Husband with chronic back pain making me miserable

Lifestyle Relationships
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Hello everyone, I’m a serial lurker but wanted some advice. I hope you don’t judge me as this has been really difficult to finally write down and ‘talk’ to somebody about it so here goes…

Been married for about 6 years, we have a little girl. we had an arranged marriage and things were very rocky - I knew I was meant to leave him but my parents said I couldn’t leave him (divorce just doesn’t happen in my family even though my husband was divorced) I left my relatively good job to move other side of the country, had a baby pretty much straight away as I didn’t see the point of starting and stopping a new job as I wanted kids out the way first because of mine and his age. It didn’t help that I’m very attachment parent orientate which meant it was so hard just leaving my baby anywhere. So therefore I became financially independent on him and with that came alot of abuse, mainly my own fault as I believed back then in my naivety that a good Muslim girl obeys her husband so I took abuse in various forms for the sake of sabr and pleasing God. And also because I knew my parents wouldn’t let me divorce so I thought I better just suck it up.

Any way it’s taken me a long time to sort myself out overcome my anxiety that appeared after marriage etc I also had Health problems after my girl was born, I am doing well to regain my independence as our little girl grows up. I deliberately held off anymore kids as I wanted to get my life in order first and make an informed choice this time. I accepted things a few years ago that this arranged marriage could never turn into love and we must exist together for the sake of our girl. Speaking to him before marriage was a waste of time as a lot of it was hypothetical scenarios and his replies were him being idealist. Realistically he had no backbone to stand up for what is right or do what was right by me in the confines of our home, never mind when dealing with third parties.

I feel this info is relevant to what’s happening now. Over the last couple of years my husband has been suffering chronic back pain, I know marriage is ‘in sickness and in health’ but it’s making me so miserable dealing with him because of all the resentment I have for him. It’s especially difficult as I have no support network here, part of his family’s plan was to get me here on my own without any of my family around (he said this himself) and boy I have suffered for it in our relatively short time together.

Before, even though our relationship was dead we would still hang out together, go places -honestly that kept me going as apart from him I had no social life. The time has passed by us just hanging out, because I have nobody else to hang out with. I hate going out without a companion be it friend or husband. All my friends I left behind reluctantly and maintaining long distance friendships are difficult when u can’t be around for birthdays and weddings and births etc you fall out of the loop. I really hated no being able to have a friend turn up to my house for a cup of tea for half and hour, or go out shopping together. I have mourned these things and I have accepted it.

So now he’s so not into going anywhere long distance (by that I mean half an hour drive) there is nothing in this town so we used to travel abit further for shops and eateries and outdoor spaces and even then his back limits his activities. Since I’ve picked myself up I’ve developed interests which involve physical acutivity something I can only do with my girl now and not him. I feel like a single mother.

If I loved him I know I’d be sympathetic and would be more patient but because of how our marriage has always been I feel like I drew a short straw. First he treats me like crap and now I’m having to care for him or just be a complete loner in this town, I haven’t been able to make friends being out of work and the limitations he placed on me meant I couldn’t go out and meet people especially when I was pregnant and post natally. This was the loneliest part of my life.

Anyway so sorry to go on, I just need some advice really. I’m not planning on leaving him especially now that he’s unwell but how can I cope with this? I’m trying to sign up for classes/hobbies and hope I meet people as I really can’t stay at home. I am also doing an academic PG course which is helping me focus on my career goals etc. I’m not obedient anymore I do my own thing but I don’t go out or do ‘bad’ things I just don’t ask him for anything anymore because when I did used to ask him he would go power crazy and say no and restrict me. Now I believe my life is none of his business. I never used to be like that :frowning:

He takes walks to the park but I just dread his company so much, I just send our girl with him so they spend time together. He won’t ask her to come with him I have to suggest it. It’s like because of his back he has no interest in anything even simple things such as reading or ‘educating’ her. But he’s been quite lazy in that regard before his back pain. He has been having CBT etc and counselling for his pain but he’s quite closed minded as I’m not sure he wants to be helped as I have suggested lots of alternative therapies such as acupuncture, cupping, homeopathy, osteopathy and he just doesn’t want to know or just sounds really unenthusiastic which makes me feel deflated. I have my own mental health issues which haven’t been diagnosed but they’re there, but they have to take a back seat.

I know this all sounds so ’ me me me’ but I honestly haven’t been treated well by this person or his family. My own family are the reason I stayed in this marriage. This is a bad situation but I have to deal with it best because of our little girl.

Please help :frowning: any advice, coping strategies are welcome x

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Re: Husband with chronic back pain making me miserable

How did he and his family treat you that left you so resentful? Were they abusive in anyway? Why did you marry him? How soon after your wedding you realized you wanted to leave him? I am asking because your own feelings could have affected how you reacted to everything that has happened in your marriage. It's also possible you ignored and let go of many of your own mistakes and held on to his because you wanted to leave him. My advise is to leave him if you feel like you never loved him. Get a job and don't change your mind. Why stay in a loveless marriage?

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Re: Husband with chronic back pain making me miserable

I really did feel so much more for him, we spoke before marriage and I felt he was the one lol naive I know now, but then I realised I was the one putting so much in but getting so little out. The abuses that can happen in this set up were happening. Basically they were really cold towards me from the get go whereas I was their lap dog doing whatever they wanted, it started to feel uncomfortable when I realised whenever I suggested something like going away somewhere, he would always tell me he'd have to see what his parents say. I think there was major baggage from his first marriage and I was paying for it. I realised they did the same things to her that they did to me. My husband would act like he loved me but it became suffocating when they would put me down to my face and my husband would sit their quietly. Now I can understand if my husband would secretly tell me it's okay but he would just say ur the outsider you have to win them over but i felt i did my best but eventually I knew I was sacrificing myself and getting nothing back. I could understand if my husband would appreciate the things I did with his family but the more I gave the more they wanted but when I stopped making efforts my husband would complain.

I know all this is normal for a daughter in law in our culture but I was getting no life with my husband, even he was so reluctant with me as he didn't want to hurt his parents like they got hurt in his first marriage. He wouldn't go on honeymoon straight after the wedding because last time they went and his parents felt left out so we would wait. By the time his next holidays came along I didn't really fancy any honeymoon. We had this conversations candidly. This was my first marriage and I was really loved up but I could tell he just didn't want to invest emotionally never mind financially because he was so worried about divorce. And this really affected me. I only wanted to marry one and due to low self esteem I suffered growing up I just wanted to settle I didn't want to go back to parents house where they would taunt me for being a burden. I was independent I didn't ask for money but I was still a burden as I was unmarried. So when this rishta came he ticked all the boxes. If I got divorced my parents would never support me they made it very clear and that made me really fearful as I did not have the confidence to be alone, yes I knew how to earn but emotionally i was too scared.

You can say I made mistakes but when I was conditioned my whole life that my parents house was never mine it made sense to me to make sincere efforts for husband and in laws. It was no dirt off my back making efforts it was only when complaining came really petty complaining but it hurt so much that they played mind games, there was coldness when I would be warm, I have a sense of humour and try to use it but it got so taxing for me, especially when I realised my husband wasn't going to be my support.

The mistake I Made was care what my family think. When I told them about the problems (2 year later) I didn't have the heart to tell them anything before but when I told them they were shocked, they hated
the situation spoke to my husband and his parents only to be met with defensiveness, my parents saw what was going on when they spoke themselves to these people but when it came to divorce somehow they would just turn really scary. I know I should've been stronger but it's hard.

I started accepting things when I got pregnant but i felt worse after the baby mainly because I needed my mum around me but all I got were taunts and my husband joining in. My baby was high needs and part of the reason I couldn't leave him, especially where severe food allergies were concerned. I realised quickly after the baby I needed to work but it was hard to leave the baby so I made do with the situation and by Allahs will I have gained strength to question a bad regime, I started being really distant as I am non confrontational, I maintained my dignity and gave respect but it was so fake now. so slowly as my child became more independent and when I felt more confident she could be left alone I took courses and alhamdulilah I came out of the fog. There were times I wouldn't leave the house for months on end, there was nowhere of walking distance and I wasn't allowed to take a taxi and I wasn't allowed to have a car, the only way Was I would have to ask his family and even at the beginning I did this happily when things were seemingly ok, if I wanted to go to my beautician appointment I would get 10 questions asked in the end I wouldn't be taken there. It really put me off then but once things were bad they would be the last people I would rely on so I stayed at home. Prior to marriage I had my own car but he told me to sell it as he'd get my one when I would need one but it seemed it was more when he felt I needed one.

I should've left that him was my mistake but I couldn't turn to my family so my thinking was lots of our women live like this, I can do it too but I have prospects I don't need to put up with it so I'm doing my own thing. Also my husband would say if I left him he would gain custody of our daughter because he can afford the lawyers, he started playing This dirty game of trying to make me look like a bad mother to myself and my parents so I quickly realised he would also do this in court but I told him all the doctors know me because I'm constantly harassing them for referrals with my worries so I don't think they'll think I'm a bad mother when I devote myself to the care of our child. So you see it's not so simple when I know he wouldn't make it simple. Maybe I'm not there yet but when in ready to leave I will be strong enough not to be fearful of his threats.

I just wanted advice on how to make things better for myself now I'm having to do much for him because of his back. The background was more just so you knew the situation, you don't have to believe me, it is quite unbelievable in a way and it looks like I must've done something to make them this way but I can't prove anything on a forum.

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Re: Husband with chronic back pain making me miserable

That is terrible! I understand why you haven't left yet but in your heart you know you need to sooner or later. Karma is a b!#@h and your husband's condition is his punishment for mistreating you all these years. Focus on yourself and your child and do whatever you can to become independent financially. If I were you, I would leave as soon as I was ready and would not care what anybody thought of it. You had six years to go through the abuse, your family didn't. No need to be afraid of what they will think or do, they will come around it eventually. It's your life and you have to live it.

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Re: Husband with chronic back pain making me miserable

I agree with the above post.

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Husband with chronic back pain making me miserable

You need to leave. Like asap! This man and his family will never change. You can do this yourself dont ever put yourself down!

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Re: Husband with chronic back pain making me miserable

No good advice, but I hurt reading this :( Best of luck to you OP.

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May..Allah SWT be with you. That is why!! I emphasize to all women that...you cannot just rely financially on a guy. Yes he is responsible for you everyway..but please! Invest in yourselves. Take a job, interact with people. If you feel you are being abused..speak up!. Secondly..yo...i am kind of person...who just dont simply jump into conclusion about anyone's character or state of mind. Talking about your husband here.

About him threatening you...well he is just simply playing mind games with you. Threat is a threat when a person directly make remarks or have intention to hurt you!. Look at his intention and niyah.

My best advise would be...if you can get some elder from masjid involve...talk to him to your husband about the idea...see if he changes. That way, masjid elder will be witness of the situation and your hardship. When you decide to leave..you will leave with no regrets. But make sure! you do talk front of masjid elder. Both of you..before coming to any conclusion. This is indeed..mature way of dealing with such things. May Allah help you and your husband..Ameen.

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Re: Husband with chronic back pain making me miserable

Thanks to everyone's advice I appreciate it -the family have had many spells of bad luck which do make me wonder if it is karma. God knows best.

Xtron, firstly thanks for your dua. God knows I pleaded with him to have someone from the masjid, a neutral but he said you only get outsiders involved if you want to divorce, he refused and I told him it's because he knows he's doing wrong. We got into a very distasteful war about religion which he used texts to justify his behaviour and to discredit me he would say such and such is difference of opinion -this made me move away from religion, I felt why is our religion so easy to manipulate by these men, he had Quranic quotes to justify his behaviour but my defence were from Hadiths and scholarly opinions which he questioned or said they're a wahabi scholar etc. I know Quran has been misinterpreted but why didnt God make it clear in the first place so these stupid men couldn't get it wrong?! There's so many things about women must do this, they must to that but when Allah or His Messenger speaks to men it's like they can be nice if they feel like it, there's no eternal damnation for men but it's all written clearly for women. Not wanting to start a debate, I've had plenty of those.

Anyway it got so taxing that I thought forget this its religion that got me in this mess in the first place, it's religion that told me to obey this bad person, it's religion that told me that I will go to hell for displeasing my husband. And look what happened, he took advantage of me. I trusted him. I was religious since I was 17 but now I don't care anymore. I know my faults but I'm not unjust to people so I really cannot tolerate someone who is unjust to me when I am his amanat.

I also suggested marriage counselling but he again refused saying non Muslims don't understand our situation and will tell us to divorce. So I went on my own for a session but they wanted him to come too but obviously he didn't.

That was when I cared about our marriage and cared about him so was frantically trying to find ways for him to see where I was coming from but when he refused I stopped caring. It's like a switch went off and I stopped giving a damn. I stopped listening to him and asking him for things. I started building my own world and now my world is almost complete its a nice peaceful place. You could say now I'm a bad wife but I'm passed caring.

With his pain now I know he really doesn't understand why I'm cold. I do the bare minimum and I don't feel bad because I know what this guy has put me through and even though every so often he would say he's been a jerk to me, the damage to my heart was done a long time ago. He really feels like a burden to me. These illnesses are difficult for healthy marriages to deal with never mind for an abusive one.

One good thing from this is I've learned some hard lessons of life, my parents didn't teach me anything about how in laws and husbands can be. I was very sheltered in that sense. Nobody warned me about leaving my job relying on a man. My dad wanted me to be independent but I didn't know why I should give birth and work at the same time, that seemed like a bad deal to me but nobody told me the greater But I was so naive, parents could t wait to get me married off so even though I was uncomfortable with leaving my job I honestly felt pressured and knew they'd make my life difficult if I refused this man, he was a nice quiet person, had a good job what was my problem.

Now at least I can warn my daughter and support her so she never feels forced to put up with this situation. But I feel men only treat women badly when they know these women have nobody who will defend them. I think these people knew my parents were desperate, when my dad rang his dad to complain about their treatment of me his dad told my dad that "your daughter is lucky to have our son" my dad said nothing. That's the sort of respect they had. My dad is a very strong scary person who commands respect but he let this man say this about me? Why?
I would never let anyone say that about my daughter. I would never let anyone think they're doing my daughter a favour by marrying her. Sadly this is the reason so many girls are still abused -because people still think they did us a favour by marrying us.

Thanks for all the replies and sorry I write so much.

Thanks again and pray for me may be God will listen.

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Re: Husband with chronic back pain making me miserable

Please don't feel bad Mrs Saieen, It's made me a stronger and more wise person, even though it has given me so many health problems and bad iman which is the worst thing. I know if God is just, these people will get their due

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Re: Husband with chronic back pain making me miserable

@Zeba15- you have your head and heart in the right place. You are doing great and I am sure when you finally leave, you will be an even better mother to your daughter. Don't let her witness this abuse and think that is how men are. There are many kind hearted and good men out there. Stay strong and believe you will get through this.

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Re: Husband with chronic back pain making me miserable

I think ya described perfectly well. As T said..and i really feel bad saying this...just leave. But please..do get a job somewhere first. Because it is really tough outthere. We live in absolute crazy world. Lets just say..for you and your child and your sanity leave.
You did try your best..to get a third person involve..if he doesn't understand..nothing will make him understand. 6 years is very long time!. I really do not blame you for not trying to work things out.

I am of those opinion that..both couple maturely should be able to talk things out before anyone getting involve. May Allah be with you..always!.

This typical desi mentality of parents..who think..they and their sons are holy..have destroyed many lives.

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Re: Husband with chronic back pain making me miserable

@Zeba though I genuinely feel sorry for you, I think it would have been ideal if you could look at things from the husband's perspective. He had the baggage from a previous marriage. Uou being unmarried, he would definitely have his doubts on why you consented to the marriage. It is easy to get bogged down and worry. I understand that the stage has now passed and you have moved on.

For a moment just a take moment to pause and think about your own self. You are dependent on him financially still and have no love and respect for him. Does it sound right.
What does his family think of the situation now. If he truly understands what you feel about him, what would happen. Would you have the means to support yourself and the kid if he divorces you. I am not saying that you should reconcile with him, but you should give it some serious thought. Maybe he understands his mistakes and is open to reform. He might actually know how you feel about him. I am just saying. It is easy being judgmental and blame bad karma for his illness.
Maybe it is God's way of opening up a good life for you. Do not take any decision hastily. Trust God and everything will be well.

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Re: Husband with chronic back pain making me miserable

From her post, it is clear he doesn't want to try. If he cared to understand, he would at least try counseling. He wouldn't do that and 6 years is more than enough time to realize that your spouse isn't happy and do something about it. She suffered for six years because she tried to look at the situation from his perspective and let go. Once you stop caring, you just know there is no going back. Besides, there is no excuse in the world for abuse.

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Re: Husband with chronic back pain making me miserable

[quote]
That was when I cared about our marriage and cared about him so was frantically trying to find ways for him to see where I was coming from but when he refused I stopped caring. It's like a switch went off and I stopped giving a damn. I stopped listening to him and asking him for things. I started building my own world and now my world is almost complete its a nice peaceful place. You could say now I'm a bad wife but I'm passed caring.
[/quote]

If, in your heart of hearts, you know that you've done everything you could have done to preserve the sanctity of your commitment to your husband and you have seen no benefit then remove yourself to the peaceful place that you have built.

Not only do you owe this to yourself but you owe it to the young, immature mind that you are responsible for, that Allah has put in your care. She should not grow up believing that she needs to suck it up or put up with abuse from anyone. Show her that she can live with dignity and be happy on her own; that she doesn't need another in her life to make her "complete". Keep her from falling prey to the "princess fantasies".

Make it your mission to become financially independent. Formulate a concrete plan, with check-points and milestones that will get you to where you need to be.
Fortunately you have several years before your child has a need for significant expense (i.e. post secondary education if you are in the western world and even then there are ways). In the coming years you can save up and provide her with everything she needs.

In terms of your iman. This is a very personal thing so it's not fair for anyone to judge, but try to see ibadat/namaz as meditation. Don't let the interpretations of a male-dominated social structure govern your beliefs. Take up the Quran and read it for the sake of reading beautiful prose; the guidance will eventually come on its own. The questions will find answers. Just read.