Husband's love for first child from first marriage

Lifestyle Relationships
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**This is a query from someone I know. She wanted to have some serious advice. I hope you guys will help her through your valuable input.
**

I am second wife of my husband. First marriage of my husband couldn’t survive due to no compatibility and my husband has a son from his first marriage which is now with the mother.

I have always been very friendly and understanding for this situation. It is our love marriage and I am happy.

Sometimes I feel that my husband misses his son as he left him when he was only 4. It was not my husband’s choice, the mother didn’t let him take him away.

We are planning for our own kid too but still I know, that nothing can replace a child… every child has his own individuality, I know if we have two more of our own, still he will miss his first child and I totally understand his situation. I had no problem raising him if I could have him.

The problem is, I know the FB id of his first wife, she initially didn’t post her son’s pic but because she knows that my husband (her ex husband) goes through her id to find if she has placed his son’s pic or not, she has started posting his pics too. He has grown up.

My husband also knows that I know her FB id and I often check it too just for the same purpose (if she has placed his son’s pic or not).

I am really open minded about this matter and we often discuss about this too. I have no problem discussing anything regarding his first child or his ex-wife (not unnecessarily but when its required).

Because he knows I have a checkup to her id and I tell him every change happens to it, he doesn’t check it anymore.

What I was feeling this time is, I know my husband gets happy seeing his son, but on the other hand, it somehow pains him too seeing his own child. I know he misses taking him in his arms and kissing him endlessly.

2 weeks ago, I saw she changed the picture and put her son’s pic. I was really confused this time, to tell my husband or not?? I wanted to because he could see him after a long time… (she rarely puts his pictures), and I didnt want to too, because I knew he could get disturbed, will start thinking about him again and blah blah. In the end, I couldn’t stop myself sharing this with him because I felt it necessary. He is his father, He has every right to see him.
**

The question is, should I keep doing this?? The true part is, now I am myself habitual of keep seeing her FB just for my husband’s boy. I want to see him happy, but on the other hand, sometimes I feel, by doing this, am I somewhere hurting him too. If I hide, I feel I am doing wrong, If I dont hide, I feel, I am giving him more thoughts!! What should I do?? I can’t stop seeing her id now. I really love the kid too**

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Re: Husband's love for first child from first marriage

Does the father not see his son in real life and if so why not??

My cousins who have divorced parents live with their mum + stepfather but spend time with their biological father every so often as well..

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Re: Husband’s love for first child from first marriage

I’m confused as to why the father never sees or talks to his son? I can undrestand the mother not agreeing to let the son live with the father…but do they not share custody? Why doesn’t the father visit his son or talk to him on the phone (through e-mails if the son is older)? :konfused:

Divorce doesn’t mean that 1 parent has to be totally out of the child’s life.

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Re: Husband's love for first child from first marriage

I've seen this happen to a lot of guys :( They get pushed out of the picture and some give up because they don't want to put their kids through the mental strain of seeing their parents fight all the time. They give in and then the guilt starts. Its really sad to hear a father talk about his kids that he has no way to see...you can hear the helplessness in their voice. Its interesting because I haven't seen one divorced dad that is not trying to be a part of their child's life somehow.

I don't think the OP should stop updating her husband. Yes, it hurts a little bit because he's not able to see his child grow up. But you still want to see your kids...see the changes...see them grow up...etc.

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Re: Husband's love for first child from first marriage

I agree with Reha. I believe she should stop showing the pictures. I know it hurts but it hurts the other way too!!

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Re: Husband’s love for first child from first marriage

The first wife lives in states and this lady (second wife) and her husband are based in Pakistan. Moreover, first wife doesn’t want her ex hubby to contact and see his son.

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Re: Husband's love for first child from first marriage

The second wife needs to mind her own business. Jeez. Stalking some lady's facebook page to see if she posted a pic of her kid or not. Crazy.

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Re: Husband's love for first child from first marriage

Not going to get any advice here brother.

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Re: Husband’s love for first child from first marriage

umeed pe duniya qaim hai aur kuch ache logon ki waja se life1 aabad hai :wink:

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Re: Husband's love for first child from first marriage

What's wrong with that if she's doing that for a good cause?? She doesn't stalk it for her own benefits. I see nothing crazy in that. It's just the concern and some sensitivity!!

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Re: Husband's love for first child from first marriage

Hmmm.....I don't know anything about the laws in Pakistan but I'm amazed there isn't some type of joint custody arrangement. OR that the wife was able to move to the U.S. with the son without the biological father's approval. I understand a parent not wanting to put a child through the mental strain of seeing the fight....but at the same time, I wonder how a child would feel knowing his/her father didn't put up a MAJOR fight in order to maintain a relationship with the child.

Anyway....to answer your question.....I think the 2nd wife should STOP mentioning the son to her husband. If the husband wants to look for updates....he knows where to look. Allow the husband to decide if and when he's ready to hear any news about his son. At the end of the day....its HIS son. The 2nd wife needs to stop stalking the 1st wife's FB page. She (2nd wife) never even met the son! It should be the husband making an effort to go look at the FB page if he's interested in finding out future updates.

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Re: Husband's love for first child from first marriage

I think, she needs to stop. Its not like her husband can't keep track of the profile. So to spare herself from this dilemma,she can just stop doing it and leave to the husband to decide whether he wants to see the pics/updates or not.

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Re: Husband's love for first child from first marriage

Exactly when you love someone you start feeling attachment for his / her belongings, relationships, etc. I don't see problem in it as well, but she somehow have a feeling of guilt for making her hubby live in past.

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Re: Husband's love for first child from first marriage

[quote]
but at the same time, I wonder how a child would feel knowing his/her father didn't put up a MAJOR fight in order to maintain a relationship with the child.
[/quote]
The kid wouldn't be expecting his father to be of any good, the mother who doesn't want the father to contact the child, i doubt she will let the child have any neutral view of the father. She would have told him a million stories of how evil he was/is (including the fact that father didn't make an effort). So the bottomline is, the father has already been demonised in all likelihood. The concern you mentioned, is insignfiicant in grand scheme of things.

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Re: Husband's love for first child from first marriage

Agree.

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Re: Husband's love for first child from first marriage

No matter what they're told while growing up....it's very difficult for anyone to believe/accept that their father or mother did not love them enough to be a part of their life. Just b/c a child grows up hearing horror stories about a missing biological parent....that doesn't mean that he/she doesn't have TONS of questions in their mind or it doesn't effect them later in life.

I have no idea how ANYONE can think that the child's perception in cases like this is "insignificant". I'm not a parent myself so maybe I don't get it.........but I would imagine for most parents......at the end it's the child's physical/emotional well-being that takes #1 priority in the "grand scheme of things".

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Re: Husband's love for first child from first marriage

The father made efforts to file the custody or atleast meet him if he could not get the custody but she didn't allow that and married someone in US and settled there permanently.

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Re: Husband's love for first child from first marriage

BTW, I must say I find this part strange. If the 1st wife is so evil and truly heIl bent on keeping the husband out of the son's life......I have no idea why she would in a way "help" him out by posting pics of the son. I'd think she would make her profile 100% private and make sure the father doesn't find anything about the son through her. This is not the usual behavior I've seen in cases like this.

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Re: Husband’s love for first child from first marriage

:konfused: So the courts in Pakistan gave sole custody to the mother and denied ANY visitation to the father?

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Re: Husband's love for first child from first marriage

Maybe she is just being nasty by tormenting him with pics of his son, sort of taunting "see what I won't let you have".