I am new at Gupshup.... Plz Comment!

**
*Salaamz we rehma to All
i am fairly new at the GS and since I have registered I am enjoying it.
I have been into writing since long but this is one of my latest thoughts, just typed it up while i was at work. It comes from my heart and some of you might find it a bit long winded and too personal to be shared at such a forum, but i really like it… A total self-expression straight from my heart without any alterations..

Please do comment and let me know if its :mad: or if its :slight_smile: but do say something…

kabhi na tha ju duaoo’N mein,
na meri fizaoo’N mein na Hawaoo’N mein
Wu aya, tu phir chandni khil uthi,
Meray dil kil nazuk kali khil uthi..

Mager phir hawa he kuch aisi chali,
kay dil ki meray her kali jal gaye,
Hawaoo’N pay pehray say hunay lagay,
Fizaeei’N bhee afsurda rehnein lagein.

Wu ek ajnabi ju meri jaan tha,
Meray dil ka ju ek mehmaan tha,
wu roothi huwi ek dua hu gaya,
tu sara chaman he khaffa hu gaya.

Wu aisa gaya k phir aaya nahi,
ussi ki sada ki thee mein muntazir,
magar usnay dar khat-khataya nahi
Yeh derwaza bhee meinay khola nahi…

Mein rehnay laggi thee Fasurda buhat,
Tu ek roze wu mujhko mil he gaya,
Meri jaan mein tu buhat douur hun,
Mein saray zamanay ka majboor hun…

Wu kehta raha aur mein sunti rahi,
Mein roti rahi ashk behtay rahay,
Kaha meinay janaN yeh sub theek hay,
Meray pass lamhoon ki he bheek hay..

Mein wakif hun tum kitnay majboor hu,
Haan tum meri chahaat mein ranjoor hu,
Sambhaloongi mein apnay dil ko buhat,
Na khuwahish kerungi kisi ki bhee Ab…

Jahan say wu aaya tha wapis gaya

Mager saray derwazay bund ker gaya!!!

**

Re: I am new at Gupshup… Plz Comment!

:k:

saying something.

Re: I am new at Gupshup… Plz Comment!

yeah right on…

Re: I am new at Gupshup.... Plz Comment!

Wu aisa gaya k phir aaya nahi,
ussi ki sada ki thee mein muntazir,
magar usnay dar khat-khataya nahi
*Yeh derwaza bhee meinay khola nahi...
*

Last line match nahi kar rahi, baqi ki poem achi hay, welcome to GS poetry thanks for sharing..... :-)

Re: I am new at Gupshup.... Plz Comment!

hummm

Re: I am new at Gupshup… Plz Comment!

yeh humm ko define he kerdin azad sahib…

Re: I am new at Gupshup… Plz Comment!

sorry it was suppose to be

***yeh derwaza phir mainay khola nahi…

thanx for your comments


Re: I am new at Gupshup… Plz Comment!

Its Beautiful… Very Nice… it has a very good Flow…

Just **Mein rehnay laggi thee Fasurda buhat … **

Here Farsuda is Blocking the Flow… when you read it… its not coming in proper flow…

e.g. MaiN Rehnay lagi thi Farsuda buhut…
and MaiN farsuda rehnay lagi thi buhut…

check the flow of both…

BTW… Is it Actulay Farsuda… or Afsurda… ??? Coz as per the theme of your Poem… it should be… Afsurda.. :slight_smile:

ANy how… Very nice once again … :flower1:

Re: I am new at Gupshup… Plz Comment!

Wu aisa gaya k phir aaya nahi, <-------- m sorry woh light chali gaye thee thats why
ussi ki sada ki thee mein muntazir,<----- :blush:

Very nice… mashAllah :k:

Re: I am new at Gupshup… Plz Comment!

u r right, scorpion. i haven’t payed much attention on the ryhming scheme and the couplets are a bit staggered at places, but with the critical appreciation i am getting from u lot, i would be able to post a modified version of my poem, soon Insha-Allah

Re: I am new at Gupshup… Plz Comment!

acha ji, light aa gayee na? ab tu a jaooo. :smiley:

thanx Abdullah.

Re: I am new at Gupshup… Plz Comment!

G.S. Jee Urdu ke jo thoray bohut lafz yaad hain … un main

Far…suda ..
Afs …urda …

ke manii thoray se mukh’talif hain.

Re: I am new at Gupshup… Plz Comment!

jin ko samjah na aay unn ko kia samjhana

Re: I am new at Gupshup… Plz Comment!

itni jaldi haar maan li aap nay?

Re: I am new at Gupshup… Plz Comment!

ThoRay se naheeN hazoor buhut zyada mukhtalif haiN … :slight_smile:

Hum ne Mandarjabala post miaN arz naheN ki ke… Farsuda Ghalat hay… Hum ne sirf ye poocha tha ke… Ye farsuda hi hay ya… Afsurda hay… Aur uski waja… bhi hum ne arz kar di thi ke… Poem ke hisaab se… iss miaN gham tha… Yaas thi… tou…

MaiN rehnay lagi thi Farsuda buhut … ka matlab banta hay… ke maiN buhut Purani…yani ke OUT OF DATE rehnay lagi thi…
Jab ke…
MaiN Rehnay lagi thi afsurda buhut… Ka matlab banta.. ke… maiN ghamgeen rehnay lagi thi… Yani ke Sad… :slight_smile:

Ab ye tou Fara Gi pe hay ke.. unhooN ne jo bhi likha… Hum ne tou bas APna Khayal Gosh guzar karnay ki Jasaarat ki hay… :slight_smile: