This is pretty much a either you resent him forever or forget it situation. You can't go back to him with a heavy heart. So if you want to be introspective or pray about it then go ahead. Forgiveness is not easy but to make this marriage work you need to put this behind you.
You have access to the account so you know he had all the opportunity in the world to start an affair and that account would have all the proof. It doesn't mean the betrayal doesn't hurt but it's not crossing a very important line in your marriage.
So genuinely sit down with him and talk it out and look into your heart for complete forgiveness or to walk away completely if you are never going to stop being bitter. That's the only way.
No never.. he was always very honest righteous and upfront. he says that nothing is wrong with me and admits it just HIS mistake and i am the best wife and doesnt want to lose me.
I dunno what to believe and what not to
you are contradicting yourself. first you say he has always been very honest righteous and upfront. then you say you don't know whether to believe him. if he is that honest and great, then there is no reason for you to doubt him !
OP, he has been honest with you, let it go. Forgive him. Don't hold this over his head. Don't let this come between you and him. It seems like a really stupid mistake on his part. The good thing is he apologized. No reason to hold on to this. The more you over analyze this, the harder it will make your life. It is quite easy to lose someone's love over jealousy and resentment.
In a case of infidelity, I always blame the married spouse more than the person who he's cheated with, since the married spouse is the one who was in a committed relationship and he/she is the one who has betrayed those vows.
In this case, there may or may not have been a mild flirtation between the husband and his colleague and the husband is apologetic for his error. Sure, it's easy enough for most people to say, no harm done since he's sorry and he regrets his actions and has otherwise been very honest. But the truth is, Anam does feel like he's betrayed her trust and I don't blame her. If Anam was the one flirting with a guy, do you think her husband would be hunky-dory or would he be questioning her morals and the entire basis of his relationship with her and doubt her current and future fidelity? It's very easy to lose the trust and respect of a loved one, and very difficult to re-establish it. Yes, I think anam should forgive him, but only if he makes a genuine effort to regain her trust.
As for the girl colleague, I'm not so sure that I would call her such an innocent in all of this. I know from Anam's previous posts that she's in PK - that is a pretty conservative society. Why on earth is this girl chatting with a married man?!?!? So she doesn't know he has a child, does she also not know he's married? And um, sending a Valentine's message to a guy - who does that? Unless, two people send each other an anti-Valentine's Day message, sending one to someone of the oppposite gender can definitely be taken as having romantic or flirtatious overtones. And that this girl lied about being sick to get time off for a wedding - um, the girl colleague is obviously not someone who values honesty which doesn't speak to highly of her character.
I live in North America and I can tell you about a gori friend of mine whose husband was chatting with a female colleague. She HATED it!!! The female colleague knew he was married but it didn't seem to make a difference to her that she was being overly free with her attentions with this married married man and father of one.
So yeah, Anam is entitled to feel like her husband has betrayed her trust and as for the female colleague, I'd have serious doubts as to her intentions. If the husband has offered to change jobs, I'd definitely support such a decision.
As for the girl colleague, I'm not so sure that I would call her such an innocent in all of this. I know from Anam's previous posts that she's in PK - that is a pretty conservative society. **Why on earth is this girl chatting with a married man?!?!? So she doesn't know he has a child, does she also not know he's married? **And um, sending a Valentine's message to a guy - who does that? Unless, two people send each other an anti-Valentine's Day message, sending one to someone of the oppposite gender can definitely be taken as having romantic or flirtatious overtones.
Actually no, thanks to Anum's husband's behavior/representations....the Hindu girl thinks she's chatting with/sending Valentine's day messages to a SINGLE guy. See below which was in OP's first post.
Btw in this conversation he confessed that he didnt disclose his marriage there since it was a temporary job and has been thinking of doing it for long since he got permanent thr.
^ I thinks question was WHAT NOW? and not if she should feel betrayed or not. You can feel on way still react sensibly to the situation.
^ I wrote the treatise I did, because a lot of posters have thought of her as being immature and I think they're wrong to judge her as such. I think she's right to feel how she does and she should have her feelings acknowledged.
As to what she should do next - ending a marriage over this would be is going too far and damaging the other girl's repuation will only have negative consequences for her and her own husband - but, our acknowledging that the other girl is wrong, will make Anam feel vindicated and maybe that's what she needs. To feel like she's in the right and to help tell her husband that he needs to not be in the sphere of influence of this other girl.
Again, her husband is the married guy - it's his responsibility to be faithful, but why not remove yourself from temptation if he's so weak-willed?
**
** Edit:**** Okay, so maybe the other girl isn't wrong if she doesn't know he's married...but I'll admit to a bit of hypocrisy and say that flirting with a colleague just doesn't sit right with me. It's just a recipe for disaster, and that too in a Pakistani office setting.*
Actually no, thanks to Anum's husband's behavior/representations....the Hindu girl thinks she's chatting with/sending Valentine's day messages to a SINGLE guy. See below which was in OP's first post.
I missed that. I thought she knew he was married, but not that he had a child.
I still think her husband should change jobs if possible, or at least departments.
^ I wrote the treatise I did, because a lot of posters have thought of her as being immature and I think they're wrong to judge her as such. I think she's right to feel how she does and she should have her feelings acknowledged.
As to what she should do next - ending a marriage over this would be is going too far and damaging the other girl's repuation will only have negative consequences for her and her own husband - but, our acknowledging that the other girl is wrong, will make Anam feel vindicated and maybe that's what she needs. To feel like she's in the right and to help tell her husband that he needs to not be in the sphere of influence of this other girl.
Again, her husband is the married guy - it's his responsibility to be faithful, but why not remove yourself from temptation if he's so weak-willed?
**
** Edit:**** Okay, so maybe the other girl isn't wrong if she doesn't know he's married...but I'll admit to a bit of hypocrisy and say that flirting with a colleague just doesn't sit right with me. It's just a recipe for disaster, and that too in a Pakistani office setting.*
Agreed. I hate when posters make people feel ****ty for sharing their issues in Life1. I don't get why they get so much hate. I am sure what they are going through is hard enough, there is no need to call them immature or stupid. I have said this before and I am going to say this again. We need to be mindful with our comments in such threads. We have no idea of poster's emotional state.
Your husband lied about his marital status and about having a daughter but it might be more-so to fit in with the people at work than for cheating on you. Seeing as this co-worker of his flirts with everyone - I don't think he's cheating on you, and it might just be an ego-boost for him, and he might be getting a kick out of having some extra attention. This girl isn't really to blame so I don't see it as her fault anyways.
I don't think you handled finding out about it appropriately though. You are married now and your home is with your husband and your daughter. I would never advise running to your parents home when things get tough in your marriage - unless it's a clear sign of danger or extreme circumstances. It broadcasts to everyone that you two are having problems. So try to have those heated arguments in the comfort of your own home.
Also - if he's creating another Facebook account, hiding things from you - is there a reason? Are you an open and genuinely sane person to talk to when you're not pissed at him? Some men are just afraid of telling their wives things so they lie because they want to avoid an argument. Again I am NOT saying that what he did was right, I'm simply saying that make sure your marriage is one where both of you can be open and honest with one another. You guys need to work on your communication.
I don't agree with most here. Even if he is not cheating, he has all the intentions of cheating. Lying about marriage to fit in does not cut it for me. Is it wierd to be married? Most people marry, are expected to be married and plan to marry! There is nothing weird about it. I have never seen anyone being cut out from a social circle for being married.
I don't agree with most here. Even if he is not cheating, he has all the intentions of cheating. Lying about marriage to fit in does not cut it for me. Is it wierd to be married? Most people marry, are expected to be married and plan to marry! There is nothing weird about it. I have never seen anyone being cut out from a social circle for being married.
This is a lame excuse.
This. Blaming others/lame excuse for something he himself wants to do.
Hi could you please take time and read my previous posts what I've been through before you read my reply thanks.
You have only one daughter if I was you I would walk away from this marriage.
From my experience he will continue cheating on you I know they say we wives are the only one for them but my hubby also said there no harm chatting to other girls as long as they keep us happy.
True they will never leave us for these other girls but still is not way of life.
I'm still with him but I don't trust him and always keep an eye on him.
I'm only with him because he is good to the children and I'm not happy it doesn't matter to me.
And only Allah will judge him. There's nothing I can do now because u believe he is the part of worldly stuff that we shouldn't run after as this life is a test and Allah only test those people who he loves more.
^Why are you suggesting her to walk away from this marriage when you did not walk away from your own marriage? Just like you, she is a mother as well and has her child to think about. Also, your situation and the Op's may have some similarities but they're not quite the same IMO. The two situations cannot be equated and Op shouldn't react strongly to a situation that is not severe. Nevertheless, I hope that Allah guides both your husbands and resolves your problems and those of OP's soon; Amin.
^Why are you suggesting her to walk away from this marriage when you did not walk away from your own marriage? Just like you, she is a mother as well and has her child to think about. Also, your situation and the Op's may have some similarities but they're not quite the same IMO. The two situations cannot be equated and Op shouldn't react strongly to a situation that is not severe. Nevertheless, I hope that Allah guides both your husbands and resolves your problems and those of OP's soon; Amin.
Because it's early for her to walk out unlike me living with him half of my life and have kids now and I can't start again and she has only one child so anyone can take her her and her child.
