HI all,
I have been thinking about posting this thread for awhile. I was bit apprehensive but I thought I would ask others opinions on my dilemma.
Lately I have been noticing that my husband is becoming more and more isolated. He just goes to work and then comes home and eats dinner and goes to bed. He doesn’t really do much on the weekdays and weekends he’ll either go shopping or just sleep. He doesn’t really socialize much beyond work. Since we are new to the city we live (well we’re not exactly new, we’ve been here for five years) we don’t have that many friends. I have a significant family presence here (my parents live in Pakistan but visit often), I have alot of chachas, phuppos, cousins etc. My husband doesn’t have alot of family here or in general as his parents both have died and were divorced before. He wasn’t really close to his dad as his dad remarried shortly after divorcing his mom and supported them financially but never saw them. The last time my husband went to Pakistan was for his dad’s funeral and he hadn’t seen his Dad in over 16 years. To make matters worse, he has a maternal cousin here and he was significantly closer to his maternal side, she lives in the same city as us. Her parents visited her but made no mention of this to my husband! He found out on facebook that there were here. And when we confronted them about this, they in turn turned it on us. They claimed that we never picked up the phone and a bunch of lies. So needless to say, his family is just horrible, and he in turn has had to rely on himself alot. He put himself through college, grad school etc.
Given all this, I think he has really become hardened towards life and in a sense become very defensive. Inherently, this defensiveness his covering up his sensitivity and vulnerability. I also have a brother here to whom Im not very close too but my husband tried to develop a relationship for a significant number of years. However, my brother never really responded to this and claimed that he was busy with school and finding job. However, now that my brother is getting married in December he wants my husband to attend all his functions with his inlaws and wants him to be apart of the wedding when he never really helped us at all. My parents obviously side with my brother so it basically puts myself in the middle of my parents, brother and my husband.
What I am trying to get at is that I think once my husband gets hurt, he shuts himself off to that person. Instead of giving them a second chance, he repeats over and over again how that person hurt him or us. What I am worried about is that he does this with everyone, from my parents, brother, his cousin etc. He really has isolated himself.
Has this happened to anyone? I tried therapy but the one time my husband went it basically boiled down to the fact that we come from two very different families but we never really came up with ideas to overciome that. Any suggestions would help!
I wanted to add this: I love my husband very much and am very proud of what he's accomplished. I just think his social skills need a bit of work because he comes off as being mean and arrogant but in turn he's really not. He genuinely is a very nice person but I feel like I am the only person who knows that when I want everyone to know these qualities about him. At the end of the day, if this is all that is wrong with my husband then thats ok, I can deal with it. But if there is a solution to this problem, one that I haven't found yet then I am willing to try it which is why I posted this thread.
Your parents will naturally defend your brother and rightly so. A wedding is a big deal and (hopefully) a once-in-a-lifetime occasion. If your husband is MIA during your brother's various shadi celebrations, it won't go unnoticed and people will gossip. I've actually seen this happen. Many years ago I attended the wedding of a friend and her older sister's husband did not show up. We found out later that their marriage was on the rocks and eventually they divorced, but people talked about his absence both during the wedding and even after it. So, you and your husband have to ask yourselves..."is it really worth it to turn this into an ego issue or is it better to just suck it up and show support for your brother's wedding?" Sometimes when we decide to teach people a lesson with a dose of their own bitter medicine we earn ourselves short-term gratification at the expense of long-term headache and drama.
Your brother should have been more receptive of your husband's efforts, but perhaps he really was bogged down with school and work. Perhaps his personality is the kind where he doesn't get too close to people. Whatever his reasons were for being distant, he wants your husband to be present and part of possibly the most important day in his life. It's not unusual to find relatives (especially in-laws) screw each other over at weddings, to ignore each other etc etc. Your brother values your husband enough to where he wants him to be present. So, do the right thing. Skipping the shadi or attending it with a chilly attitude will not only ruin what is supposed to be a memorable event, it'll hurt so many people (brother, ur parents, etc). You know your husband to be a genuinely nice person who will take the higher road even with those who hurt him, so then take the higher road this time too and remind your husband of this. Just as people misjudge your husband as arrogant, perhaps you are misjudging your brother; maybe he truly was bogged down with work, school, and other matters. It's easier said than done, but give him the benefit of the doubt.
As for your husband, if he doesn't feel comfortable with seeing a therapist then don't push it. If your husband is naturally a more introvert personality, then he won't be outgoing even if he hadn't been hurt by his father etc etc...because it's a personality thing. Have you told him that people misjudge him as arrogant and that you want others to see how wonderful he is? If not, then tell him this. Tell him that you can't determine if someone is worth keeping ties with until you loosen up and let them in a bit. I feel that there are only a handful of people I can call sincere friends so that said, I socialize with others but I try to lower my expectations so as to not get hurt. It takes time to let your walls down. If you're feeling lonely due to lack of a social life, let him know. But don't pester him about it all the time.
My mother always says its better to make 1000 friend than 1 enemy. It means its better to keep on good terms with people especially family. As their the only ones who will pull through for you in the end. Alot of families fight of petty issues but when big issues occur they always pull through usually. The past should stay in the past, as wedding is a big thing and he will be an uncle to your brothers children which is of important significance and vice versa if anything God forbids happened to your husband your brother will be the male figure in your kids lives.
Perhaps convince your husband that religion encourages forgiveness and a good relationship needs to be maintained for your kids sake since you will want them to have a good relationship with their future cousins and uncle.
Also if your brother says he was busy and had an excuse it a good enough reason. He probably put it off because he knew that since your husband is married to his sister a relationship will always be there; so there is no urgency to maintain the relationship. With friendships people tend to put more effort than with family since these can easily drift away if contact isn't regular.
Is your husband planning to skip the wedding? Or he doesn't want to take part in arrangements?
if it's the former then you should try to talk to him to attend the function if it's the latter then you should tell your brother to suck it up and don't expect everyone in family to bend over coz he is getting married.
From what OP has described, her husband is not a mean-spirited individual that is seeking revenge for those that have wronged him. Rather he seems to be isolating himself to protect himself from being hurt. (Maybe I see it this way because it’s a path that I have travelled myself.)
He seems to come from a background where family did not really play the role that they are supposed to. His parents likely were not in a healthy relationship when they were together, hence the divorce. Then his father only provided financial support, which while necessary is not what children from a broken home look for or value. So insisting that family ties are important and how they will come in useful later in life is not an argument that he’s going to see much value in.
My two cents:
Continue to seek therapy with a qualified professional…not from the perspective that something is wrong with him but from one of caring and loving. Let him know that you are worried about his emotional health.
If he refuses to go then go on your own. A therapist may be able to help you learn how to make subtle changes in your lifestyle as a couple that will lead to change in his approach towards life.
Don’t give two hoots about what people will say…that is the single most destructive behaviour we adopt.
I think Muzna hit the nail on the head :-) my point is that my husband is basically withdrawing himself from people. Because he himself had a really messed up family, he doesn't see the value in keeping any familial relationships especially when they have had past transgressions aka like my brother or his cousin. It's like once they wronged him then that's it, he will close himself off to that particular person. But what I'm trying to get him to see is that is not a healthy behavior. He's just avoiding people instead of really addressing what's going on. Since he never learned to do that in his family, I feel like teaching him now at like 34 is very hard.
Knowing him, he will go to the wedding. He won't participate and probably leave early but he'll go since it's a big function and my parents have invited a lot of people. But like going to my brothers house or if my brother has kids, I have no idea how that relationship will work
Well the answer is that it won't work. Most likely he will not change doesn't matter how much you try, except that he finds a friend who is really good in relationships, that can really help.
Maybe if your brother apologized or explained his behavior to your husband, your husband might get past it. If your husband feels wronged, he's going to hold on to the resentment and in fact it will get worse because he'll feel like he had to bend to appease your brother (who according to you, ignored his initial friendship overtures, and now just because your brother wants your husband to attend the wedding so as not to cause comment, is making nice). Have you been able to meet other couples through work or the masjid? Invite them over and try to build your social circle - that might help your husband come out of his shell. I think other than therapy, you need to make an effort to help your husband overcome his hurt and disillusionment in people.
I can tell you that impressing upon him that his behaviour is not healthy is not going to win his favour. Based on even the little information you have provided it seems that he has had many (or at least enough) disappointing relationships in life that will always serve to reinforce his ideas of self-preservation through isolation or disassociation.
Are there any positive relationships? Are there people whose company he values and enjoys? Even if there is one or two, try to spend more time with them so that he gets more exposure. And definitely try to make some new friends....but take it slow because people will make mistakes.....and he will instantly be critical and ready to write them off. Try many new friends and small durations of time spent with each to minimize the opportunity for them to foul it up, so to speak.
Don't try to look too far into the future....just handle the here and now and take small steps. Nothing drastic.
You two moved to your current city 5 YEARS ago and still haven't manage to make a few friends? All your focus seems to be in the family (your family or his). There is nothing wrong with that but clearly, for various reasons, your husband is not interested in pursuing a friendship with either side of the family. If your main concern is his social isolation, then why don't you help him in making friends. And in the process, make friends yourself.
Is there not a desi community in your city? Do you and your husband not have ANY hobbies where you can go meet people? Cooking classes, activities classes like dance, gym, yoga etc? Does your husband like playing any sports? Do you know any of your husband's co-workers wives? Do you work? You're very critical of your husband's social skill so I assume your social skills are much better. So use your own social skills to becomes friends with couples who are not related to either one of you so that both you and your husband can be more social.
Your husband is a 34-year old grown man. Forcing him to socialize with people he doesn't want to socialize with is not going to have any positive results in the long run. With enough nagging, sooner or later, he will feel attacked in his own home and withdraw from you.
P.S. You guys have been dealing with fertility issues for the past year or so. I assume this is taking a emotional toll on BOTH of you. Could that be a reason your husband is isolating himself more recently? Has anyone in the family made any comments to him about this that may have hurt/angered him?
I agree with you guys on the fact that we need to make friends outside of the family. I will definitely take your guys suggestion and slowly try to draw my husband out of his shell. Which is easier said then done but I am definitely glad I got some feedback from you guys because it made me see an aspect that I completely missed
We haven't really told anyone about our fertility issues as were really not ready to discuss that with our immediate family and def not extended family. So no one has said anything to him that I know of. He's been very supportive on that end as that's been very frustrating as well.
Agree… My 2 cents? In many families the damad will participate in all the functions and whatnot and be friends wiht his wife’s brothers and cousins, but in a lot of other families that’s not the case and that’s perfectly alright too, no one is worse for wear. It should be enough that he at least attends most of the (important) functions and be friendly and kind to everyone he meets.