I got married a few years ago when both husband and I were starting out in our careers. It eventually became apparent that the field he works in has died its death and as result the pay in his current job is poor and there are no prospects for progression. He’s a smart guy with some great skills but unfortunately he lacks experience to move into other areas of work where he could use his qualifications. Re- qualifing just doesn’t seem possible. He’s worked really hard to get where he is and has various loans for his education already. The trouble is without the right experience no one takes a second look at his CV. We have applied for hundreds of jobs. Tried to get our connections to help etc.
I’ve tried to be supportive but it’s coming on to a year now of searching and I’m losing hope.
In a year or so we were wanting to start a family but things haven’t turned out how we had hoped (when do they ever I guess). I had hoped he would have our own place and he would be earning enough for me to work part time. Right now if I gave up working we would really struggle to make ends meet. I don’t like the idea of working full time and having no time for my child. My own career seems to have more prospects and I know he would be flexible about going part time and tbh he is more of a kid friendly person but I guess the traditionalist in me feels a bit uncertain about this arrangement? The alternative is to delay having a family but getting closer to 30 I feel conscious that it should be soon? I would appreciate your thoughts on my situation and what you would do.
Re: husbands career, relationship and children
I don't like the idea of working full time and having no time for my child. My own career seems to have more prospects and I know he would be flexible about going part time and tbh he is more of a kid friendly person but I guess the traditionalist in me feels a bit uncertain about this arrangement? The alternative is to delay having a family but getting closer to 30 I feel conscious that it should be soon? I would appreciate your thoughts on my situation and what you would do.
1) It's really hard to make any comments/suggestions without knowing what your husband's educational background or career is. Is he able to go back to school and switch to something else in a year or two? For example, if he already took science courses or in in some type of health related field, he can go back to school for programs like dental hygiene, radiation tech/ultrasound tech etc......careers where there are job prospects and pay pretty decent. So have you two explored options related to his field.
2) Have you searched for jobs only in the city you live in currently? Or are you open to moving and have searched everywhere possible?
3) What are your work hours like? If you have a 40-hour/week job and if your husband is willing to work part-time or even stay home and take care of cleaning/cooking etc. while you're at work.....that would give you plenty of time with your future child in the evenings/weekends. I know several women who have a similar type of arrangement. In fact, last week I had lunch with a old school friend and found out that she went back to work 2 months after having her baby and her husband actually took paternity leave and they plan on the husband going part-time after the paternity leave is over. They made this decision b/c she makes more money and her benefits (ie. health insurance etc.) are better than what his company provides. At the end, this is a decision only you can make. Not all women are ok with this arrangement b/c of the traditionalist thinking.
4) 30 is not a big deal IMO. Assuming you've been checked out by a GYN and have no health issues or reason to think that you'll have trouble conceiving.....30 is not a deadline. Most women I know personally had their babies after 30. My own mother had my two younger sisters in her late 30's. Plenty of women these days have babies at 32/33/34 etc. So assuming you're in good health, don't use "30" as some deadline by which you must have a baby.
Re: husbands career, relationship and children
Thanks Paheli.
1) He's a lawyer but has worked mostly in crime and injury work due to various government reforms pay in this area is pretty bad- a cashier at a shop can sometimes earn more than a lawyer in this area. He wants to move into the commercial field where there are more jobs and better pay but no one offers him interviews because his experience is essentially irrelevant I guess. The difficulty with going back to school is the cost and also the lack of guarantee of a job at the end because relevant experience is his issue not qualifications.
2) We have looked just outside our city (which would mean me commuting into my job) but perhaps we should look elsewhere. I have a feeling he might face a similar problem in other cities but you never know I guess. We did once talk about this and I said I could join him later if I was able to find something but he didn't like that idea. Might be time to give that some serious consideration though.
3) I've floated this idea with him and he isn't against it. It's not ideal but then I guess that's life. I really see a lot of potential in him to go really far if someone gave him the opportunity which is why I also don't like the idea of him putting his career second. I guess it can't be helped that the field I am in is growing and his isn't.
4) That's a good suggestion to have a check up. Hopefully that will put to rest a little the worries I have around this. I also know plenty of people who have had kids a bit later but always see stuff in the media about how women should start at 30. Recently a friend of mine who had a baby at 28 and is now 31 and been trying for a second for a year was saying shes been having difficulty conceiving and that got me thinking again. I guess you just never know with these things.
Re: husbands career, relationship and children
Delaying another 3-4 years will not have much impact on your reproductive potential or energy, just take care of your health.
Re: husbands career, relationship and children
He has plenty of options!!!! If his experience is personal injury - has he looked at insurance defense? His existing experience should be sufficient to get promising opportunities there. Other than that, if he's interested in the commercial field, maybe he can do less expensive securities/finance courses offered through the local securities regulators and obviously, he needs to network. Networking is the best way to get entry into another segment of the legal field. What country do you live in? And if you're comfortable sharing - what city? Better yet, what city would you like to be living in?
Re: husbands career, relationship and children
One of the things he can do is enlist a professional's help in re-writing the resume. Check Groupon to get a good deal on it; I often see $40 around where I live and they are worth it. Specially if you want to change the field/track.
I would also suggest breaking things down a bit so you don't get overwhelmed by all of it. For eg., see if you can unlink child-care and pregnancy issue from the employment and livelihood issue, it will be less daunting and hopefully easy to tackle.
Re: husbands career, relationship and children
Thanks Sehrysh. We are in London.
I thought insurance litigation roles would be good but they aren't interested in anyone with a PI background, they want someone with a background in the big litigation work. Have even tried going for the most junior roles but no luck there
Re: husbands career, relationship and children
He has a pretty vast network and people promise to help but ultimately fail to do anything :(
Will have a look into whether there are any shorter and less expensive courses that might help.
The CV has been reviewed by a number of people in this field and so I think it's in a good state.
So difficult to unlink the issues like you said OYWMA
Re: husbands career, relationship and children
1) He's a lawyer but has worked mostly in crime and injury work due to various government reforms pay in this area is pretty bad- a cashier at a shop can sometimes earn more than a lawyer in this area. He wants to move into the commercial field where there are more jobs and better pay but no one offers him interviews because his experience is essentially irrelevant I guess. The difficulty with going back to school is the cost and also the lack of guarantee of a job at the end because relevant experience is his issue not qualifications.
Unfortunately I don't know anything about the legal field in the UK. But in additional to attending legal networking events on a regular basis and looking for job everywhere, I would also recommend looking into advanced degreed if that's an option in the UK.
2) We have looked just outside our city (which would mean me commuting into my job) but perhaps we should look elsewhere. I have a feeling he might face a similar problem in other cities but you never know I guess. We did once talk about this and I said I could join him later if I was able to find something but he didn't like that idea. Might be time to give that some serious consideration though.
I could suggest looking everywhere in the UK. Since the ideal situation is for HIM to work full-time and for you to work part time or not work at all....then your current job should not come into play. If he is able to find a job anywhere in the UK that pays well enough for you to stay-at-home or look for another job (full-time or part-time) in a different city, then based on your ideal future goals, that shouldn't be an issue. If he gets a well-paying job, he could move to the city for 3-4 months and settle down and see how it goes. If things go smooth then you can move there and join him. Depending on the distance, you quit your current job and find a new one OR commute if possible.
3) I've floated this idea with him and he isn't against it. It's not ideal but then I guess that's life. I really see a lot of potential in him to go really far if someone gave him the opportunity which is why I also don't like the idea of him putting his career second. I guess it can't be helped that the field I am in is growing and his isn't.
Life requires compromises. You and your husband will NOT get everything you want. If the job situation for your husband doesn't get settled by the time you're 32, then if he's ok with being the primary care-giver, you two should consider that route. It doesn't have to be decided right now but just keep that possibility open in the back of your mind.
4) That's a good suggestion to have a check up. Hopefully that will put to rest a little the worries I have around this. I also know plenty of people who have had kids a bit later but always see stuff in the media about how women should start at 30. Recently a friend of mine who had a baby at 28 and is now 31 and been trying for a second for a year was saying shes been having difficulty conceiving and that got me thinking again. I guess you just never know with these things.
Yes, get a full GYN check-up to make sure everything is ok. Here in the U.S., women usually get yearly check-ups. Don't worry about what you see in the media. Talk to your GYN and make decisions based on your own body. Like you said, these things are unpredictable and nothing is guaranteed either way.
Re: husbands career, relationship and children
I would also suggest he consider other "non-traditional" but law-heavy careers - they can be lucrative as well. Risk management, regulatory compliance (banking, health, environmental), consulting, policy advisory, mediation, legal technical writing - the list is endless!!! There are a lot of career options that use or give preference to law degree holders as the basis for qualifications, but the careers may not be those of a practicing lawyer. Try and think outside the box! Good luck!!