I’ve been married for nearly three months. Before marriage, my husband and I used to get on really well, and only fight occasionally. We used to spend about 2-3 hours 5 times a week together and 1-2 hours on the phone to each other daily. However since we’ve gotten married, he’s completely changed, he never wants to spend time with me alone, he doesn’t want to solve any fights we have, he doesn’t want to have sex as often, he doesn’t want to talk about what’s going on in his life and he always puts off doing things that I ask for eg. picking up a bottle of milk.
We live with his family: dadi, mum, dad and three sisters. They are absolutely lovely, and always nice to me. I always assumed after marriage I might have problems with them, but I don’t, the only issues I have are with my husband. My husband is always worried about not giving his family enough time, despite them never complaining about the amount of time he spends with me since we’ve dated, been engaged or married, in fact they’re always trying to convince him to spend more time with me and take me out more.
I now get really jealous of his sisters and his relationship with one of his sisters. He seems to always be willing to go out with them, does anything they ask for and is generally so pleasant to them, that I’m completely envious. Sometimes I feel like they’re taking him away from me but the truth is he chooses to spend more time with them. I even feel jealous when he has time to take pictures with his sisters but not with me, I feel completely pathetic. I have no idea what to do anymore.
It sounds like normal newlywed angst. It takes time for a couple to settle into their roles in marriage, especially when living in a joint family system. Husbands and wives both have to get used to new ways and norms and routines. It's a completely different ball game once you're living together. Your husband just needs to figure out his own groove. Don't let it get you mayoos or make you feel pathetic. The first year is always tough.
RSR, its just been three months and the issues you mentioned here sound quite normal to me. Always remember, life before marriage and after marriage is entirely different. You can’t expect the situation to remain same! Living away from someone is different and living WITH someone is entirely different too. I suggest give him some time/ some break and don’t change your attitude towards him. I understand your concern but its better if you learn, its a wife who has to be more compromising, understanding & sacrificing in a relationship especially in our society! That’s the fact! I can see the only reason why is he being nice or sweet to his family is because maybe he doesn’t want them to feel he has changed towards them. Because he knows he can make you understand behind closed doors but once the family, the parents, the siblings set minds towards their brother that “ye to 3 mahinay main hi biwi ka hogya”, then its quite irritating for a guy too. Another indication I get from how he doesn’t help you with tiny stuffs like handling you a bottle or things like that, maybe he is by nature a dominant man and I am sorry you can’t do anything with that except give your relation sometime to grow strong. So, a guy never initiates to be changed (in most of the cases). Its a girl who has to be changed first and when he sees, she is putting efforts, it helps him to change his attitude too. BUT never ASK him to be changed. It will never work instead create problems! Don’t get jealous of his family… you are ruining your relationship yourself. Stay happy and be good to him. Don’t Worry!! He will notice. If not sooner, then later! but its gonna pay you good in a longer run. P.S. I am sorry I have not put into paragraphs, my Enter Key has just stopped working from the Desktop PC
It seems to me he is being repulsed by your needs and feelings which are very legitimate btw, don't mean to say they aren't. The more you show them, the more he wants to be away from you. If I were you I would stop showing them so frequently and see if that helps the situation.
I think some guys become sensitive when they get married. They don't want their family to feel they have changed after shadi so they over compensate the time they spend with them. That's what I have noticed with some of my cousins who got married. And then there are some whose over show of affection to their wife can make people around them a bit uncomfortable. Just talk to your hubby and see what he feels, and thinks about it. Does he feel that if he sits with you or spend more time with you then his family will feel neglected.
I just want to give OP an advice that my friend's mother gave to her on her wedding night.
My friend was in love with this guy for around 7 years and finally they got married. On her wedding night her mother (with whom she had a love hate relationship. That is why she told me this) told her
" The guy who is coming into your bedroom tonight is not the guy whom you have known for the last seven years. The guy is more demanding and less caring. It is for you to understand him and adjust accordingly"
This friend was so pissed off about this advice and was thinking that her mother actually wanted the marriage to end. Three months later she came back to me and told me that this was the best advice that she ever got.
this is how he's thinking "she's my wife now, she has to stay with me so who cares how i act towards her/give her time/show her love". at this point he's taking you for granted while he probably feels he has to overcompensate towards his siblings because now he's married and he doesnt want them to think he's changed. Kill him with kindness. be nice/sweet/romantic when he's in the mood. dont be overly needy. of course he's not gona woo u like he did before marriage. i know you want to spend all your time with him because you're newly married but i feel women are more excited post marraige than guys are. So! find other hobbies, get closer to the sibs as well. cook for the family. if his family loves you and tells him all the time how amazing you are then he'll become re-enchanted with you! good luck.
op... its only been 3 months and as women v think v r adjsuting but forget that men r adjusting too.... he was living a diff lifestyle ... dating and talking is diff than living with each other 24/7.... give him some time and INSHALLAH things will start getting better....
i think he is just trying to reassure his fam he hasn't changed and wont...
if his fam is gud with u then u should be thankful to ALLAH and dont take that forgranted...try ur best to live in their hearts and so in your hubbys :)
try to get urself bz somewhre...cooking....setting the house and stuff like that...dress up for him and make him feel special... u will notice the change soon..these r the best days of ur life so enjoy them....gudluck
Sometimes giving a man a taste of his own medicine sets him straight. Don't appear so needy, do your own thing, stop asking him about his day, stop asking him to spend time with you. Perhaps he's afraid you're too dependent on him, perhaps he doesn't want to be your ONLY source of interaction. While you're starting your married life together, you need to continue YOUR life as you were living it before marriage. Find a job/hobby. Once he realizes that you don't depend solely on him for emotional support he will come around.
Trust me, men are stupid, sometimes you have to play "the game" with us for us to tow the line.
Become best friends with his fav sister. plan shopping trips with her and leave him out. take pics of yourself with his sisters and make him be the photographer. make him realize that he doesn't need to over-compensate because you are willing to accept and befriend his family. problem solved :)
