Hey,
I have been married 6 months now. It was an arranged marriage but i got to meet my husband before we got engaged and after we got engaged we stayed in touch by email and phone. We got married and like a day after the wedding the problems started to begin.
My FIL thought my khala (who actually arranged our marriage) insulted him at the walima by not " seeming to look happy" at our walima reception. My Khala was actually sick that day but my FIL thought she ruined “his sons walima” by acting quiet that day. He had a rant at my familys house and my mom and dad managed to calm him down.
Then i got married and shifted to another country. It was very hard for me and i missed my family so much. I used to cry every night when i knew my husband had fallen asleep. My husband started saying things like “this is ur family now” and “my mom and dad are your mom and dad” etc
I said ok and i gave both my MIL and FIL a lot of respect and started calling them Ami Ji and Abu Ji…but then i said to my husband that marriage is a partnership and you should love and respect my parents the same way i care for your parents…my husband said no…he said that he was their son in law and nothing more…we actually had a big fight over it…why wouldnt he think marriage isnt a partnership and that the women had to give more??
Then he forced me to change my name…which i did not want to. If it was to change to his first name…i dont think that would have seemed so odd to me…but he had my name changed to his FATHERS name!!! He said that was the foreign system. I hated it…i hated changing my name…i am educated and all my degrees and certificates have my maiden name written on them…i tried to explain to him all this but he didnt care and kept telling me that he felt hurt that i was reacting so badly in taking their “family name” and that he felt that i didnt want to be a part of his family.
We were living with my in laws at that time (our home was getting renovated during that time) 2months into our marriage, one day when i came to my FILs home from the university where i am studying, i decided to go for a walk. I told my MIL and went out. After walking for a bit i decided to go to our apartment and stay there for a few minutes. My FIL had gone to pick my husband from his work. Anyway, so long story short…i heard a ring on the door…i went to open it and there stood my FIL …he started shouting at me…telling me " who the hell are u…my son works all day and u cant be at home to welcome him?? who the hell do u think u are…i can do anything for my son…anything…we bought this apartment for u, ur MIL cooks food…u dont have to do anything…and u do this?"
he proceeded to shout at me the whole way back to his home (both homes are across the street from one another). i was crying so bad…i thought my marriage was at an end…when i arrived at my in laws home…my husband didnt side with me when i told him what his father did. He saw my tears and he did nothing.
Anyway, that episode smoothed out when i had to apologise to my FIL for taking a walk.:(…my FIL acted nicely to me after it and took me shopping but i never have really gotten over it…and i am very cautious with him now. What really hurt me was how my husband acted…he didnt stop his father from insulting me and he thought it was my mistake for not asking permission from my FIL before going for a walk. Then my FIL made me promise i wouldnt tell any of my family about what had happened because “what happens in this house stays in this house”
The situation now is that we have moved to our home…but still my FIL is in incharge…we just go there to sleep as we spend most our free time at my FILs house. I really hate him sometimes. He is fake and so so dominating. He has fights with everyone in the neighbourhood and a wild temper that he doesnt control…he blames it on his diabetes…and says he is a sick man so we should forgive him for his mistakes…(he isnt sick…he is one of the most healthy diabetic ppl i have seen…and im a doctor!!!) He hardly earns a penny now and my husband is mostly supporting both homes with his income. I dont have an issue with the money…i have enough of my own…but i have an issue with how dependent my husband is on his father.
My FIL treats him like a boy…tells him when to go to home and go to sleep. My FIL has asked me many times the time when we go to bed…he wants to check that i am letting my husband go to sleep at night when we get home and not keeping him awake…URGH!!! This is madness. I have talked to my husband about this many times…and he just says that its his way of showing love…but this is abnormal. ABNORMAL!!! Why doesnt he understand? Then he thinks i am weird as girls from Pakistan are supposed to be conservative and used to family system of things!
My FILs father ( from what i have found out after we got married) abandoned his family when my FIL was little…i guess that explains why he is so over-protective of his son…but this is really affecting me. I was given much more freedom by my mom and dad in Pakistan. The trusted me and I never misused their trust. I never did anything bad with it and i am a very responsible person. I made my own decisions, got good marks and went to the best schools…and now all that is at an end as i have to ask my FIL (not my husband) for permission to go for even a walk or go home at night to sleep. Its so crazy. Sometimes i think my family got my married without finding out more about these ppl and i feel bad.
But i do love my husband and he does love me. When we are alone, we have such a wonderful time together—but thats the thing, we dont get much time a lone. I dont know what to do? Has anyone else been in such a situation? I cant deal with my FIL for much longer…he is suffocating me