a fresh start. I'd take some time to find myself. You can do anything you want right now in life...the choice truly is yours. You're educated, independent, strong and healthy. What is stopping you? The sky is the limit. Do things you'd never do...try to diversify your interests...learn to value this thing called life because its a gift.
Looking back is just going to keep you anchored where you are...unhappy.
I always believe that people coming out of broken relationships are far more stronger than any person with normal circumstances. If they can come out one bad patch, they can do wutever in life.
That being said, OP all you have got is a giant pool of opportunities to make the best of your life ahead and so with your daughter's. These depressing thoughts are temporary, just dont let them get on yr nerve. You can make a career plan of your own whether going through education or otherwise, a business plan, a travel plan and the list goes on and on.
The best part is that, you arent dependent on anyone so just get up and be a kickass person.
No age is old enough to start living your life again and have control. I know someone who is in her early thirties and was emotionally manipulated by her mother all her life, pay the bills, do whatever her mother tells her to do etc. Now finally she's had it and have taken control of her life again. She could have said, no, I've spent all my 20s dealing with responsibilities etc, now I've got nothing to reminisce about; but she doesn't think like that. She has started to do the things she missed out on when she was younger. She has travelled alone, she has gone out shopping and eating alone, she stays in hotels etc. Only difference between her and you is that she put her foot down and said no to marriage at the age of 18, when she was forcibly taken to Pakistan from England to get married to an older cousin. So no ex-marriage, little kid(s) to look after, but that doesn't change it much.
Make your child your best friend and do everything you missed out on with them. I am sure you are going to start loving your life and have a lot of excitement pumped into it again.
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Another thing, I am almost 27 and I haven't done a lot in life fun wise either. I haven't gone travelling cos I am always busy with work, I haven't done much socialising cos I am busy working and studying (MBA) etc. I don't get depressed that I missed out on life etc. I know I can always find excitement in the littlest of things around me, so not being able to do major things doesn't bring me down. You need to find excitement and happiness in the smallest things, wherever you are in the world. Cheers.
By the way you haven't wasted your life. You're a doctor! Even if you do something else right now, something that you think you're more excited about - as medicine clearly didn't excite you during your college years, you can always fall back upon a career which has solid job opportunities etc. You can even open up your own practice later on in life etc. Education never goes wasted. You have the skill set and intellectual capacity to raise your daughter well. Your mum and how she has raised you, would have shown you how not to raise your daughter, or where you can do well when it comes to her. Do not be dismayed.
Being a single parent is a very stressful role in itself !
You can make yourself feel good about your life and existence by giving a good life to your daughter. Believe me nothing can be more satisfactory can that.
Make plans with your daughter of something that you both enjoy on daily basis or weekly basis and fulfil them. Plans to go out , plans to watch a movie, plans to do some baking together etc. These small things can bring you much joy & happiness. I also make plans with my daughter , we usually have a slumber party every weekend. She gets a cartoon movie , we watch it , we eat , we talk , we just have fun on Saturday night. This weekend we have planned to make some snow globes at home , she can't wait to make them.
There are so many things you can do to live a happy life with your daughter. Just try to bring yourself out from your past first only then you will be able to live and enjoy your present and future. What's done is done and cannot be change. If you don't let go of your past you will be moving in this same cycle of depression.
As i read this i pray that may allah give a place to your parents in heaven, cos they will be asked for the situation they put their kids in, i wouldnt call it a SITUATION more like a FITNA.
Dear although i did not ever had the situation like this, i am completely independent after 16 years of my age. I will recommend you de attached for while from the situation and expend at least two or four alone any where you can enjoy most where you can have adventure then rethink for all of the above situation.
Thank you everyone for taking out the time to reply.
I do plan things with my daughter. Living in a small city of Pakistan the options are pretty limited but nevertheless we do something every weekend, go out to eat watch, watch a movie, do some shopping bake cupcakes........ these sort of things. I hope I will be able to give her some happy memories of her childhood.
As far a travelling is concerned...it's not very safe to travel alone in Pakistan, by alone I mean not accompanied by a male, so the only travel options are going abroad for which I have been savings and making plans with a friend, let's soon how soon that happens ....I am not rich....lol....if that's some people are thinking. I am a doctor but I chose a field that has less hectic but lays less too. I was broke for nearly a year after my marriage fell apart, alhumdollilah I am back on my feet again now but I still have to think about finances before I make travel and entertainment plans.
@SID_NY lol..... you described it so well. TBH I am absolutely loving the independence after having lived a life where I had to constantly seek permission for everything I did.. and leaving the house was no less than a Jihad. I love how free I am to go out eat ice cream, browse through shops, do anything I like. Even after 2 years I still get a 'high' out of going window shopping. :P embarrassed
@diamond321 mashallah you are doing such a good job with your daughter. That slumber party idea sounds like so much fun
@Dubaiwali I am lucky to have the privilege of a good education . I have things planned out for my career which I will inshallah pursue when my daughter is a bit older.
@zero69cool I don't blame my mother, I am not angry at her. She probably did what she thought was the best for me.
@honesty7811 Thank you for your PM, I will reply to it soon.
@everyone else. I am not unhappy with my life. I do enjoy the simpler things in life. It's just that when I talk to people my age or those younger than me and hear them talking about their lives is when I feel I missed out on everything.
If you as an orphan became a doctor, survived an abusive marriage, raising a child on your own, support your self, all by age of 35, then you my lady have lived a life. You are better than those whom you are asking for suggestions. Ordinary guppans shud be taking life lessons from you.
Be proud of yourself.
Alhamdullilah..you are doing well with your life. Certainly it wasnt easy for you...but you are very strong. Keep up..and eventually and inshAllah things will get better!...
If you as an orphan became a doctor, survived an abusive marriage, raising a child on your own, support your self, all by age of 35, then you my lady have lived a life. You are better than those whom you are asking for suggestions. Ordinary guppans shud be taking life lessons from you.
Be proud of yourself.
THIS!!
You are still young enough to enjoy life, and do all the things you have wanted to do.