My MIL always complains that we live too far away, that’s why she never comes to my place (though she does go to other relatives who stay as far away!!!), so hubby & I decided we’ll shift closer to them, even though it means we’ll be paying double the rent.
So, we go to their place all happy to share the news with them…and to our shock she is not happy to hear the news!!!
We leave after a few minutes, not knowing how to react ourselves!!!
???
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
my guess is that (and of course this is just a guess since i know nothing about her) she wants you guys to live with her......til then...she'll nvr be happy!
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
did you try to speak to her about this with your husband?
key is respect.
best,
Dushwari
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
She is building a new house...so me n hubby proposed to her that we'll pay our share of money and we'll shift together with them....a few weeks afterwards she phones hubby and tell him we are both working, so why we don't buy our own house!!
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
then she does not want you to be in her periphery, which is fine too:>
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
yeah...she does not like me so she does not want to be close to me!!!
But I want to have a family!!!!
My own family is so far away.....i miss all those get-togethers and bbq n all the fun...i want to share the same moments with my husband's family....
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
you will insha Allah have this. in order for her to have space of her own, the least that can do is respect that, and without feeling left out, little by little impress her by your zeal to win over her motherly attitude to you:>
women to women relationship as MIL and DIL can really patch even the worst of the worst in the relationship between the son and his parents, granted that the DIL is given the chance to successfully make that happen.
best,
Dushwari
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
why do you want to be more close to her when she doesn't want to. Just stay away and live happily.
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
I've been trying this for 3years now!!!!!!!! I give her all the respect that i'll give to my own mother, i'm nice to her, i get her gifts, even if she never comes to my house (ok she did 2 times in those 3 yrs!) and get angry when we don't go to visit her, i try and go there every week end, i adapted to their culture, i tried pleasing the whole relative circle, i always tried to help bros n sis in laws....but i can't handle it anymore....
i believe if somebody can't see the effort i've put to please her in the last 3 yrs, then it's not worth it....
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
why do you want to be more close to her when she doesn't want to. Just stay away and live happily.
I want to be part of a family Lusi....I don't know maybe it's just asking too much....
I'm far away from my own family....maybe that's why I have this longing....
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
Mermaid all u and ur husband have to do is talk to her, and explain her the same what u just did, as to how much u want to be a part of this family, what i see as a possible reason is that most of the times if it is a love marriage ( not that this is not possible in arranged marriages and i am assuming u have a love marriage) the mothers tend to think "merey betey ko mujh sey duur kar diya" and so seh raises her guard all u got to do is talk to her and bring her defences down. Hope i did kinda help and not confused u even more.
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
yeah...it was a love marriage....and i'm not of the same background/community/race....whatever.......i think that's why she does not like me
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
mermaid dear..let me tell you something. its a really nice gesture that u want to become a part of hins family but the thruth is that no matter what u do or say u will always remain the girl their son chose without their consent.
I will not advice you to be rude or anything like that to them but I will certainly advice you to stop worrying too much and doing way too extra effort to become part of his family!do what u r obliged to do as a daughter in law but there is no need to go through such hassles that u get extra dissapointed when your MIl dissapproves so much of your trying to be nice to her.
I have gone through all those phases. I come from a family where we love to go for picnics and enjoy good time etc etc so when I got into his family I wanted to proceed in the same way as my own family was far away and I wanted to have good family ties with his family. So we ended up spedning a lot fo time with my SIL and gradually I found out that she was actually damaging me a lot and thus my relationship to my husband so what was the point in spending time with her??
Likewise my MIL always complains that we never call or visit them forgetting the fact that I have actually been ill the whole year and diagnozed with chronical fatigue. that should ring some bells!!!but it doesnt...ppl can be very selfish and thats what I have experienced.
So now I have a certain distance to my SIL but I do behave properly with her whenever we talk or meet each other. However I have stopped doing all the extra stuff ciz I found out it didnt make any sense when I didnt feel respected.
One must have enough self respect to draw some lines!
In your case I wud advice you to cool down a bit...dont u have friends who u have have bbqs with?develop ur own social circle and have fun with them. and whenever u meet ur in laws be nice and gentle to them and show respect but dont feel forced to be over nice in everything u do with them!
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
Believe me....being close and wanting to be part of a big extended family and have all get togethers etc has it's open problems. What's needed is a middle ground, where both territories are marked and you don't end up lining in each others pockets as that leads to no end of problems.
If MIL's not happy with you being so far/so close then come to an agreement - tell her to come stay for a few days in holidays etc and then it's an adventure for both you and her, you can have a gathering/outing knowing full well that at the end of the stay you've got your own space/routine back.
Also, you could go stay with her too - over a long weekend for example.
It was a wise person that said "Absence (distance makes the heart grow fonder" - only wish I'd thought that 6 years ago when I moved because I wanted the extended family feeling :( !!
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
Chameli: I guess you are right. I feel whether I make the extra effort to please her or not...she'll always react the same way. I'll only get myself hurt in the whole thing. She's always kept us away from gatherings because we "stayed too far way"!! And I felt guilty about that becoz we moved for my job. I felt I took my husband away from his family. At least I won't have that guilty-feeling now! so, no extra effort now!!
Wannabe-a-mum: yeah...at least I don't have the tension of my MIL ordering me around in the house! ;)
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
some people just like to complain. don't change your lives for their whims.
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
Consider it a blessing (yeah this doesn't really sounds good but read some of the other threads and you will actually agree with this statement), find a social circle, and live happily.
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
Ditto to what Lusi said. Are you sure your MIL doesnt like you? Has she said that specifically or hinted at it by her actions? Perhaps its her nature to be whiney and she really wants you and your husband to have a life of your own?
I would really take it as a blessing that she doesnt butt in, in your life all the time, considering how most of the women complain about how clingy thier mILs are never leave after visiting once.
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!!
There are some things in life that you should not try to achieve them....one of them is being best friends with your MIL....no matter how much a DIL or even a MIL tries to be all friendly towards each other...its not possible....i mean you will always be MIL and DIL...u know what i am saying....in your case...its obvious that you MIL wants to live far from you guys but she is pretending that she wants you guys to be close to her only cuz she dont want to be declared as a bad person for not liking her own DIL....i think she is being really selfish but hey good for you....try to go out with your husband....start your own family...go out on picnics n all....but just dont expect them to tag along with you all....if they want some distance give them some...i am sure later on they will regret not being nice to you!
Re: I can never please my in laws!!!
mermaid…just be yourself and stop trying so hard! People here talk about wanting to move out of their in-laws home and here you are talking about wanting to live with them? 
Have you ever heard of the saying…“distance makes the heart grow fonder”?
I mean there isn’t anything wrong with living with your in-law..it works for some and others it may not…but if your MIL isnt too fond of you already…dont you think it’ll make things worse when you move in with her?